No food, no bed? Break window and go to jail

A homeless man sleeps on the sidewalk across from the LA Mission on January 29, 2015 in Los Angeles, California. PHOTO | FREDERIC J. BROWN |

What you need to know:

  • Desperation: When the case was reported in the local paper, there was widespread sympathy for poor Duane Riches, cold, hungry and homeless.

It was Christmas Day and Duane Riches, 44, was cold, homeless, friendless and hungry. Even prison would be better than this, he thought — at least he would get food and a bed.

So Riches hurled half a dozen beer bottles at a bookmaker’s shop in Newcastle upon Tyne, shattering 10 windows at a cost of £6,000 (Sh830,000).

When police arrived, they found him sitting waiting outside the shop. “Did you do this?” they asked. “Yes, I did,” he said. “I’m cold and homeless and sick of this life. I did a good job, didn’t I?”

The window-breaker was duly taken into custody and when he appeared in court the next day he refused to ask for bail. He wanted to stay in jail because he had nowhere else to go.

His defending lawyer said, “He was sick of his life and thought custody was the best place. This man needs someone who is going to help him.”

WIDESPREAD SYMPATHY

Riches was charged with criminal damage and being drunk and disorderly. He was sentenced to eight weeks in prison but the sentence was suspended. He was also ordered to pay £250 (Sh34,500) compensation.

When the case was reported in the local paper, there was widespread sympathy for Riches.

“I’d do the same,” tweeted Paul Kelly, “prison food and a cell cot are better than no food and no bed at all.”

Wrote Danielle Chater, “That breaks my heart. He shouldn’t have done it, but I can’t help but feel sorry for him.”

And Ruth Singh Gahley commented, “Sad state of affairs this country has come to.”

Of 15 comments printed, all expressed sympathy for Riches. And the general reader might wonder what is the point of ordering a destitute man to find £250? Might this not lead to further trouble in the future?

It is estimated that two billion people around the world celebrate Christmas and, for most, it is a time of joy and friendship.

But a significant minority find the stresses involved in family get-togethers hard to take, too often ending in squabbles among the adults and tantrums from the children.

A mother I knew had a solution. Following the biblical exhortation to seek guests from the highways and byways, she invited a local tramp to Christmas dinner.

Her family were appalled but under Mum’s steely gaze, they were polite and friendly to the newcomer. He turned out to be a cultivated man with a sad family history and thereafter was welcomed every Christmas.

* * *

Jason, 19, was a keen motor-cyclist with many friends. But all his life he had trouble with his heart until, finally, a transplant was decreed.

He spent several weeks in hospital, unfailingly confident that a heart would materialise. “Don’t worry,” he would say, “it will come tomorrow.” Eventually, it did, and the operation took place on Christmas Eve. Three days later, Jason died.

What his grief-stricken parents then discovered was that however optimistically he acted, he had made meticulous preparations for his death.

With his will, there was a letter of thanks to the family of the person whose heart he received; £20,000 (Sh2.7 million) he had personally raised went to heart research; and he left explicit instructions for his funeral, a very unusual funeral.

Jason directed that his casket be led to the crematorium by 71 bikers. After the religious ceremony, his ashes would be biked to the seaside, there to be tied to a rocket and blasted into space.

Way to go, Jason!

* * *

Mary loved Tom but she worried about the way he squandered money when they went out together. Finally, she consulted her mother.

“How,” she asked, “can I stop Tom from spending so much money?” Her mother said, “Marry him.”

* * *

The following are genuine examination questions and the answers are from 16-year-olds.

Q. Name the four seasons.

A. Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.

Q. How is dew formed?

A. The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.

Q. What happens to your body as you age?

A. When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.

Q. What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?

A. He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.

Q. How can you delay milk turning sour?

A. Keep it in the cow.

Q. What is the most common form of birth control?

A. Most people prevent conception by wearing a condominium.

Q. Give the meaning of the term Caesarean section.

A. The caesarean section is a district in Rome.

Q. What is a terminal illness?

A. When you are sick at the airport.

Q. In a democratic society, how important are elections?

A. Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election.