It is now time to talk and stop this boycott for the sake of the children

The teacher’s strike is now ripe for negotiation. It is time for my brother, Mr Wilson Sossion, and his employers to sit down and hammer out a deal they all can live with, for the sake of our children.

Why am I telling this story like an amateur? A story of this nature requires not just a foundation, it must be showered, carefully dried between the toes, massaged, manicured, pedicured, powdered, lipsticked, eyelashed (the kind the Kikuyu call mbutu), slipped into a miniskirt and heels before being presented for your inspection.

As I always say at news conferences, issues such as strikes involving a bunch of (mainly fat) middle-aged men shouting at one another are boring; they must be served with a bit of soup. 

TICKING BOMB
For us (old) movie buffs, Jubilee’s handling of the teacher’s strike calls to mind an exchange in the 1994 movie Speed, that great piece of work where Keanu Reeves is wonderfully relentless and Sandra Bullock goofily unforgettable.

If you watched Speed as a college boy and did not fall hopelessly in love with Sandra Bullock, then you can eat ugali and nyama choma every day without any risk of a heart attack. You have no heart, you see.

Jack Travern (Reeves) and Harry Temple (Jeff Daniels), both officers from the LAPD’s equivalent of the Recce Company, are in the elevator shaft where 13 terrified people are trapped in a lift.

A terrorist has cut the cables and rigged the emergency brakes with explosives. He is demanding $3 million dollars or he will blow the brakes and the poor people will plunge 30 floors to their death.

NO KIDDING
As they contemplate that madman’s clever handiwork — which by the way has taken two years to set up — the two officers play a hypothetical game, captured in this exchange (standing ovation for Mr Google, please):

Harry Temple: Alright, pop quiz. Airport, gunman with a hostage. He’s using her for cover. He’s almost to a plane. You’re one hundred feet away. (Jack doesn’t respond)

Harry Temple: Jack?

Jack: Shoot the hostage.

Harry Temple: What?

Jack: Take her out of the equation. Go for the good wound and he can’t get to the plane with her. Clear shot.

Harry Temple: You’re deeply nuts, you know that? “Shoot the hostage.” (chuckles).

Those who have watched the movie know that Jack was not joking.

HAVING LEVERAGE

When Harry is taken hostage by Howard Payne, the bad guy, Jack shoots him.

In a strike situation, workers take away something valuable to their employer — their services — and hope to bend him to their will before they hand it back.

By gerrymandering the term dates and obviating the need for teaching services, the government has, in effect, shot the hostage.

The unions’ trump card has become a liability; they have a bleeding hostage whom they cannot carry to the plane. In any case, without a hostage, they themselves have become a viable target.

There is another reason for my college buddy to head to the round table: when teachers go the ATM and they get that little message, “sorry no cash services available”, things take a slightly different perspective.

A CRAZY IRONY

Mr Sossion has a difficult job. Teachers want more and more money. They do not want their productivity measured, things such as skills improvement and all that pale into insignificance against the overriding objective of enrichment. But he has very little to work with.

Other than the brute force of power, the government does not fare much better. For one, its moral authority to prescribe austerity is completely tattered.

It appears hypocritical to preach frugality when teachers ask for a pay rise, but spend and spend on big people in government.

There is no money to pay a teacher earning Sh16,000 but there is money for a Sh1 billion mortgage scheme for Cabinet secretaries and other fat cats?

As far as I can see, the only saving the government is making is by withholding advertising from my newspaper — putting my job at risk — and not giving a pay rise to those who probably deserve it.

ENDLESS TORTURE

It cannot claim the moral ground to demand belt tightening if it does not stop the wanton waste and corruption in its ranks.

Thatcherite union-busting is almost irresistible to Jubilee, but it is politically expensive.

With the level of simmering discontent in the country because of corruption and a general lack of direction, it is probably unwise to add insult to injury through endless torture of children by keeping them at home for almost five months. It is time to talk.

[email protected]. Twitter: @mutuma_mathiu