Nothing beats a quiet seat on train and short four-hour trip

This new railway is going to change us.

And I am not going to touch the polemics of whose deal it was and whether it was over-invoiced, many competent and incompetent folks are litigating that.

I mean how it is going to change our transport needs and how it fits in our love for big machines — for those who are capable of such tenderness — and our hopeless dreams about motoring.

CAR PURCHASE
First, when it comes to buying cars, I and many men I know — I could name a thousand, are hope buyers.

What do I mean by hope buying? I will give an example.

The last time I bought a car — a real car, not a junk to break and rebuild — I was in a bit of a hurry because I had got it in my head that I wanted to take one of my children for her birthday treat to the Mara, if my recollection serves me right.

It is possible that this is something I dreamt up, such is the power of hope.

SECOND-HAND CAR
So I needed a people carrier. I don’t know what I had at the time, or what was wrong with it.

In my pocket I think I had something like Sh150,000, so I was feeling particularly empowered.

I made a mental list of the best used car shops in town, and a checklist of the things to confirm about the Toyota Land Cruiser VX I was going to purchase.

If it was more than three years old, did not have the (typically cheap) leather common in those vehicles and didn’t have all the bells and whistles, including the front-mounted, rear-facing, magnifying mirror, I was not interested.

DREAM CAR

I spent lots of time under, in and on quality machines, some still in plastic wrappers.

“How do you intend to pay for your car sir?,” the helpful assistants would ask as I demanded the umpteenth sample sale agreement.

“I am hoping to have a facility ready by the end of the week,” I would declare grandly.

And thus, a hope buyer, one taking a Sh10 million machine through its paces on the strength of hope and Sh150,000.

For many years, my dream car was the Mercedes G-Wagen, black with chrome exhaust pipes peering shyly from under the sidesteps, blood-red hand-stitched upholstery, Harman Kandon speakers and an engine manifold autographed by Marc Stutz.

EXPENSIVE VEHICLE

I have no idea why Marc Stutz; I am sure there are many technicians whose signature is on Mercedes engines.

A 2014 manufacturer-approved used example — none of those fishy ones from junk yards — will set you back Sh13.5 million, a 2016 one starts at Sh14.5 million.

These are yesterday’s prices, FOB. By the time it’s driven to a British port, containerised, insured, transported, inspected, taxed and delivered, the price will be around Sh30 million.

Now, ceteris paribas, if you are relying on a cooperative loan to purchase this vehicle, you will need to gather the guarantors in a stadium and collect enough signatures, spread around the country, to run for president.

This then is a vehicle for tenderpreneurs, the lawyers who routinely escort them to Integrity House and hope buyers.

CAR FEATURES
On top of looking like a horse-drawn carriage, I presume the real attraction for the Wagen is the work going on below the bonnet.

At 544 brake horsepower, there is enough power in this machine to pull two fully-laden Kisaingu Iveco prime movers.

It is, therefore, a beautiful car for a family cruise to the Coast, with regular detours to parks, farms and picnics along the way.

Until I discovered that you can get a lot more bang for your buck, better build and higher quality elsewhere, I discovered Singapore Grey, Sakhir Orange, head up display and blue brake calipers.

I discovered Bang & Olufsen, a 4.4 petrol engine working up 560 horses at an affordable — in hope terms —of “only” Sh5 million.

MONSTER CRUISERS

Please, put your hands together for the BMW M6 Gran Coupe.

This is the realm of hope and fever working together. It is the kind of vehicle you use to drive the family to the domestic terminal at JKIA and they find you patiently waiting at the parking at Moi International Mombasa with smoking tyres (and perhaps a few dents from unfortunate trucks tipped over along the way).

This, my friends, is the bloody audacity of hope.

Of course, none of all that beats a quiet seat on the train and a short four-hour trip.

I think the bottom just dropped off the market for monster cruisers.

I am looking for a new machine to stalk. Are there private trains?

****
Dear smokers, too many of you responded to my column last week and I am unable to write to you individually.

I shall, however, link you up with people who can and will help.

By way of clarification, there is no such thing as a strong will in the business of quitting smoking.

The idea that you continue to smoke because you are weak-willed is silly.

Just put away your cigarettes. When the craving hits, take a series of very deep breaths, stand up and walk around until it passes.

Before you know it, you will be clean. Just don’t smoke again, that’s all.

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