The life and times of a widow

For some women, a husband’s death is compounded by cultural demands of widowhood that include being denied of inheritance and land rights, eviction from their homes, ostracization and abuse.

Many are stigmatised and blamed for their husband’s death. In some communities, they are considered impure, and tradition dictates that they must be ‘cleansed’ of their husbands’ death, a ritual that requires her to have sex  either with a relative or stranger (in some cases mad men).

Most widows live with psychological challenges, financial constraints, burden of raising children alone, and the cultural demands of widowhood.

Thanks to exposure and education, some of them survive the economic challenges they face after losing their husbands. All the same, the stigma attached to widows is still overlooked even as the country strives for gender equality.

As we mark the International Widows' Day, a day that addresses poverty and injustice widows and their children face, we speak with two widows on their experiences.

CEMENT GRAVE

Ms Tabitha Adhiambo lost her husband in July 2010, leaving her with five children.

His death threw her out of balance. Becoming a widow at age 36, was the least of her imagination. The couple loved each other and looked forward to golden days together.

“I felt lonely. I felt confused. I was completely lost in a whirlwind,” says the widow from Osiri village in Kisumu West Sub-county, Kisumu County.

It dawned on her that she was sure a widow two weeks later when she decided to cement his grave.

Her desolation worsened when her in-laws accused her of being “a thief, witch, prostitute and beggar.” They were angered by her decision to stone his grave without their consent, she says.

Before his death, he worked at the then Ministry of State for Special Programs. He had bought an acre of land next to the paternal home and built a house for his nuclear family.

Ms Adhiambo, an Early Childhood Development Education (ECDE) trained teacher was out of employment when her husband died. A month to his demise, she had closed a kindergarten she was running in the village to take care of him in hospital. She had no savings while the money her husband had set aside went into clearing his one-month hospital bills.

During the burial, her in-laws promised to educate her five children, pledges that turned to be mere statements.

Her two elder daughters were in high school while the younger two were in Class Six and Class Three. The youngest was two years old.

“I called severally but nobody picked my calls,” she says.

Desperate for solace, Ms Adhiambo turned to her mother who was also a year into widowhood. Her advice was a kicker.

She told me: “My daughter don’t you cry. Remember, you have bought your own car and there is no other driver except yourself and the car must move. Driving the car is the only choice you have.”

“I asked her: ‘How will I drive the car and yet I don’t know how to drive?’ Her answer was that God will teach me how to drive. I always remember her words whenever I am down.”

With the mother’s advice, the despair that filled her world turned into the energy she needed to fight on.

She decided to ignore her in-laws’ derogative branding and do the “right thing of involving them in her plans to educate the children.”

FUNDS DRIVE

One morning in August, a month after her husband’s burial, she visited her in-laws and asked them to help her organise a funds drive to raise Sh117,000 for her daughters’ school fees.

A month down the line and there was no communication from her mother-in-law or any other relative.

She, however, decided to hold the fundraiser in November, only for the in-laws to summon her a few days later and scold her for being “a disrespectful woman”. She collected Sh50,000 at the fundraiser.

“They accused me of excluding them in my plans and called me names. I cried and wished my husband was alive. I swore never to allow them dampen my efforts to educate my children,” she says.

From then on, fundraisers, friends’ contributions and bursary from Constituency Development Fund became her source of school fees.

Her efforts have yielded fruit. The two elder daughters are now Second and Third Year nursing students at Kenya Medical Training College in Kisumu. The eldest is also lucky to be enlisted for Higher Education Loans Board’s students’ loan.

The third born has been selected for an Information, Communication and Technology course at a local college. The last two are in Form Two and Class Five respectively.

Ms Adhiambo also got an ECDE job with Kisumu County in 2015, and is able to contribute towards her children’s education.

Ms Hellen Atieno, widowed in 2006 is, however, grateful to her in-laws for supporting her since she lost her husband.

The mother of four from Ruma village in Rarieda Sub-county, Siaya County says her in-laws have never stopped her from farming on her husband’s two-acre land.

DISINHERITANCE

They have also allowed her to run a retail shop built on the land.  She invests proceeds from the shop in table banking, enabling her to take education loans.

She is the chairperson of 28-member Tieng’o Women Group through which the widows take loans to educate their children  and start or boost their businesses.

“Before the emergence of Covid-19, we met weekly to encourage each other or help a colleague at risk of disinheritance, or in need of guidance on new business,” she says.

Thanks to the table banking group, she has three children through college. Her lastborn daughter will also soon graduate with a diploma in tours and travel operations.

Her message to the widows as they mark International Widows Day is “God loves you. Find strength within and you are not alone.”

Executive Director of Nyanam International Ms Jackline Odhiambo says widows are still perceived as social misfits.

To change the narrative, she advocates for community sensitisation so that the people can respect and support them.

“For instance, in Kisumu and Siaya counties, a widow would find herself in trouble if she speaks with a married man even if it’s just greetings. This is wrong,” says Ms Odhiambo who empowers widows in Kisumu and Siaya counties.