Dear sex gods who live in our minds, we humbly ask you to help our clergy see the light at the end of the long tunnel and follow it before it goes off and they are left in the dark. We know they will be with other Kenyans who have also turned their back to that light because it is hurting their extremely sensitive eyes.
It would be wrong to condemn the clergy and call them names because they have refused to see the light or to get out of the tunnel. It would also be wrong to label only them pretenders since we all love to pretend we are comfortable even when we have such a big problem like a foreign condom in our midst.
This latex sheath, which was reportedly made famous by the French company Durex, is currently our biggest problem. It is so big and growing so fast that if we do not bring it under control, it will come between us and our earthly pleasures and definitely smother us to death.
If we are not careful, we will suffocate under a surfeit of the condom, which might as well be a part of the larger sinister foreign hand.
When did the condom start falling on us, when did it start coming between us and our morals, when did it start turning stable families in to dysfunctional ones?
These are questions many of us cannot answer unless we scratch our heads, an action we might want to avoid because it would spoil our months-old weaves which exemplify not just our love for embracing change, but also our preference for dressing like sheep yet, deep inside, we are wolves. But that is not the point.
The main reason we may not answer it lies in our education system, buried in a subject called History. That we are an extremely moral society has never been in doubt, and the people who have safeguarded our morality are none other than the overly religious men and women in our midst — fake or not — aided and abetted by our extremely caring and self-righteous politicians who love us so much that they never want to hurt our feelings.
Many years ago, our religious men and women figured that it was not prudent for school-going children to learn about their sexuality because it was going to corrupt their morals.
It was a clear display of fake emotions over some half-hearted attempt to introduce Family Life Education into the (primary) school curriculum, and the overall feeling was that the young ones would know a lot about their bodies that, instead of working hard so that their parents can dance on national television while mumbling about God when results are released, they would be busy cavorting, canoodling and making babies.
As a nation, we got so busy teaching morality and failed to prevent young school-going children from getting children from supermarket shelves as had been the norm. We live in denial and do not even realise that those children have won international tenders from Postinor and are popping morning-after pills regularly.
The cycle of denial has been our stock in trade, a handy weapon against change even when we are running out of burial space for victims of sexually-transmitted infections.
Ours is a wonderful country where nothing but morality reigns; a nation of well-mannered couples who spend more time together when they are in traffic than at home; a country of resourceful men and well-endowed women who gleefully share what they have with other couples or the unmarried compatriots and when they are reminded of their exploits, they throw tantrums.
All is not lost though, for together with the clergy, we can bury our heads in the empty packs of morning-after pills and pray for the foreign firms that are corrupting children’s minds through advertisements that depict their mothers as sexually-starved, insatiable cheats who should sheathe their excess desires.
Someone tell Kenya to go slow on the tweefs
That the Kenyan nation is a winner even in situations where we have lost is never in doubt, more so when it comes to hurling invectives and invariably displaying our ignorance. To this end, we have found a new tool called the new media — social media is too mainstream for me, you know — and we are out to prove that ours is the Silicon Savannah.
By sitting behind computer monitors and letting our fingers do the talking, we can bully foreign affairs ministers of other countries into apologising and call foreign sports federations enough names to fill up Olympic-size swimming pools.
Ironically, while we are aware of the “power” of the new media, we forget that we always tell others about our dark sides, considering that we are so good at trashing each other on the same new media.
We are such small fish in even smaller ponds and we are yet to realise that we live in a borderless global village and most of our local television channels broadcast to other countries or stream their broadcasts online.
Ease up, people. It’s not a matter of life-and-death.
I told you the media has become a timid bulldog
Never in the history of this country has the media been put on the defensive like now. Journalists are now answering more questions than they are asking.
The other day, I attended an Open Forum on Post-election Analysis on the Role of the Media, organised by Article 19 (Eastern Africa), an international non-state body whose mandate is to defend freedom of expression and information.
Journalists spent the whole day doing nothing but defend themselves and, in the process, some government body, National Steering Committee on Media Monitoring, through its committee secretary Mary Ombara, went on record that mainstream media failed to report on events it noticed were amiss at different polling centres across the country because it wanted to propagate peace.
Journalists appeared to have been scared, she said, and the media “took the peace messages too far and moved from one extreme of being impartial observers” and “became players”.