What’s wrong with men nowadays?

Hello Philip,

I’m saddened by the death of my relationship with a certain Luhya man. I am a lady, aged 26, and horrified by the fact that in this day and age tribalism still persists in relationships even as we fight it elsewhere. I dated this man for seven months and we were to go to visit his mum this August. But he is all changed now.

I have asked him what is happening, but he is not forthcoming. Our communication is almost dead now, and even though he has promised to do his best to change, nothing is happenig. I feel like I am no longer his girlfriend.

This is how it all started: Sometimes in April he went upcountry and broke the news to his mum that he was dating lady from another tribe.

His mum, he told me, cautioned him that women from my tribe are a bit temperamental, and that he should watch his back.

I was not comfortable with that sort of profiling, so I asked him whether it was alright for us to continue with our relationship when his people had such a bad take on ‘us’, meaning my tribe.

He said it was alright, we could go on with our relationship. Nothing to worry about.

So we carried on, even though not all was well. A month ago I called him late in the evening and, after chatting for a while, he told me to hang up so that he could talk to his mother.

I didn’t hang up, and I could hear a woman laughing in the background as I eavesdropped on what was happening.

I then called him again and he told me he was watching a TV programme and would call me back. He didn’t. And didn’t pick my calls or return them either.

The following day I decided to go to his house, where I was met with a careless display of used condoms, ladies’ tops strewn all over. My clothes (I have been his girlfriend, remember) were stuffed ‘safely’ in a box. That was the straw that broke the camel’s back. Tribalism and infidelity were too much to bear.

And so, my questions:

Why can’t men just be open and tell women after them that they have other women in their lives?

Should I ask God for a man from my tribe? This other girl who came into my man’s life is a Luhya, and I was dismissed because I was not a Luhyia.

Are long-distance relationships viable? He lived in Nakuru while I stayed in Nairobi, though we used to visit each other often.

What is wrong with these men? When they find a woman who is ‘wife material’ they just play around with her and let her go, then go yapping all over the place that there are no ‘wife material’ women in this country.

How far in a relationship should one let their parents know that they are dating?

Thank you.

Hi

You got it right there: This guy wanted you out of his life but did not want to be direct with you on that issue. Even though you seem to be on male-bashing mode here, I am of the opinion that both men and women need to be careful when entering and terminating a relationship.

Sometimes men think that a woman will get the message if they (the men) keep off. However, I encourage open and frank discussions because we are dealing with people who have emotions attached to the relationship here.

Also, I do not think tribe was the issue at play here. He just played the tribe card to get rid of you. I am yet to be convinced that his actions were based on the fact that his mother was against the relationship.

Even if this were the case, he should have handled you differently.

You sound like a level-headed person; but are you, really? Do you think you could have managed the information well if he had told you to your face that he has another lady in his life?

True, he needed to tell you frankly about the other woman in his life, but the how may depend on how the two of you talk to each other. I believe in speaking the truth in love.

I agree with you that men (and women) rarely know when the person who would add value to their lives arrives. We treat relationships casually, hence when we want out, we just leave; not caring or making an evaluation of our actions.

Many men and women have left great spouses just because they were attracted to other people else who, sadly, could not offer the qualities that would make a marriage last. I pray that you heal and make the choice not to carry so much regret and remorse.

Thank God you have come to learn of it early enough. How about if this happened while married to him?

Finally, I have to say that, more often than not, ladies allow themselves to go too far just to be terribly disappointed by the men in their lives. We must all the time ask ourselves, what is my partner up to? Is it really time to become sexually intimate? Am I going to regret this action?

It looks like your clothes were already in his house. I think it was unwise for you to have moved in after just seven months of dating. My prayer is that you will forgive him, let him go and move on with your life. You can start again and make it to the future with hope.

All the best.

Hello Philip,

I am aged 25 and a Second Year student at a local university. I met my boyfriend in 2008, then aged 21. We developed a relationship based our own little choices on how we should behave, and agreed to have sex only at marriage. Because of the distance between us, we couldn’t meet frequently.

