He’s handsome and fun but insensitive and mean. Am I wasting my time?

Pastor Kitoto, 

I am confused and disappointed. I am dating a handsome, outgoing, and fun man but he is very insensitive and mean. We have been living together for less than a year now. I moved in with him thinking that things would change but he is still the same.
He says he loves me and we are supposed to meet our parents soon but I wonder if this is a good idea.

My brother thinks that he is not a good fit for me since he is selfish. My older sister is also losing patience because we have not made our relationship official, yet I'm cohabiting with him. She says all my boyfriend is happy doing is sleeping with me but does not want me as his wife. What complicates matters is that I caught him cheating with a young girl but he apologised. I am confused because I love him. Please help!

Hi,

I can definitely feel your frustration. However, this is self-inflicted pain and it can be avoided. Despite the challenges partners face in relationships, their connection must be built around similar convictions and aspirations.

Honesty speaking, I do not see any one thing the two of you share other than the fact that you are sexually intimate. Sex or formalising your relationship with your parents is not all there is to make a marriage work. Your brother is helping you open your eyes to see the relationship differently.

Building a great foundation is key to any lasting romance in a relationship. First, both of you must commit to a faithful and honest disclosure of past, current and future life issues. I am afraid both of you are living a lie and you will end up wasting each other's time and hurt deeply. An authentic relationship is a commitment, and each partner must be intentional and work on it for it to last.

Since you have already been living together while there is still much uncertainty, is a compromise that you may need to correct. With such an evaluation, determine whether your relationship is moving in the right direction and making progress for the better and whether it can last the storms of life or not.

A confession of love is not enough to make your relationship work.

Read: I’m 35 and desperately looking for a spouse 

Secondly, take a look at how your relationship is and identify values you see that are core to making a marriage last.

Depending on the nature of values you find in your relationship, use further skills like critical thinking to determine why certain things are not working the way they should. Why is he insensitive and cheats on you and yet he confesses love towards you? I feel he is taking advantage of you and choosing to ignore what you think is important.

If this is true, then it may be time you reconsidered your stand. Most times the things we feel unhappy about now could later multiply and impact the relationship negatively.
Third, a relationship must be built on truth and genuine love. How can he be in love with you and yet cheat on you?

That is plain and simple manipulation. People in a relationship need to be responsible, respect each other’s feelings, and take responsibility for their actions. This is a sign of maturity.

With the little you have shared, I don’t believe this man is authentic. So, you need to firmly make him aware of the feelings of displeasure you have with his cheating and insensitivity towards you. Cheating and other negative behaviour traits can with time damage a relationship.

If he truly loves you as he claims to do, use this as an avenue to challenge his wrong behaviour. Don’t allow yourself to continue supporting actions that hurt you. Have clear boundaries on what you will or will not tolerate.

Finally, you have to keep in mind that this relationship is about yourself and this man. Your brother and sister are but outsiders when it comes to the hurts or neglect you could go through in the future. Of course, their words, although important, are aimed at deliberately swaying you in a particular direction.

In the end, you have to make a decision you can live with without blaming anyone.

Always be cautious about the fact that it is about you whether your man chooses to sober up or remain selfish and insensitive towards you. Yes, the accountability your siblings are offering is key but must be weighed on the scales of what will create a stable future.

Lack of accountable behaviour is something worth pondering on. This is an area where you may need to make alternative demands that bring sanity. Your partner must be accountable and take responsibility for his decisions.

Empty promises will not work for both of you.

Read: Can a Christian man cheat if his wife withholds sex?

When this is done well, an environment of trust and understanding will develop. This will bring the much-needed clarity for you to make critical decisions. It is not to your benefit to entertain a relationship that leans more on the desire of the flesh rather than values.

Checking on the genuineness of your partner’s actions should be at the core of the survival and future of the relationship.

Any inconsistencies will only add to the confusion and disappointment you currently have. The future depends on your convictions and how they drive your actions.

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