What you need to know:
- Whether your relationship will continue or not, after forgiveness, there is need to lay down how the two of you will associate in future.
- If the two of you decide to give your relationship another chance, clear boundaries should be set in regard to faithfulness, respect, and honesty.
I've been dating my girlfriend for three years. Our relationship was smooth-sailing owing to the immense trust and commitment between us. I work in Bungoma, while she lives in Nairobi. We both believed that our relationship would lead to marriage. In 2019, however, she started behaving strangely, including picking fights — we would fight about every minor thing.
The constant fights killed our intimacy, and no matter how much I tried, I just could not take things back to the normal we knew. For close to a month, we had very poor communication, and I knew she was intentionally frustrating it.
After a while, she contacted me and told me that she was pregnant. Due to the trust we had developed, I accepted responsibility despite the unclear circumstances, yet she was angry at me, sure that I had intentionally made her pregnant.
I offered to help her through the pregnancy, and even asked her to move in with me, only for her to inform me that she wanted an abortion. I am against abortion, therefore, I refused to give her money to get one. Eventually, she reluctantly agreed to carry the pregnancy to term after failing to get money to carry out the abortion.
In January this year, she texted me and told me that she was admitted to hospital, that she fell off the stairs and had a miscarriage. When I asked which hospital she was admitted to so that I could visit her, she said she did not want to see me. Since then, she refuses to talk about the so-called miscarriage. I have tried to forget what happened and move on, but her dishonesty still eats me up.
She wants us to forge ahead with our relationship, but the abortion and withholding information from me denies me peace. I'm worried this will haunt me in future. Kindly advise me.
There are several issues to consider here. First, both of you enjoyed a carefree relationship without seriously taking into account the consequences of your actions, yet from what you write, the pregnancy came as a surprise to both of you.
My feeling is that shutting you off as well as her temper tantrums were a coping mechanism; she was carrying a pregnancy she was not ready for. I also get a feeling that she is not ready to commit to marriage, and her way out of this “trap” was to get an abortion.
You also need to ask yourself what her priorities and long-term plans were at the time. This way, you will be able to place yourself in her shoes and understand why she did what she did, even though it was unjustifiable.
What I also gather from your email is that your communication, if it can be called that, is poor. It’s not fruitful at all, and you never agree on anything, or even agree to disagree. Had your girlfriend given you a hearing, perhaps you would have arrived at a decision that would have prevented the abortion, such as having your parents or her parents take care of the babies until you were both capable of doing it.
That said, bearing in mind that you are against abortion, does your relationship have a future? Well, we are human and we make mistakes. If you and girlfriend still want this relationship, I suggest the following plan of recovery.
Forgive: Though you are disappointed about the loss of your unborn baby and have many unanswered questions that need answers, whether you get back together or not, forgiveness is the only way you will be able to move on with your life.
Determine whether you are meant for each other: Compare your values and priorities. What is your vision of the relationship? If you share a significant number of core beliefs then it could work, but if you don’t, perhaps you should call it quits.
Establish clear boundaries of association. Whether your relationship will continue or not, after forgiveness, there is need to lay down how the two of you will associate in future. If the two of you decide to give your relationship another chance, clear boundaries should be set in regard to faithfulness, respect, and honesty.
I’m in love with my colleague, but she refuses to marry me
Hello Pastor Kitoto.
I am 27 years. I’m in love with a female colleague who has the characteristics I want in a wife. I’ve asked her several times to get married to me, but she keeps pointing out that since we don't go to the same church, we cannot get married. I’ve tried to overcome the love I feel for her for months, but it gets stronger by the day. I cannot avoid her since we work in the same department and I’ve to consult with her in almost half of my roles at work. I love my job, so quitting is not an option. I don't know what to do, I feel like my life has been put on hold. Please advise me.
Have you made an effort to find out what kind of characteristics she is looking for in a husband? She says that you cannot get married because you go to different churches.
For some people, an interfaith relationship may be complicated since it adds an extra layer of diversity to deal with. It is, therefore, important to take her seriously. While some churches may not be fundamentally different from others, finding out what attracts one person to one church and not another can reveal their preferences and prejudices.
You may need to consider the following questions:
What are the core differences between you? Are there clear differences that exist between your religious beliefs and hers? If you embraced her religious beliefs, will it change what you believe in? These questions will help guide your reasoning and help you determine what you can tolerate and compromise on. If you are unable to come to an agreement, the best decision to make is to go separate ways. This is important due to the emotive nature that religion and church play in our lives.
Finding common ground in issues of spirituality will create a deeper bond between the two of you. Spiritual agreement helps define principles that govern faith and practice in marriage.
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