What’s missing from our skies lately…
No, it’s not metal knives and forks, or meals that can actually fill a tummy. There is just a distinct lack of eye candy for men to enjoy.
Thanks to terrorism, flying has become a most undignified experience.
These days, they don’t just ask you questions; they strip you at airports (if they don’t like your names) and a cold, ugly piece of metal is often run over your groin.
Worse, in this new disturbing age, it’s only at airports that daughters watch their fathers dress.
I recently saw an overweight father – who obviously fancied oversized pants – precariously hop on one leg, struggling to gather his falling pants with one hand and his shoes with the other.
His daughter, a three-year-old, laughed her head off while watching her hapless daddy almost topple over in an embarrassing mess.
The good old days
But you always knew that the experience would change for the better inside the plane.
The air hostesses always came through with their smiles, flawless skin, sparkling eyes, perfectly aligned – and oh-so-toothpaste-commercial-white – teeth, long legs and small waists.
They made flying bearable. But that was in the 80’s and 90’s. That ship sailed a long time ago. Something has happened to air hostesses in the past decade or so. Something ugly.
Folks, air hostesses have lost their luster. If beauty was ever important in a profession, it’s this one. And beauty is not even about having a lovely face (though it helps) or great legs (though that helps, too).
It’s also about attitude. Cheek. Chutzpah. It’s about an air that someone exudes when they walk into a room, chin up, straight back and easy gait. A smile usually helps, too, if it won’t crack your foundation.
A few days ago, as I sat on one of those cold plastic airport chairs after checking in, I watched air hostesses pulling their fancy little suitcases behind them. And although their faces looked fresh, most looked somewhat jaded.
Our grim reality
They looked so darn tired; they stooped, they slouched, they dragged their frames and the tic-tac of their high-heels sounded muffled and hesitant.
In the plane, they were gracious and professional, but about as warm as a dispensing machine.
“Tea or coffee, sir?” one asked me, and I deadpanned, “I will have a smile, thank you.” But when she smiled, it refused to reach her eyes.
It seems that the more powerful their union gets, the less enticing air hostesses get. And let’s not even try and be politically correct here; this is a profession of vanity where looks and personality are a big deal.
The profession calls for a certain lofty level of aesthetical superiority, because, depending on the duration of your flight, you are likely to have an average of three interactions with a hostess… unless you are the annoying attention-seeking type that is always engaging them in some inane debate on why they should serve nyama choma on local flights.
What we need
And so you need a beautiful hostess serving you, giving you instructions, or just hearing her say “Is everything okay, sir? Did you remember to take your sedatives this time?”
Air hostesses should be pretty, period. And if they aren’t pretty, they should have good bodies. And if those two are impossible (and they aren’t, surely) then they should have the best personality in the sky. If that’s not possible, I will take a bus.
Not every woman looks good in a short skirt. If not, best to find some other asset and accentuate that instead.
One last thing: it’s very common now to see an airhostess who seems (how do I say this without sounding like a “heartless illiterate” as one irate a reader called me last week) like she has had a very heavy breakfast.
This makes it uncomfortable when she is serving you a measly piece of croissant and yoghurt for breakfast.
A body that has enjoyed a bit of a dietary hedonism can always be hidden under clever stitching. Why am I banging on about this today?
Because flying is not cheap and money is short, and men care too much for that institution to see it all go south (pun not intended).
Someone please bring back optical candy to our skies.