Hello Pastor Kitoto,
My boyfriend and I have been dating for almost four months now. I’m a Third Year university student and a business woman as well. My boyfriend is also in his Third Year, but does not have a job nor does he run a business. I travel a lot for work, a factor that causes acrimony between us because he feels I love my job and studies more than I care for him. I feel that we have different goals in our lives. While I’m focused on the future and would like to get married before I reach 30, he seems to be in no hurry at all. I honestly feel that we should stop wasting each other’s time and end this relationship. Is it wrong to leave him because even though I love him, I'm slowly falling out of love with him?
Life is not just about having a boyfriend, getting married and having a family. It is also about getting an education, getting a job and building one’s career.
Is it time to choose love rather than financial independence? Or would you rather have financial independence and miss out on love? How about having both at a go?
With these questions in mind, your decision regarding whether to give this relationship a chance or walk away will be informed by several factors: First, what is important to you?
I gather that your studies and business come first. This could explain your boyfriend’s conclusion that he is not a priority to you.
While this may be the case, I feel that he should be encouraging you to stay focused on your studies and cheer your business prowess on, rather than judge you.
From where I stand, performing well in school and running a successful business on the side is commendable. Being single and young is the best time to travel and see the world as well as build a career while exploring dating.
That said, if your desire is to refocus and heal your young relationship, then the two of you need a candid discussion on two key factors: First is whether you are meant for each other, second is where your priorities lie. We prioritise what we value.
If your relationship is number one on your list, then you two will make time for it.
The second factor has to do with whether you are ready for marriage, which you mentioned in your email. You did not state your age, but I gather that you are in your twenties.
From your email, my take is that you are not ready to get married and have children.
These two are very serious responsibilities, and even though you might think you are ready for them, your boyfriend certainly isn’t.
In a nutshell, this is what you need to do to move forward: Determine what is important to you now and in future because only then will you know what you need to invest in.
Determine how serious your boyfriend is about your relationship. This is because there are many joyriders who get into relationships just for fun.
Determine whether this relationship is worth saving. A person who truly cares about you won’t hold you back from your dreams. A person that truly loves you will give you freedom to explore your full potential rather than use you for their own gratification.
My boyfriend is 26 and I’m 18. Will this relationship work?
I’m 18 years old, dating a 26-year-old man. I feel he’s old for me, but I love him so much! Should I leave him or is it true that age doesn’t matter in relationships?
I received a similar question some weeks ago. In relationships, it’s important to consider a number of factors to determine whether the relationship is right for you.
There are key questions you need to ask yourself to know whether this relationship is right for you:
Who should I date?
Inasmuch as age is key to the success of a relationship, it’s not the only criterion used to judge whether a relationship is suitable or not. Many are in relationships with much older people and they are happy.
In your case, the challenge in the age factor may be a concern because unlike you, your boyfriend is more worldly than you are, while you are just beginning to get a taste of life beyond the confines of your parents’ home. If he is pressuring you to do things or make decisions you are not ready for, then you need to reconsider this relationship.
When should I start dating?
Your priorities will determine this. Do you want to finish college first and get a job before you think of getting into a romantic relationship, for instance? You also need to be able to handle the cost of being in a relationship.
What are you looking for?
This is important in a relationship. Generally, a good relationship is one that adds value to your life. Also to consider is the character of the other person—a couple may be in the same age group, but be incompatible character-wise, or one may have a toxic character that may impact on the relationship negatively.
Does the older boyfriend affirm and appreciate you?
Also, does your voice count in the relationship? Is your contribution valued? Are you aiming for the same things in life?
How can I be sure this is a suitable relationship for me? For any relationship to work, one has to be mature mentally, psychologically, and emotionally. In your case, you must first mentally settle your concern about the age difference between you and your boyfriend to give your relationship the attention it deserves.
Do your vision, values and beliefs converge?
Beyond the age factor, ask yourself whether your vision, values and beliefs converge, whether he allows you to be yourself and whether the challenges you encounter as well as conflicts are handled humanely with the concerns of each other taking centre stage.
Do you have a relationship question? Email [email protected]