During one of our meetings he wanted us to have sex and I refused. By then he had cleared campus and was on industrial attachment, while I was in my First Year after completing my diploma.

I refused to have sex because I had not thought about it and was not ready for it. These were some of the choices we made at the beginning and I felt giving in was the beginning of destruction of our relationship.

I loved him and wanted to do everything to nurture our relationship. This is because I also like doing something when my conscience is very clear so that I don’t end up regretting, and I made it clear to him that sex at that time was out of the question.

What made me even more reluctant was the place where we met — very hidden — and this made me think he was after using me. My parents struggle to ensure I complete my education and I don’t want to let them down.

From then my boyfriend stopped calling me like he used to and, from the look of things, lost interest in me. He decided to end the relationship silently.

I was then involved with two other boyfriends, but again they just wanted to have sex and I ended the relationships. It is very easy for someone to think I am full of pride, but that would be wrong.

The fact remains that I still need a man in my life, which is why I wonder whether I will ever get a man who understands me and my choices.

I have indirectly asked some of my friends what they think of a person of my age who has never had sex and they find it odd. That disturbs me a bit, but I still plan to have sex when I am fully — psychologically and otherwise — prepared for it.

When all these questions linger in my mind, I feel terrible, confused even, because my first boyfriend quietly ended our relationship after dating me for more than four years.

What should I do?

Thanks.

First, as a parent of teenagers, I must state that I am proud of the values you hold. Any right-thinking man who learns that you are a values-based woman would want to have you forever. The world has gone and changed.

Virginity and dating without sex are no longer virtues one talks about and wants to be proud about. But I must congratulate you for going against the grain. It is okay to be different and to have values to live by, even if others do not like them. Your focus right up to now has been great. You want to finish college and move on with a career. Brilliant!

Let me assure you, marriage (and relationships) is not all there is to life. There are many other facets of life that bring great satisfaction.

For example, the choice you have made to remain principled should, in itself, make you proud. I guess we would be talking about something different if something had happened to you as a result of you succumbing to the pressure of having sex.

There are many great women and men living a life of regret for compromising their values only to be jilted by their supposed lovers. Keep you head high. I believe the fruits of the choices you made will become evident as you pursue genuineness and authenticity in relationships.

All the best!

I am 21 years old and have been dating a girl for six months now. I am sure that she is in love with me but she is three years older than me, and I don’t want to lose her. Should I continue with this relationship or is it wrong for a boy to date an older girl?

There are many issues to consider as you date someone older than you. First on the list is the fact that it is not a crime to date someone older that yourself. In fact, a three-year difference is negligible.

You may never notice it, particularly if you love and care for each other dearly. Second, consider the stigma that comes from other people who may come to know of your age difference.

How will you handle it? Are you going to be embarrassed about it? If the decision to marry her had taken into account this fact, then you will need to convince yourself first before others can support you.

Third, you must know and be convinced of the things that drew you together. When you weigh these things on the scales of reason, will you be willing to make the necessary sacrifices and defend what you stand for? This is what will help you defend her against your friends, parents, and siblings.

Until you are convinced and have ensured that your love for her is well informed against the stereotypes that will arise, you will most likely fall prey to their lies.

Hello,

My name is George. I’m aged 24 and have been dating a girl aged 21. We met in high school when we were in Form II. We have been okay, even though her mother has been against our relationship.

Two years ago she quarrelled with her mother and came to live with me. Two days later, she showed me a text message that her mother had sent her pleading with her to go home, and I told her it was only right that she goes back home because her mother needed her there. Then all went quiet.

She got a job this year, and things have changed dramatically for us. We had promised each other that we would move in should either of us get a job.

But now that she has landed a job, she says I am not financially stable, and that moving in is not such a good idea. She has now enrolled in college and seems to have no time for me.

What should I do? I feel like ending the relationship, but I still love her and would do anything to make her happy.

