Parents cheat to get children into good schools

A good school is an imperative for many ambitious, middle-class parents, to the extent that otherwise law-abiding mums and dads are lying and cheating to get their children places in schools of their choice.

The rule for state schools is that pupils must reside within a stated catchment area near the school.

As for faith schools, they prefer families to be churchgoers. Both conditions are being flouted, according to an investigation by BBC TV’s Panorama programme.

Havering Council in east London employed investigators to drive around the streets of Upminster checking on suspicious cases.

One family named a small flat close to one of the most sought-after secondary schools as its main residence. But the council received a tip that the family actually lived outside the catchment area in a larger property in a rich part of town.

Sure enough, when investigators Ruth Kirby and Leigh Stevens checked, they found the flat locked and empty and the family living in the big house. It was after dark. “They are all in their pyjamas,” said Ms Stevens. “They are living there.”

As a result, the council refused the family’s application for a place in the school.

Another tactic is to claim residence in a property near the desired school, which is actually occupied by its rightful owners.

Ms Stevens said, “One man could not understand why somebody he did not know would use his address to apply for a school place. He had been selling his house so we think someone spotted the “For Sale” sign and thought, ‘Nobody will know who the new owners are,’ and so put that address down.”

Experts believe the number of parents who lie on school application forms could be in the thousands. They call it “education tourism.”

The phenomenon in the case of Roman Catholic and Anglican church schools is known as “pew jumping.” Parents go to church every Sunday until the child is admitted, then they are seen no more.

St Luke’s church in Kingston, Surrey, has a primary school attached to it and when it was officially rated by the Ofsted inspection authority as “outstanding,” the number of pew-jumpers rocketed.

Priest in charge Fr Martin Hislop said his statistics for 2014 showed that out of 20 new worshippers who joined around the start of the admission application process, 11 stopped attending church as soon as the allocation of places was announced.

“They were clearly there for one purpose and it wasn’t for the worship of God,” he said.

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We hear a lot these days about under-age youths buying cans of beer on the sly and getting drunk and disorderly, but research suggests there is a problem at the other end of the scale, too: many old people are drinking too much.

The British Medical Journal reported that one in five Britons over 65 years who drink is consuming an unsafe level of alcohol, increasing the risk of confusion and falls. Of 9,248 elderly drinkers, 21 per cent exceeded the recommended safety limit. Many drank the equivalent of a bottle of whisky per week.

The heavy drinkers tended to be male, white and relatively affluent. It was much less a problem among Caribbean, African and Asian groups.

The study author, Dr Mark Ashworth, said doctors were mostly unaware of the problem. “Very few GPs are switched on to the idea that their older patients could be drinking at these levels. We look out for it in younger patients, but we are less attuned to it in the elderly.”

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A minister of the gospel conducted a marriage ceremony in a faraway land and a local man was much impressed. He asked the priest to preside at his own forthcoming wedding and a date was agreed.

When the man of God returned, he was astonished to see 16 potential brides lined up. Sorry, he told the waiting bridegroom, this was not possible.

“Why not?” demanded the man. “I distinctly heard you say last time, ‘Four richer, four poorer, four better, four worse.’”

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Someone asked an old man, “Even after 70 years, you still call your wife ‘Darling’ or ‘Honey’ or ‘Love.’ What’s the secret?”

Old man: “I forgot her name and I’m frightened to ask.”

A market researcher asked a married woman, “Which book has helped you most in your life?” She replied, “My husband’s cheque book.”

A young man asked at his local library, “Do you have a book called, ‘Man, Master of the House?” The librarian replied, “Fiction is on the first floor.”

I decided to take up speed reading. Last night, I did War and Peace in 20 seconds. I know it’s only three words, but it’s a start.

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