And here’s a holiday prescription for ‘clandes’

Today’s piece is dedicated to all of you hopelessly in love with married men — the ‘clandes’.

How have you been? Still living in that servant’s quarters in South C, watching your nail polish dry as you wait for that man to leave his wife?

The reason I’m writing is to offer you guidelines on how to behave this festive season. Sometime back, I wrote a detailed guideline on being the ultimate ‘clande’, but I thought I should give you a refresher course as two weeks of festivities start.

KNOW YOUR PLACE: So you have been dating this handsome man who parks his sleek BMW X5 outside your apartment in Kinoo. He has been spending long hours in your little one-bedroom apartment in South B and you’ve whipped up gourmets in a desperate attempt to impress him. He has been picking you up on Saturday afternoons in his black Prado for spontaneous out-of-town drives and after-work drinks on weekdays.

Forget all that this Christmas and New Year’s festival. Darling, you are the side dish. He may be spending all that time with you to avoid his wife but when it comes to holidays, married men do not compromise. Fiestas are for their families.

Let him pretend to be the dedicated husband and doting dad to his two daughters. Let him impress his in-laws by throwing expensive parties. Let him make up to his wife for the time he spent in your arms.

You will be solo this holiday. Deal with it.

Like a good girl, sit in your purple couch and paint your toenails bright red. Try out a new recipe. Visit your mother upcountry. Oh, and while you are at it, you must watch Covert Affairs Season 6. It’s thrilling.

DO NOT CALL OR TEXT HIM: Fine, you wake up to his sweet messages on WhatsApp and chat with him on WhatsApp until 3am (while his wife pretends to be fast asleep).

You share those naughty videos and photos all day and you spend most of your day huddled over your phone, giggling like a little girl and smiling over his mischievous texts. You are always trading selfies on WhatsApp, and sometimes you send him x-rated photos of yourself.

Forget all that for the coming two weeks. Texting or calling will put ‘your man’ in serious jeopardy with the lady of the house.

The wife will always be hovering around him like a bad spirit and, trust me, these women are hawk-eyed.

You don’t want to create unnecessary tension in that house and — for Christ’s-sake — send him not the photos of your nether regions.

He is at home and his nieces will be playing games on his phone. His mother-in-law might be within earshot and the merry will be gone before you can say ‘Sweetie, si you send me 3K for the salon”.

LOWER YOUR EXPECTATIONS: He has told you he has taken leave from work from December 23 to January 5. You think he has a lot of time in his hands to come to your house and spend an entire day with you watching movies and cooking together.

You think now that he is not going to work, he will have the time to take you to Nanyuki for grilled trout and a glass of wine. Poor girl!

That is another woman’s man and he has taken time off to spend time with his family. He has taken time off to visit his tomato farm in Mbooni or check the progress of his new project in Wanyee.

Or most likely, he has planned to accompany one of his boys to check out some land in Kinoo.

To save yourself a tonne of heartbreak and a flood of tears, do not plan your holiday around this guy’s schedule because he didn’t plan his around yours.

ALUTA CONTINUA: The good news is, your married boyfriend will return to your arms in January when the festivities are over and his wife is too busy taking care of their children to give him any meaningful attention.
My take is that he will resume sending you text messages on Saturday, January 3 to say how he misses you.

What he really wants is for you to invite him to your house on Sunday afternoon, January 4, when his wife is at the salon with their daughter as the child prepares to return to school the following day.

Because your married boyfriend is conniving and wants to keep you around, he will play mind games on you.

He will offer to take you for ‘special Christmas’ to some exotic location at the foothills of Mount Kenya.

Expect a consolation holiday in early March when his business has picked up since January and February are dry months. This is the time to ask for that Samsung Galaxy Note 4 you have been hankering for. He will be too guilty to say no.

Otherwise your affair will continue peacefully until Valentine’s Day when he will temporarily ditch you again and take his wife for dinner. But worry not. City Girl is always here for you.

Till then, (un)happy holidays!