Your girlfriend is just 21 years old. Yes, she may look mature, but she needs to complete he basic career training so that she can be guaranteed of a stable job in the future.

You also need to focus on getting yourself a career. Now would be a wrong time to get married since both of you have not even connected in many areas that are essential for a stable marriage. If there is a way you can convince her to meet you, discuss these issue:

Is your relationship headed towards marriage?

What is the road map ahead?

List the priorities you need to take care of before marriage.

A mentor or accountability partner to walk with you. All the best.

Dear Kitoto,

I am a confused and disturbed woman who needs urgent guidance. I men this man named Mike four years ago soon after I got employed. He was my neighbour at a city estate, but he moved to Ngong, where he set up and office and settled.

At the time I was dating another man named Jones and the relationship was serious and level-headed.

When Mike came into the picture, I decided to date both men and see where I would eventually end up, even though I wasn’t quite serious with Mike because all I cared for was his money.

The man used to splash cash on me like a mad man. I got the feeling that he knew that I never really loved him, that is why he decided to use his riches as a charm.

Jones, on the other hand, did not have a stable job, but I loved him more. Both of them knew each other, but were not aware that I was playing them.

Then, out of the blues, Jones became insecure and very violent. He would beat me up in public and rummage through my phone to see who I had called, who had called me, who had texted me and all that.

Any record of a call from or to a man who make him go berserk, raining kicks and blows on me, after which, like a meek man, he would apologise.

After a few months of kicks and blows, I ended the relationship and ran straight into Mike’s arms. Everything went well until recently, when I noticed something amiss.

Kitoto, when I settled for this man, I settled for him for good. I decided to love him completely, with my all, to ensure that our relationship survived.

Now he has become a heavy drinker, and this is affecting our intimacy. I have talked to him severally about this but he still hits the bottle like there is no tomorrow.

Second, he has this male friend who dictates to him what to do and what not to. This friend has invaded our relationship to the extent that he behaves as if he is Mike’s woman now.

He knows everything about my man, all the way to the finest details about his bank balances, clients... name it.

Kitoto, I’m tired of this ‘threesome’. I want out. I love Mike madly but his behaviours — the drinking and his stupid friend — are driving me crazy.

Please advise,

Shiro.

Hi

I am sorry for the predicament you find yourself in. However, you actually brought this on yourself by allowing the desire for material things to cloud your judgment. Jones felt that he ‘owned’ you. You were his and his alone.

That is why he was violent on you and he knew there was nothing you would do. Walking out was, rightly for you, a must. As much as no man has a right to violently abuse the wife or girlfriend, you and I can clearly see that you needed to have made a wise decision much earlier.

How you stayed in such an abusive dating relationship for so long is inconceivable. Was it because of the fear of missing out on the ‘love’? Do not regret to have moved on; after all, you were not married to him.

I do not know whether Mike started his alcohol drinking habit when you were still seeing Jones, or whether it is something that happened much later. You may need to check this out because jealousy of any kind has a way of deflating a relationship and could have caused him to seek solace there.

Alcohol consumption can have a suppressive effect on sexual activity, yet alcohol also has a way of increasing the desire for sex. Since alcohol is a depressant, it will cause the body’s systems to slow down.

For example, judgment, and coordination are negatively affected. It also significantly inhibits men’s sexual behaviour dramatically by reducing testosterone production. While some spouses can become aggressive, other are totally withdrawn when drunk.

As a result, I ask that you help Mike get some help if you truly love him as you allege and if you desire to marry him. Alcohol addiction brings with it social associations that can ruin the addict’s desire for recovery. As a result, the addict will have to avoid these other men in his life.

If the two of you are married, then you have a greater responsibility to seek help on his addiction towards alcohol.

Finally, I must request that you evaluate your association with men as a person. Are you drawn to them with a desire for personal gain or is it for building a permanent relationship in marriage?

The more focused you become, the better more decisive you will be in offering help to them. My prayer is that you will sort the baggage of your past and evaluate your current relationship with Mike.

This is important for you and the future God has for you.

All the best!