Comedian shows how to scam the scammers

A screen grab of example of a scam email. PHOTO | NATION MEDIA GROUP

What you need to know:

  • Asked, apparently by his girlfriend, to send $2,000 via Western Union to an address in London, James, a professional comedian, replied OK, he would do so, but he was a bit annoyed she had not sent him a postcard from her posh hotel.
  • When the scammer asked for James’ ID, he replied, “I want to know more about you, I can’t take so much money off you without becoming friends first.”

When I got an email from a friend saying he had lost his passport and money on a foreign holiday and could I send him £1,000 urgently, I was shocked and alarmed.

Then I thought: Not Joe, he’s too smart to lose his money and passport. And he has my number, why didn’t he just call me?

Of course, it was a scam, now a well-known one, but then new, at least to me. I deleted the message. But James Veitch, when he got an almost identical appeal, decided to have a bit of fun with the scammers.

Asked, apparently by his girlfriend, to send $2,000 via Western Union to an address in London, James, a professional comedian, replied OK, he would do so, but he was a bit annoyed she had not sent him a postcard from her posh hotel.

So maybe she could steal a few towels for him and, by the way, how did she rate him as a lover?

As the scammer tried with increasing desperation to persuade James to dispatch the money, he sent a series of hilariously irrelevant replies: I heard that Western Union isn’t safe; do you remember our holiday in Tuscany? — please send me a poem about it; can we meet in person again? Finally, the scammer gives up.

Even more ridiculous was a message that started: “I am Winnie Mandela, wife of Nelson Mandela. I need to transfer $45 million out of the country because of my husband’s health condition and I will make you investments manager.”

James replied, “Given that Nelson died three months ago, I would describe his health condition as fairly serious...”

When the scammer asked for James’ ID, he replied, “I want to know more about you, I can’t take so much money off you without becoming friends first.”

He then suggested they go into the smoothies business, go dancing together or maybe roller-disco if she preferred, and by the way what did Nelson like for breakfast?

The penny eventually dropped and conwoman Winnie called it a day.

When “Catherine” made the usual send-money appeal, he replied that certainly he would, and by the way how was Keith doing?

He was told, “Keith is fine. He’s having a meeting with the British embassy now to get replacement passports.”

James: “I’ll pop along to Western Union first thing in the morning. I must say that Keith seems remarkably capable for a Yorkshire terrier. Last I remember, he could roll over and say woof and now he’s talking to the British embassy. What are you feeding him?”

End of correspondence.

In an interview with The Observer newspaper, Veitch said he had engaged with hundreds of scammers. “I think one of the only ways we can fight back is by wasting as much of their time as possible.” Asked why many scam emails were so obviously phoney or far-fetched, Veitch said, “By making them ridiculous, it means that only the most gullible people reply. It’s a very clever filtering system.”

And it works. Stories regularly appear in the newspapers of guileless older people emptying their bank accounts on the promise from conmen of huge financial rewards.

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While we are still in cyberspace … I do not normally lift entire items from other publications but this letter from Peter White of Holbrook, Derbyshire, which appeared in the August edition of The Oldie magazine, made me giggle non-stop.

“Sir, I haven’t got a computer, but I was told about Facebook and Twitter and am trying to make friends outside Facebook and Twitter while applying the same principles.

“Every day I walk down the street and tell passers-by what I have eaten, how I feel, what I have done the night before and what I will do for the rest of the day. I give them pictures of my wife, my daughter, my dog and me gardening and on holiday, spending time by the pool. I also listen to their conversations, tell them I ‘like’ them and give them my opinion on every subject that interests me … whether it interests them or not.

“And it works. Already I have four people following me: two police officers, a social worker and a psychiatrist.”

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Sayings to ponder:

TV host David Letterman: America is the only country where a significant proportion of the population believe that professional wrestling is genuine and the moon landing was faked.

An old Italian proverb: After the game, the king and the pawns go into the same box.

Actress Zsa Zsa Gabor: I’ve been married to a Communist and a Fascist and neither would take out the garbage.

Comedian Emo Philips: A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no good at kickboxing.

Harrison Ford: Wood burns faster when you have to chop it.