From what I know, some things in religion are best passed over
What you need to know:
- The other day, some mischievous chap posted something which I reposted on my Facebook wall about Biblical heroes and heroines.
- The question was: Who would you want to be most identified with of the Biblical greats?
Many of the ladies on the wall picked the usual matriarchs: Deborah, Ruth, Naomi, Esther.
I love the Bible. I actually read it whenever I can. Religiously. The other day, some mischievous chap posted something which I reposted on my Facebook wall about Biblical heroes and heroines. The question was: Who would you want to be most identified with of the Biblical greats?
Many of the ladies on the wall picked the usual matriarchs: Deborah, Ruth, Naomi, Esther. It all started with Holy Joes saying their bit but then it quickly got infiltrated by far less pious types. It soon got full of fun.
The fellow who made my ribs crack in mirth was calling himself Mteule. He boldly picked Joshua as his favourite Biblical guy. Why? “Nisimamishange jua kwanza tutafute pesa.” His actual surname betrayed him.
The runaway popular guy was David, whose frequent mention was invariably followed by the virtuous words: “He was a man after God’s heart.” It didn’t help matters that he had lots of shortcomings. A close second on the informal poll was his son Solomon. It wasn’t entirely about his fabled wisdom. The 700 wives and 300 concubines came across as a huge draw. “Hawa wanawake bwana!’’ some fella exclaimed. Did I get the numbers right?
One guy who made my day picked Jonah as his favourite. That’s the guy who got swallowed by the whale en route to some place called Ninevah. The clincher is how he supposedly presented himself to his highly sceptical wife after disappearing on Friday and being vomited by the whale on a Monday: “Baby, I got swallowed by a fish.” I doubt she believed him.
One irreverent girl chose to go with Delilah. Upon being asked by a puzzled correspondent why, she blissfully replied – how do I say this in English? – “Niangushe kimutu with my wit. Lol!” Of course, the guy who got demolished was Samson. Somebody said he was a bodybuilder. I am not sure he was.
Oddly, the great Hebrew liberator Moses got very few mentions. I would pick him as my best. Trouble is he lacked humour and he was too serious a man.
JUDAS ISCARIOT
There was more. My friend, the ex-Taveta MP Jackson Mwalulu, unashamedly picked Judas Iscariot: “He was bold. And he had a nose for money. The rest of the disciples were sycophants and fake.”
Then there is Elijah. His admirers picked him because they never want to die. It is said he went up to heaven in a chariot. Alive. “Nipande horses niende zangu,” so wrote a correspondent.
Then there is Wamaitha my neighbourhood gal who selected Methusellah: “Niishi kama kajiwe 969 years”. Another picked Goliath, for challenging that pesky Israelite boy called David.
Can you believe it, even somebody dared to mention Mary Magdalene as the girlfriend of Jesus. She got a lot of “likes”. One single guy had the temerity to say that he would like to be God. Nobody replied to him. A few others mentioned Jesus. They also didn’t get replies.
Zacchaeus was a hated tax collector during Jesus’ time. He was a very short man, and very corrupt. He climbed up a sycamore tree to see Jesus because of the commotion. Upon seeing him, Jesus told him to come down and that he goes to his place. Heck, the crowd got “mifty” when Jesus said he was going to hang out at his place.
There is too much of “great” people in the Old Testament. My treasured fellow in the New Testament is Apostle Peter, who a correspondent on my Facebook wall airily described as having a habit of “making his mistakes, accepting, regretting, and moving on – and telling Jesus: twende kazi.” I couldn’t agree more.
Even the alleged thief who got crucified with Christ gets many good nods. As a matter of fact the word crucifixion has a Christian root. The other guy on the crucifixion was talking badly. I doubt he got salvation.
The Catholic Church reveres Peter as their first Pope. The Protestants have their regard for Saint Paul, the evangelist. Peter was treated very seriously on my post, Paul just a little bit less. I am not pompous about religion but, from what I know from my mom, some things are best passed over.
Can I forget a fellow called “Wa Gunners”? This was his take: “Let’s talk about football and which player you would like to be.” We don’t know these Bible geezers, he added.
