America will no longer need permission to be great again

America's President-elect Donald Trump is sworn in as president at the United States Capitol in Washington, DC on January 20, 2017. PHOTO | MANDEL NGAN | AFP

What you need to know:

  • Starting now, Americans will be winning so 'bigly' that they will be sick of winning.

  • It is difficult to know these things but that is what people are saying.

Folks, America is going to become great again after Friday’s official burial of political correctness.

The ascension of Donald J. Trump to the presidency of the United States means that from now henceforth, America will be bristling from every insult on Twitter and giving as good as it gets, with a temperament as cool as gunpowder.

The pretend, ingratiating politeness that requires Americans to call Miss Piggy beautiful has ended.

Under the protection of Russia, which has since taken over the role of Big Brother, snooping on emails, watching people on street corners and prying into their private lives, Americans will be free to think, and do and speak as they please. If Russia wants to steal and leak documents, more grease to their elbows.

Every day, starting on Saturday, thousands of citizens will be lining up 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue, their eyes tightly shut in prayerful expectation that the President will grab their cats. It is going to be amazing, folks, when the White House is turned into one large locker room of freedom where people can whisper in wonder about the sexiness of their children.

Chief of Stuff Reince Priebus will be carrying a rucksack of Tic Tacs, skulking quietly behind President Trump in readiness to freshen the commander-in-chief’s breath ahead of a sudden kissing expedition among the cat holders. He has quite some ground to cover before he reaches the Statue of Liberty. The White House lawns could provide an amazing backdrop for adult entertainment.

FREEDOMS BACK

All the old freedoms that had not been promoted for decades are all back. Cows in America could not belch or cut the cheese without being accused of causing global warming. Now, bovines no longer have their style cramped by uptight climate change people who insist that breaking wind, belching or dropping dung releases methane into the atmosphere, raises greenhouse gases and causes environmental catastrophe. America is going to put more cow dung into the hemisphere, whether China likes it or not.

The sight of millions of nasty women who would litter the environment by supporting abortion is positively revolting. It is not very nice that until now, Supreme Court judges have not been brave enough to strike down laws that allow marriage equality, Obamacare and infringe on the right to bear arms.

Freeloaders who have been waiting to fall sick on the public purse are going to be in for a rude shock when the entire Affordable Healthcare Act is repealed.

Americans will not be begging for jobs abroad since millions of them will be employed in a deportation force to identify and flush out illegal immigrants and people who pray facing Mecca. The rest will be employed as bricklayers on the wall being built to keep Mexicans out of America, and paid for by the Mexico.

BECOME APPARENT

When the fake news media is embarrassed into total silence, the greatness of America will become apparent to anybody who is interested to see.

Private business will replace freeloading public programmes. Millions of people will hugely and ‘bigly’ emulate the leader of the free world in being smart about their taxes, filing clever documents that allow them to make donations instead of paying fines. The whole enterprise would be worthy of study at a nascent university.

No one will be asked about carrying a gun in a school or a military base. That nonsense about gun-free zones will be terminated promptly.

Starting now, Americans will be winning so "bigly" that they will be sick of winning. It is difficult to know these things but that is what people are saying. Believe President Trump.