I’m afraid telling him about my abortion will make him dump me

Hi Phillip,

I’m 24 years and have been dating a man of 32 for six months. We are planning to settle down in future.

This man trusts me very much but I am haunted by my past, which I fear disclosing lest I lose his trust. Before I met him, I had behaved badly after my last heartbreak. I drank alcohol and even had an abortion.

Since I met this man I have mended my ways. He is God-fearing and has good Christian morals and I love him for that.

I have confessed everything — except that I had an abortion — and he has forgiven me. I didn’t tell him about the abortion because he once said he couldn’t stand a woman who had committed murder.

Now, should I tell him about it or not? I’m afraid if I do, he will walk out of my life. But if I do not tell him now, he might find out later and things could turn ugly. I am confused because I love him very much. Kindly advise.

Meka

Hi,

It looks like want to do the right thing and live a decent life after turning over a new leaf. I hope your desire to live right is for you, and not for your man, unless you are longing for your past life and wish you were back there.

If you truly dread going back there, then do it for yourself and your future. At times people come into our lives for a while just to support and help us. They remain or leave us after their work is done. Just ensure that you do not compromise and backslide.

On whether to tell him about the abortion or not, it is important that you mark out your own path of recovery without being influenced by others. Yes, people can help, but they should not be the reason we change.

If we change because of people, we will not be happy in our reformed life. Remember, his words about abortion have made you reflect deeply on the issue. Suppose you go back and start where he left it off.

Ask him whether he believes God can forgive a person who has aborted and give them a new start. If God can be that merciful, so should he. If he can’t forgive you, then perhaps he is not the right person for you. It is important to live in freedom.

However, this freedom does not mean the right to do as one pleases, but the power and capacity both to will and to do as one should. True freedom is never freedom from responsibility, but responsibility to make the right choices.

Do what will help you live free from condemnation.

He conned me into being a second wife:

Dear Kitoto,

I have always worked hard in school and achieved good grades. I graduated from campus at the top of my class, and without having fallen into the temptations of campus life – drugs, sex, alcohol.

However, my life suddenly changed when I turned 25. I got a pregnant and resigned myself to being a single mother after breaking up with my baby’s father.

But I also enrolled for my Masters degree after getting a scholarship. I got a good job in August 2012 and was happy that I could finally support my child and live a good life.

Earlier (in October 2011), I met another man but we were not very close since he was only helping me with my research project. We lost touch when I completed the project.

In January 2012, his son died of complications from cerebral palsy and I offered my condolences as a friend.

A month later, I lost my grandfather, to whom I was very close, especially towards the end of his live. The man attended the funeral at my home.

After that, we became close, and that wa when he told me that both his children suffered from cerebral palsy, and that the surviving child was always in and out of hospital.

The child died in August 2013. The mother of his children had had a previous relationship, and all her children had died from the same condition. Consequently, he wanted to start life afresh.

I took time in this relationship since I knew that he had several unresolved issues from his past. Besides, I wanted to get married the proper way – have the bride price paid and then have a church or civil ceremony.

I also made it clear to him that I did not wish to be a second wife.

When I told him that, he said his relationship with the other woman was beyond repair, and that he had even told his parents and friends of his intention to start his life afresh.

Between 2012 and 2013, he introduced me to his family and friends; in fact, his parents consider me their daughter-in-law.

We formalised our union in April last year through a customary marriage and I am expecting our first child.

However, I have since learnt that the other woman has a five-month-old daughter. He claims that the child is not his but he paid the hospital bill and supports her and the baby.

Whenever I ask him about his relationship with the woman, he says he will support them from a distance.

Yet he visits them for a few days. I have asked him to bring the child to live with us when she is old enough and he agreed, subject to a paternity test (he has always denied that the child is not his), but later changed his mind.

I feel cheated, used and emotionally manipulated. I was not ready for this kind of life, especially being a “second wife”.

I don’t know what to do. I hate my unborn child because if I weren’t carrying it, I would walk out of this relationship and never look back.

I occasionally take alcohol to take away my pain and once tried committing suicide.

My parents do not know what I am going through. My questions are:

1. How do I raise two children alone? How will society look at me if I walk out of this relationship? Where do I even start?

2. How do I tell my friends, parents and extended family the truth?

3. What kind of relationship will my children have? I got pregnant knowing that I would raise my children in a family set-up.

4. Which man would want to get involved with a woman who has two children by different fathers (10 years from now)?

My relationship with God has been greatly affected. I just feel like a hypocrite. I also feel that my whole life has been wasted.

