He cheated? Here’s not what to do - Daily Nation

He cheated? Here’s not what to do

Tuesday November 9 2010


By Lillian Kithia [email protected]

I once stumbled upon a book on the internet titled, ‘My husband’s affair became the best thing that ever happened to me’ and at first it seemed to me like its author was in denial of the adverse effects that her husband’s infidelity could have had on her.

But as I read the book and begun to see how her life had gradually changed since the moment she stopped blaming herself for her man’s philandering ways, I realised one thing, an obvious tragedy does not necessarily mean the end of the world- or the end of a marriage for that matter.

However, while Anne Bercht, the author of the aforementioned book may have found new meaning in life after being betrayed by her better half, this is not always the case with every affair.

As a matter of fact, we have all at least met women who can recount the details of their husband’s affairs that happened more than twenty years ago, like they happened yesterday.

But though it may be hard to forgive and forget and like Ms. Bercht, turn your man’s affair into the best thing that ever happened to you, how do you ensure that you do not forever look at it as the worst thing that ever happened to you?

Here are some pointers;

Don’t take it out on the other woman: It is your husband you are in a relationship with, and the other woman owes you no explanations. Truth is; she probably doesn’t even know that your man is married, and if she does, she clearly doesn’t care. So don’t call her and try to give her a piece of your mind since nothing will be achieved this way. Talk it out with your man instead.

Don’t try to make sense out of nonsense: When you confront your spouse, one of these two things is likely to happen; he will either be forthcoming and remorseful or distant and rude. Whichever way it pans, be wary because distant and rude means that he is not sorry and could do it again, while his remorse could be a decoy. Do not try to excuse his actions or the way he responds to your confrontation. Remember that rationalising your cheating spouse’s behavior or sympathising with him is pointless.

Resist the urge to try and make him love you: Many women blame themselves for their partner’s infidelities. They wonder what it is they could have done better to ensure that the man remained in love with only them. Resist the urge to do this. Don’t cut your hair or break a bank getting a make-over. At least not for him. His actions are not your fault.

Re-evaluate yourself. Has this happened to you before? Are you a bad-boy magnet? Do you give off the wrong kind of vibe that makes it hard for a man to respect you? Are you too afraid of losing your man that you let him get away with dis­­­­­­­­­­­­­­respecting you? Answering these questions will ensure you don’t get hurt again.

Be patient: Give yourself time and permission to mourn. Something has been stolen from you. You can never get it back. Something has been lost forever. The most important promise, a vow, has been broken. Don’t fight the feeling to cry or binge. Give yourself time to mourn and you will soon get over it.

Move on: Whether with your husband or not, you need to move on after the affair. Sadly, this is where most women get stuck. Don’t spend the rest of your life recounting the affair to everyone who cares to listen. It is necessary for you to move forward with life and love. Remember that it is better to be healthy alone than sick with someone else. If your partner wants back in, he will have to earn his way back into the relationship. Renegotiate the relationship in a way that works for both of you.

Remember that for you to be able to enjoy love after this, being willing to trust again is key. Take things one step at a time. Time heals nothing. It is what you do with the time that matters.