How to be the ultimate female Nairobi pastor

They are on television, glossy magazine covers, blogs and newspapers. So I thought I should give them a starter pack for being the ultimate female Nairobi pastor. Can I get an Amen!

1. LOOK EXPENSIVE

With thousands of young, clueless congregants who plant a seed at your whim, you are bound to have tons of money. Dress expensively. Have as many expensive, shiny kitenges as you can amass and complement those dresses with sky-high heels you can barely walk in. It doesn’t matter if you are naturally not classy, the whole idea is to look expensive and well fed (as you call “fat”).
While at it, ensure you pile on a cake of make-up. Don’t forget your fake lashes and devilishly long, red, fake nails. To complete your look, throw on an expensive Brazilian weave. Ensure the weave is colourful. The Lord loves a colourful weaver! Even better if your weave resembles the South African flag.

Remember, a polished look is attractive to those naïve female followers who admire your lifestyle. An expensive look is great for the prosperity gospel that you are hawking. You want the young women in your congregation to think they can be you someday. Who better to teach them than the Reverend, the Queen Bee herself?

2. DEVELOP A CONVINCING FAKE ACCENT

It doesn’t matter if you were raised in Ndumberi or Wanyee. Or if you landed in Nairobi 20 years ago, an unschooled, pregnant village girl. It doesn’t even matter that you never studied theology at a reputable college. Girl, you’ve got to roll that tongue. You know worr am sayin’? Have some swag in your speech. Twang to your word as you teach the Word, sister!

3. BE EXTRAVAGANT

You have 99 problems but money isn’t one of them. We do not serve a poor God, so why should a woman of God, a servant of the Most High, live like a pauper? Flaunt your wealth on Instagram. Let your haters hate on Twitter, sorry, twirra. Be the poster child for the prosperity gospel you are marketing. Go golfing on Mondays. I mean, who works on Mondays? Holiday in exotic places.

Take lots of photos. Upload them on social media. Drive those guzzlers you purchased with those poor people’s offerings. A woman of God must live like a queen. Isn’t Christ the King, after all?

Your children too must not be left behind. Teach them to be spendthrifts. The Lord blesses us and our children’s children. Remember the story of Abraham? Buy your daughters sleek cars and take them to affluent schools abroad. The congregation is paying for it.

4. IMAGE IS EVERYTHING

Show off your bishop husband. Act like the perfect couple. You are too good to have marital problems. Tell the whole world what a lucky woman you are. Pose on every magazine cover, holding each other like lovesick teenagers. Post pictures of the two of you on social media in your biker gear, leaning against your Harley-Davidson motorbikes. Ensure you mention your husband and how much the two of you are inseparable, in every media interview.

But don’t forget to be very protective of your husband; you can never trust those sisters in church. They are the agents of the devil; little Jezebelic demons in high, noisy heels. Make sure your office is right outside his office in your church building. You want to inspect every woman who comes into the Bishop’s office. The devil is not an ugly creature with a tail and horns; the devil is a pretty little liar that feigns marital problems to have Bishop lay hands on her.

Ensure these pretty liars pass by your office first. You are the perfect wife. You will solve their cheating-husband problems. The only pretty girl the Bishop will see is you. You are the fairest of them all!

5. BRAINWASH THE SISTERS

Your congregation is vulnerable, but the female members are more vulnerable. Their weakness is your strength. Doesn’t the Bible say in 2nd Corinthians 12:9: “My strength is made perfect in weakness?” Gather the “daughters” once every month and brainwash their silly little brains. Transform their lives by the renewal and removal of their brains sister! Capitalise on their marital problems and their endless search for husbands.

Indoctrinate those naïve childless, husbandless women with the false promise of prosperity. Feed them with half-truths, deceptive arguments and logical fallacies about the kind of men they should marry. Use the Bible to make superficially sound arguments that have immense power to brainwash. You must tell them not to date those losers who live in Eastlands and Roysambu. Of course, don’t forget to tell these defenceless, desperate women to plant a seed to get a husband. Make them call you “mum” to give them a false sense of security.

To make you popular, start a television show and invite ne’er-do-wells to discuss their “success stories”. Talk half the time throughout your show and make it all about you. You are the gospel diva. Before the show is over, sing one of your songs. It ain’t over until the fat lady sings.

6. KNOW YOUR TARGET MARKET

Your church is your business. Mastery of your target market is the key to a breakthrough. To maximise on your capital gains, be very clear about your market and ensure the whole world knows about it.

Poor people from Eastlands are not welcome to your church. Make that crystal clear. Who needs poor people?

And why are these people so poor? Why isn’t everyone successful like you? Why can’t everyone live in a palatial estate like you? Why isn’t everyone smart like you? Poor people are such a nag; they should stay within a 77 mile radius from your church. Poor people are a bad omen. They are devil’s agents.

They cannot tithe. All they need is prayers to raise rent. Ensure your church is located at a nice address where the poor people would have to go through a forest to find a road to get to it. Only Jesus loves poor people, and you are not Jesus. You are a businesswoman. The exotic holiday won’t pay itself.

Of course, there are other tips, like pride, self-importance and condemning columnists (like this one) to eternal torment and annihilation.

Sisters, my prayer for you this Saturday is that may the Lord bless you and keep you, shine His face upon you, but may He especially extend your boundaries and fill your little purses with his wealth and richness. Amen?