I have been a good girl all my life but here I am, living a miserable life yet some of my peers who did all manner of things while in high school and campus are happily married.

Help me before I do something crazy. I do not see the value of life anymore.

GA

Hi,

As much as you feel he is to blame for all you are going through, remember that every decision has consequences. You say he lied to you. But, here you are, with a baby to care for and your life to manage.

It really is complicated, seeing that he already took you in and performed all the necessary customary requirements. You should focus and move away from blame to a place you can sort this mess out and get your joy back.

With a blurred focus, the chances of getting into an even worse mess are high. The worst thing you can do is sink into a depression because of your situation. Your children need you and you have other dreams to fulfill in life.

If, indeed, this man was married when he asked for your hand in marriage, he should give you an explanation. Although his explanations will do very little to clean up the past, at least it will help you get closure on the issue.

Raising your children is key and he should take part in that. I suggest that you divorce your recovery from the perspective people have of you. Your determination to heal and focus on the things that matter is key.

Of course your friends, parents, and those who knew you will have a word of advice for you. But whether suchadvice will be beneficial is another thing altogether. Those who attempt to judge you have no power to stop your healing and progress towards making things better in your life, unless you let them.

If this man is, indeed married, and he intentionally lied to hide the fact from you, then it is obvious that he wanted you as a second wife. Since disclosure is key in marriage, you deserved to be told the truth.

I am glad that at least your children have you. If you choose to heal, you can help your children walk into adulthood as informed kids. I would suggest that you stop worrying about the future; take one day at a time.

I also suggest that you talk to a professional counsellor who will help you make steps from the feeling you have towards yourself and this man. You need to be helped to confront your fears positively.

I got back with my ex thinking he had changed, but he hasn’t”

Dear Kitoto,

I am 31 years old and have a daughter who I got after breaking up with my ex.  

Throughout the pregnancy, the father of my baby appeared supportive but towards the eighth month he began to withdraw slowly.  

I thought it was because of the nature of his work but things got worse.

On the day I delivered, he only sent me Sh1,500 for a taxi, but did not call to find out my whereabouts.

About four hours after having the baby, I called to let him know but he didn’t sound interested.

I told him that I had been diagnosed with a problem because our blood groups were incompatible and needed to be injected with a drug that cost Sh5,000 within 72 hours but he told me he had no money.

As I was trying to make ends meet, my ex came to the hospital with a sick friend and bumped into my sister. She told him that I had had a baby, and that the child’s father had refused to help me buy the medicine.

He left with the prescription and to my surprise, bought me the drug. He even paid the bill and came for me when I was discharged the following day.

It was not until two weeks later that my daughter’s father sent me Sh7,000 when I called to ask about naming her. He said he would have given the child a name if it were a boy.

I was very annoyed and promised myself not to ask him for anything, although he paid my rent for five months and then went underground.

Then after one year, my ex started to make moves. I was very skeptical because I had left him because he was lazy and wanted to live beyond his means; he also cheated on me.

However, I decided to forget the past and we started going out when my daughter was one-and-a-half. He appeared to love her and even seemed to have changed.

We moved in together after two years but I have noticed that my ex is the same lazy man.

He has always relied on selling land, houses, and cars at a commission, which is very erratic. And when he gets money, he spends it on drinking, friends and women, even hiring cars for them.

At such times he does not take matatus. He only resurfaces when the money is finished. I’m fed up with this kind of life because I see no future in him and for the sake of my daughter. Please advice.

Shanel

Hi,

Your current confusion is the sum of many things you did not approach the right way in your relationship. First, I really see no mention of any form of love or affection between you and either boyfriend.

I am not sure whether you dealt with the reasons why you broke up in the first place before moving in with your former boyfriend?

If you did not, ask yourself why you would want him back after you walked out on him? He cannot be the solution to the father of your child walking out on you or changing unless the two of you made an agenda of discussion.

Second, it appears like from the start, finance was an issue between you and him. Even after he moved in, it is still the big issue. 

Success in relationships is found only when you decide to face the realities in front of you head on. You should be focused and refuse to be compromised. Your ex found you easy target because of your vulnerable situation.

Third, there seems to be no mutual agreement in key areas such as the values you embrace. The issue is not that he has no money, but that he is careless. He refuses to be financially accountable when he has some.

The big question is whether this is what you really want. The answer is “No!” I suggest that this time round, do what is right and what will be beneficial to you and your baby in the future.

It is clear from the actions of your child’s father s that he is not willing to support your and the baby. It took him a long time to take responsibility. There are many avenues open to you to get the necessary support from him towards the upkeep of your child.