Five golden rules of weight loss for you

The weight issue is no doubt a heavy matter to carry around.

Most of us will struggle with our weight at least once in a lifetime, some of us the entire life.

Weight is a touchy issue; many people struggling with this matter would rather not talk about it, and this is why I commend those brave enough to take the matter head-on.

A few days ago, I got into hot soup for taking this herculean task on my young shoulders.

I was accused of writing an ill-researched piece that ruffled many feathers.

The most valuable critique I got from all this ruckus was that I never provided a solution to the issues I was raising.

So to close this chapter, I have come up with a solution on how to lose weight. Below are exercises to help you lose weight.

JUMP INTO CONCLUSIONS:

Whenever you are faced with the bitter truth, by all means I urge you to jump into conclusions.

When somebody tells you the bitter truth about anything, let’s say your weight, the real status of your marriage or relationship, don’t just sit down and think about it.

Do something about it. Jump into the conclusion that the person telling you the truth about yourself is a naïve, third-class individual who knows nothing about weight matters.

If you read something that mirrors your life and you don’t want to hear it, jump into the conclusion that the person telling you is mannerless and lacks respect for elders.

As a fitness fanatic, I recommend that you jump into conclusion every chance you are faced with the truth.

You will not believe the weight you will lose.

DODGE RESPONSIBILITY:

Dodge, don’t jog!

Jogging is too old school, dodging responsibility is the trend.

Having pored through hundreds of physical fitness articles, I can boldly say that dodging responsibility is the most successful weight-loss programme there has ever been.

It not only allows you to step away from the real matter, but also allows you to focus on other things except what really matters, your weight.

The beauty of this exercise is that you can do it anywhere; at work, at home and even in relationships and marriages with your spouse.

Does your spouse think that there are two or three things you can change about yourself-like your fashion sense?

Dodge that responsibility to do something about your sense of fashion.

Another example; has somebody confronted you with the bitter truth about yourself- say how nagging you can get sometimes?

Dodge the responsibility to make yourself a better person.

A bonus: the exercise of dodging responsibility goes really well with shifting blame.

Shifting blame is good for your ego muscles, the heart, for your soul and gives you peace of mind.

It could be false peace of mind, but who cares?

You can always renew this short-lived peace by shifting the blame again, and again.

Somebody pointed out a glaring matter that we need to discuss about society?

Shift blame to the wrong quarters. Shift the blame to the messenger.

By the way, dodging responsibility has worked for many new fathers fighting the pot belly that comes with the stress of fatherhood.

RUN THE MESSENGER DOWN:

Ever read a message that was directly talking to you?

Like really communicating to you in a direct, straight-shooting, tell-it-as-it-is manner?

You hated it, didn’t you? Well, not to worry.

Research shows that running down the messenger, which in simple terms means ‘criticising in an unfair manner’ has actually helped thousands of women and men to lose weight.

For best results, run down the messenger at least daily, for as long as you can.

Run her down until you can’t run no more.

Research also shows that people who exercise together lose weight faster over shorter time.

This is why, as a fitness crusader, I urge you to invite your friends- far and wide (not fat and wide) to help you run down the poor little messenger.

Never mind the ‘research shows’ phrases, you said you wanted a ‘well-researched’ article.

Anyway, as you run her down, ensure you chant some great lyrics to encourage you.

Try these lyrics; ‘She is inexperienced, what does she know.”

STRETCH YOUR LUCK:

Stretching is good for the body, especially because it helps lengthen and prepare the muscles for exercise or sports.

Stretching your luck increases your flexibility and helps improve daily activities and tasks such as dodging responsibility, jumping into conclusions and running the messenger down.

Forget what that naysayer -the American poet Ralph Waldo Emerson said about luck, that “Shallow men believe in luck.

Strong men believe in cause and effect.”

Did he have weight problems anyway? Since when did cause and effect help you lose weight?

Stretching your luck, no matter how thin, will help you stay healthy and most importantly, lose weight.

Most importantly, stretching your luck helps those stretch marks disappear.

FLY OFF THE HANDLE:

Somebody said something that you know to be the truth?

Work it out in the gym baby.

Now, flying off the handle is for those who not only have weight issues, but also personality and insecurity issues.

For a great workout regimen, I suggest you begin by stretching your luck muscles to prepare for exercise, then warm up with dodging responsibility, energise your work out by running down the messenger and then top it up by flying off the handle.

These great workout suggestions are strenuous to the body and mind as well.

This is why you need as much energy as you can.

Flying off the handle is particularly a vigorous exercise especially after you have just delivered your bundle of joy.

Not to worry though, supplement your work-out regimen by eating anything and everything.

Junk food works best especially for those who would fancy dodging responsibility.

As you work out, you sweat a lot and you are advised to replenish your body’s hydration by consuming large amounts of alcohol which helps you jump into conclusions due to its ability to mess up your judgment.

But then again, what is a work out without willpower?

And what better willpower than a nagging, cant-get-off-my-high-horse attitude to drive your weight-loss programme?

I hope this piece respects the fundamentals of a great workout regimen and I can assure you that if you stick to these five golden rules of weight loss, you will not only achieve the body size you have always dreamed of, but also achieve happiness in your life, marriage and relationships. Especially in marriages.

You are most welcome.