Out of the mouths of babes and sucklings

A father looking back on his childhood wrote a book entitled, Where Did You Go? Out! What Did You Do?Nothing!

It’s an exchange which would be instantly recognisable to most parents, but its irony was never more apparent than in a new television series here which has got people talking, laughing and even shedding the occasional tear.

“The Secret Lives of 4, 5 and 6 Year Olds,” being shown in segments of one hour per age, demonstrates that more things happen and more emotions are engaged in 60 minutes in the playground than most adults could cope with in a day.

A dozen or so boys and girls of the same age are invited to a play area rigged with hidden cameras and microphones.

Out of sight, the children are monitored by two research scientists.

What quickly becomes apparent is that the girls are more advanced than the boys and social relationships are important to them.

“Best friend” is a phrase which becomes charged with intensity.

Tia, aged four, sensible and nice but a bit bossy, is distraught when Charlotte announces, “I love Lola more” and walks off arm-in-arm with her new best friend.

When the same thing happens to another girl in the group, she weeps, “I want my mummy”.

But Tia bounces back and soon is spotted atop a slide lecturing a playmate: “Why are you a horrible boy?”

This is not to say boys don’t want friends, too, as evident in this exchange: “Do you want to come to my party?”

Silence. “Cinnamon will be there.” Silence. “Sweet corn will be there.” Silence. “Pizza will be there.” Finally, a nod of acquiescence.

SPREADING A LIE
Then there is the business of getting out of trouble or to put it another way, telling lies.

A chocolate cake is placed on a table with orders not to touch it.

Within seconds, it is being slyly attacked with licks and nibbles and fingertips.

When the teacher returns and asks what happened, he is told, “A giant bird came… a thief ate it when we weren’t looking… it was an elephant.”

These were four-year-olds. They proved equally inept explaining about the gumball machine.

Hundreds of delicious coloured sweets were visible in a glass bowl but the notice said, “Don’t touch.”

Eventually someone turned the handle and the sweets cascaded forth.

But who turned the handle? Zoe: “I did it, but Elliott told me to do it.”

Teacher: “Is that true?” Elliott: “Yes, but she listened.” The Garden of Eden in reverse?

The five-year-olds were more sophisticated.

They, too, emptied the gumball machine but then got together and whispered, “We’ve got to say one lie.”

When the teacher appeared, the chosen boy declared, “I accidentally fell against it and the sweets came out,” embellishing the agreed fib with a convincing physical demonstration.

INTERESTING REACTIONS

Some of the kids’ remarks would provide food for extended investigation by child psychologists.

A boy picks up a telephone handset and declares, “This is the President of the USA.”

Asked a difficult question, a boy scowls, “I don’t know! I’m only FIVE!”

Another: “I like girls but I don’t like kissing them.” And another: “My dear old fish, go and boil your head.”

A girl tries to teach a boy a party piece. “You’re my honey bun, you’re my sugar plum.”

Boy: “You’re my honey bun, you’re my sugar bum.” “Sugar plum!” “Sugar bum.” Again and again and again.

Two girls: “I got swine flu when I was little and my heart got hot.” “Did you die?” “No.” “Did your heart bleed?” “Hearts don’t bleed, they have no blood.”

Fascinating to watch these unbelievably cute little ones grow and learn before your eyes. As the TV people said, a blueprint for adult life.  

* * *
Family joke: A dad and his little boy were walking on the beach when they came across a dead seagull.

“What happened to it, daddy?” the boy asked. “It died and went to heaven,” his father replied. “So why did God throw it back down?”

Family joke: A mum sent her son to the bakery for two pounds of cakes but when the boy arrived home, the cakes weighed only one pound.

The angry mother marched to the shop and complained, “I asked for two pounds of cakes but you only gave us only one. I suggest you check your scales.” Said the baker, “I suggest you weigh your son.”

Ten-year-old’s joke: Why can’t a nose be 12 inches long? Because then it would be a foot.

Five-year-old’s joke: A pet shop owner told his centipede: “Go and get the newspaper and be quick about it.”

But it was half an hour before the centipede returned. “What took you so long?” the man asked. Replied the centipede, “I had to put my shoes on.”