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Don’t be coerced into marriage because she’s having your child

Tuesday June 23 2020
Loveless marriage

Don’t marry out of loneliness: Take time to study your partner’s characteristics. PHOTO | SHUTTERSTOCK

By PHILIP KITOTO

Hello Pastor Kitoto,

I met a woman who I slept with the first day we met. She is now six months pregnant though we are not in a relationship having quarreled and gone our separate ways. We have conversations via text messages, which are sometimes bitter exchanges. She insists that we get back together for the sake of the child and get our parents’ blessings, but I’m hesitant because I don’t feel the relationship would work. Besides, I’m in school and have no way to support a family. Nevertheless, I’m interested in the child. Help me out of this dilemma.

Hello,

Getting back together must be for the right reasons, so no, giving your non-existent relationship a shot for the sake of the baby you’re going to have will not be enough to sustain a relationship. You need to come together because you love each other and want to spend the rest of your life together.

Marriages founded on temporary foundations don’t last. Children are with us for a period and then they leave. You therefore need to marry someone because you are committed to them and are willing to pay the price of remaining together.

Should I move in with my girlfriend of one year?

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Pastor Kitoto,

I have been dating for almost a year now, is this a good time to move in with my girlfriend?

Hi,

There is a question that every couple should consider before getting married: Why do you want to enter the marriage dance?” It’s a question I ask in my book, The Marriage Dance.

I write, “While some people may trivialise the importance of this question, you may need to ask yourself, “Are we in love?” and, “Are we suited for each other?”

Marriage is more complex than we take it to be. It brings together many years of the experience of each person into the basket. This includes their upbringing, exposure, personality and many more. I recommend a book by Les and Leslie Parrot, Getting Ready for the Wedding. It gives some reasons why a person should not get married. Consider this.

Love at first sight: You should not base marriage on attraction at first sight. Feelings come and go, therefore you need more, including strong commitment.

Rebellion: Your past can easily follow you and haunt you for a long time if you don’t deal with it effectively. You should, for instance, not marry to rebel against your parents, or to prove a point or to hurt someone who hurt you.

Obligation: Don’t marry out of obligation or out of duty. You would rather break up now than go separate ways after marriage.

Don’t marry out of loneliness: Take time to study your partner’s characteristics, emotional balance, drive, endurance and understanding of the relationship. Hurry, hurry has no blessing.

Love on the rebound: You will suffer low esteem after a break-up, and will not give much thought to who you choose next. Ensure that you part peacefully and take time to heal before you consider getting into another relationship. When you are hurt, it easy to make wrong decisions.

Money: Don’t stay in a relationship because your partner funds your lifestyle. Focusing on material gain rather than your partner’s character will lead to an unhappy marriage. How will you enjoy the money if you’re unhappy.

Marrying to escape: Don’t just marry because you’re unhappy with the situation you’re in or you’re ashamed of being single. You cannot run away from life, but you can confront it and deal with it them move on.

Every person desiring to get married must understand the reasons leading them to this desire. Marriage must not be built on selfish desires but on mutual love and understanding. If we value why we are getting married, we will choose with wisdom right from the start to marry for the right reasons.

When we marry for the right reasons, we will invest in the marriage and guard it at all costs. Marrying the wrong person for the right reasons is equally as bad as marrying a right person for the wrong reasons.

In my book, I write: “It is those who are willing to make such tough choices that will be guaranteed a long lasting, enjoyable and successful marriage.”

For example, such a choice should say, I will not marry you:

(a) If your vision of marriage is very different from mine,

(b) If your values are the opposite of mine,

(c) If you do not respect my opinion.

Since the decision to marry your girlfriend is simply based on the fact that you have been together a year, you would be making a mistake.

I would like to date him, but he says he’s too busy with his studies — should I wait for him?

Hi Pastor Kitoto,

I met this guy a month ago. I like him and I believe he likes me too. The problem is that he told me that right now he is too busy with his job and studies to date or be in a relationship. He has two semesters to go. I believe that if someone loves you, then this person should create time for you, not give excuses. Kindly advise me, should I wait for him to finish his studies, and does he really care about me? Whenever he calls or I call him, he reminds me that he told me he is not ready for a commitment.

I’m confused.

Hi,

Life is about prioritising some things and moving others to the bottom of the list. This man you desire so much for a boyfriend has made a choice to place emphasis on his education. A relationship therefore is not important to him right now. I may agree with him that studies and securing oneself a career path are key. If I were you, I would be supportive of his decision and base my decision to either wait for him or not depending on how he treats you or how he talks to you whenever you have a conversation. When it comes to a relationship, timing is everything. The following will guide you:

Get the timing right

Timing involves many factors. For instance, am I in a position to give time to nurturing a relationship, support a family and put time aside for adventure? Am I emotionally ready to get involved in a relationship? Divided attention can kill a good relationship. Relationships require time.

Know who you want to marry

Can you see yourself growing old with this person? Some people are able to determine from first contact whether a person is right or wrong for them. Others need more time to observe and watch before they make a decision. I can bet you that by now, this man has some idea about the kind of person you are, and saying that he is busy with his studies is just a way of avoiding you.

Be careful not to present yourself as pushy and desperate because this can be repulsive.

Do you have a relationship question? Email [email protected]

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