You don't need affirmation from your boys to be a man

Last week, a man was caught cheating. That's hardly shocking. Let's try this again.

Last week, a popular local radio presenter was caught cheating. One more take. Last week, a popular local radio presenter was caught cheating, AGAIN.

But that won't be the centre of my column this week because he's one of Kenya's ever-growing MBA (Married but Available) battalion and there's nothing newsworthy about common everyday affairs (all pun intended).

Let's talk a bit about how the whole story unfolded. So this Facebook user wrote a post in which she posted a picture of the said radio presenter and his "boys club" talking about how she and her girls had dated these men.

She narrated how they found out that these men would sleep with anything that was in a skirt. Soon afterward, gossip blogger Edgar Obare released a series of leaked screenshots showing discussions from the radio presenter's "boys club."

That's where the discussion got heated. The leaked chats showed the men bragging about the various women they had bedded. It's worth noting that these men are married or in long-term relationships and weren't talking about their significant others.

PRESENTER'S APOLOGY

They were also boasting by showing proof (which was either through videos or photos) of their affairs, and oh boy, they shared away.

They went further to discuss the apartments they had rented out for these after-work rendezvous. Allegedly, they also kept a tally of their total counts and the said radio presenter was at the top of the rankings.

I'm not quite sure how his wife or their wives in general would agree that topping this list is a momentous occasion. They all probably have until the end of the quarantine period to settle things before the courts are back in session.

It was a mess. A huge one. Then came the apology. It was a ploy to destroy his family, he explained. He acknowledged the group does exist, in which the contents are just men's talk, which he defended as not been different from other male groups.

As for the rented apartment, this was a studio for work used by members of the group. I have so many things I felt about the whole scenario but mostly starting with the fact that I believed that 30 was that age where men would have figured their lives out. I was wrong it seems.

NEED FOR AFFIRMATION

A rating system for women you've cheated with isn't my source of pride as a man and shouldn't be for any man at any age.

There really must be bigger things that you would be proud of - a new business? A new car? A plot? Avoiding gout and other nyama choma illnesses? Something. Anything.

Having a whole WhatsApp group to discuss conquests points to the need for affirmation that these men need now that they can't buy overpriced alcohol for the whole table at bars and be called "boss or mkubwa."

It's true a number of men do tend to have online groups where once in a while they discuss their sexual escapades.

Women, too, as they soon admitted online after this scandal, do occasionally discuss men. But this is not my focus for today.

SEEK CONSENT

I want to centre on three main things. One, if you're recording your sexual escapades, you should have consent from the woman involved.

Also, before releasing the nudes you need to have been granted permission by the person in question. If not, you shouldn't share, and if you do you should be in jail, dear brother.

Two, if you're cheating, it's not wise to form a WhatsApp group to discuss it. I would have thought that was common sense.

Three, you don't need sexual affirmation from your boys to be a man. I'm all for sex positivity, but if you really need to feel better about yourself and your abilities, you should focus on better performance so that the praise comes from the source.

Perhaps, make Google your friend, and search for daily mantras you can chant in the mirror to give kudos to yourself.

For now, I think we should focus on not embarrassing other men by getting caught up in similar messes. We can do better.