If you cannot envision a future with your girlfriend, leave her

Happy couple. PHOTO | SHUTTERSTOCK

What you need to know:

  • If you cannot envision the future of your relationship, it is difficult to invest in it or make sacrifices for it.
  • A joint marital vision for the future takes time and effort to build. It must also be jointly owned if it is going to be successful.

Pastor Kitoto,

I’ve been dating my girlfriend for close to two years. She happened to visit me and refused to leave. Since then, we’ve been living together. Right now, she is in college. An aunt pays her fees. She’s 23, while I am 26. The problem I have with her is that she does not observe hygiene. She has also become very rude and disrespectful, yet I pay all the bills. She also does not take advice positively. Her father, who doesn’t’ support his family, recently advised her not to have a child with me since her aunt will be displeased. This, and yet I have even introduced her to my parents. Kindly advise me. I have no peace of mind.

Hello,

Some of the issues you raise in your email are a bit surprising. Relationships must be founded on a joint agreement. I therefore find it strange that a woman would simply walk into your house and refuse to leave, as you put it.

I am, however, inclined to believe that you did not ask her or even force her to leave. You also say you have introduced her to your parents: who is she to you? Your girlfriend or your wife? It appears, from your email, you have been together for a long time. You must, therefore, determine what you want and what you mean to each other so that you don’t end up wasting each other’s time.

My observation is that as time goes by, you are more likely to find more and more issues to fight about since there is very little that holds you together.

Should you decide to hold onto this relationship, you are going to have to work really hard to find enough reason to fight for it, but if you think you can resolve the problems you’re going through, then you should start working on your relationship’s foundation right away because it’s faulty, but if you don’t see a future with her, then end this relationship

I don’t think I’m old enough for marriage, but my girlfriend won’t let go

Hi,

I’m 22, in a relationship with someone the same age. It’s as if my girlfriend and I are married because we are living in the same house. However, I feel I’m too young to be in such a relationship, but when I brought this up, she accused me of not loving her, adding that I probably want to marry someone else. What do I do? Is it advisable to marry someone the same age as you?

Hi,

Marrying someone that is the same age as you is not necessarily an issue that could have an impact on a marriage. However, I’m concerned that the two of you are living as man and wife at such as young age. If you feel you’re not ready for such a commitment, I suggest that you break up with your girlfriend and put your life in order. Break the news forthrightly, but with love.

Here are some questions you should ask yourself:

Why do I feel the way I do? If you continued living together, how will you support each other? You do not say whether you have jobs or are in college. Marriage demands financial security as well as a level of maturity to process the challenges that are sure to come up. The exchange you had with your girlfriend when you told her you are not comfortable with your current living arrangement points to a lack of maturity.

I feel that the two of you need to be away from each other to get the sobriety you need. There is still time because you are young, and if you really love each other, you will get back together when the time is right.

Young people looking for a quick fix in all areas of their lives

Dear Pastor Kitoto,

I thank you for your work. I feel, from experience, that most people, especially the youth, are looking for quick fixes in all areas of their lives — a good life, riches, beautiful wives and bright and successful children. They try to achieve these objectives very fast and at whatever cost, irrespective of the repercussions. At look at current problems facing young families tell it all. Carry on with the good work, Reverend.

Hello,

I fully agree with you. Today’s young people lack a clear agenda, especially when it comes to relationships. My hope, just like yours, is for those who get into relationships with marriage in mind put in the effort needed to build a worthwhile union and intentionally invest in the kind of relationship that will last and bring them true joy and happiness.

Every relationship must be founded on a plan and a shared dream. One must also be willing to pay the price for a happy and fulfilling relationship. But putting in place a good plan is not enough, it must be followed by a willingness to follow the plan. It’s also important to ask yourself questions such as, “When and why do I want someone in my life?” “What kind of person makes a good life partner?” These may seem like simple questions, but they could make or break your marriage in future. Unfortunately, most get into a relationship to fulfil a selfish agenda, but when you replace selfishness with selflessness, you are likely to build a lasting relationship.

Go beyond attraction to commitment:

Great relationships are about how much time we actually put aside to connect. They also require intentional care.

It’s not enough to be attracted to each other. Therefore, if your relationship is based on your partner’s looks, it’s a sinking ship. Relating intelligently goes beyond physical feelings. Achieving lasting chemistry in a relationship has everything to do with embracing emotional intelligence.

They also demand regular reviews to gauge whether the goals set are being met.

Have the future in mind:

If you cannot envision the future of your relationship, it is difficult to invest in it or make sacrifices for it. A joint marital vision for the future takes time and effort to build. It must also be jointly owned if it is going to be successful.

Create an environment for growth

You cannot build a healthy and thriving relationship based only on what works for you. If you often make comparisons, compete and are driven by self-gratification and selfish gain, the relationship is doomed to fail. Relationships must not be about “me,” but “us.”

Those that thrive put into consideration their partners’ feelings, likes and dislikes.

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