Should I leave my cheating husband, who is threatening suicide?

Hi Philip,

I am 25 years old and have been married to a man seven years my senior for three years now. We have two children, with one of them being from his previous relationship. Our marriage started happily, then the man changed. He started going out with other women. Whenever I confronted him, he would say that he did not know them or that they were his customers. It got to a point where one of his girlfriends insulted me in his presence and he did nothing. I forgave him and he told me that he would change his ways.

Then one day I got an sms from my sister with whom we are staying; he had started going out with her. When I confronted him, he tried to commit suicide. We have not been talking for almost a month now. I am working and I pay all the bills without asking for his assistance — when I ask, he throws a tantrum, saying he does not have money. He always wants to dictate how I spend my money, yet he does not support me when I need him to (he is a casual worker). I want to leave him but I am afraid because every time I talk about separation, he threatens suicide. Please help me because I have made up my mind to get out of this marriage.

Hi,

How could your sister agree to have an affair with your husband? If the man just approached your sister, not that they had an affair, then you need to talk to her and get on the same page. However, for your husband to have the courage to approach your sister, two things could have gone wrong: One, is that he may have had the intention of hurting you. Two, your sister’s actions around him could have made him believe that she was interested, but this may not necessarily mean that your sister showed interest in him. Third, his morals have fallen so low that he desperately needs help. I believe this is why he is having relationships with other women.

My concern is the risk he is exposing you to, particularly if he still demands his conjugal rights. I suggest that you involve a close couple that he respects in talking about the issues you are facing as a couple. It may be also necessary to reduce the tension in the house by speaking the truth to him firmly but with respect and love.

He appears to be a man caught in a web and needs a firm person to help him face issues. I am not surprised that he wanted to commit suicide when you found out about him and your sister.

You should not entertain his having an affair with your sister, even if he threatens to kill himself. But you have to let his parents, brothers, and even your parents know about his threats; you do not want to be held responsible in case he goes through with his threat. If these efforts do not yield results, seek the help of close family members to help you move on. His family has an obligation to help him and this may just be what he needs.

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Dear Kitoto,

For three years, my girlfriend and I had a really good relationship. Then things changed. Last year I decided it was time for us to settle down. We had agreed that we would settle down in marriage after she had completed her college studies, which I was paying for. However, after completing her studies, she asked for more time to get a job, which after a long disagreement, I finally agreed to.

Then, she started behaving funny, like hiding her phone and locking it with a password. Because of this, I changed my mind and told her I could not wait any longer for us to settle down. I told her that if she was not ready, then we should part ways so that I could look for somebody else who was willing to. She accepted this.

After a while, I started dating another girl who is mature, serious, and ready to settle down with me. When my ex got to know about this new relationship, she changed her mind, telling me that she was now ready to settle down. I found out that her mother had advised her not to get married before getting a job. (Her mother has been against our relationship from the beginning because we are from different tribes. She also has a lot of influence over my girlfriend’s decisions). When I asked about this, she and her mother confessed. We are now back in contact and she comes to my place, although I am still in this other relationship. She is still begging for forgiveness and I feel sorry for her.

I want to move on, but I find it difficult to do so because she has refused to let go and I still have feelings for her. But what worries me most is trust. There are things about me she came to learn about, which happened while we were together, and she believes they are true because she got the information from a reliable source. Will this trust issue come to haunt our marriage later if I decide to settle down with her? I also fear that her mother will interfere with our marriage.

At the same time, this new relationship has been doing well for the past three months and I think I am in love. I am confused about whether I should reconcile with my ex and how my new girlfriend will feel if I leave her because she loves me and I have been promising her that everything will be okay between us. She is aware of the whole situation. Please advise.

Hi,

I must commend you for your patience and ability to stand by your girlfriend and help her achieve her dream. The agreement you reached in prioritising her education is commendable. Since I am trying to understand your situation from a distance, I may miss out on some vital issues. However, from your communication, I support your move in seeking a definite answer to when the two of you would settle down. Her choice to move on without you and instead look for a job is something you could not have forced her to change.

At the expense of settling down in marriage with you, she made the choice to follow her mother’s advice. It is clear that her mother has and might continue to have a major influence on her, and that could affect your marriage in the future. Whether you leave your current girlfriend and return to her will depend on whether you are able to clear the issues that made her leave you in the first place.

On the other hand, you seem to have unresolved issues that need to be taken care of. Having feelings for her cannot override the fact that both of you need to deal with these unresolved issues. There are issues you did not want her to know that she now knows. So you need to first be honest with yourself and confront the skeletons in your closet. Whether or not the things she discovered about you are true, there is a need for you, and for anyone in a relationship, to deal with the backlog of issues that may frustrate the smooth sailing of the relationship. If the information she knows is inconsequential, then I do not see why you have to worry.

Three things are, therefore, key to your future relationships: First is whether you left your first girlfriend because of matters of principle and irreconcilable differences. If so, then going back could hurt your future marriage. Second, there is a need for you to have full disclosure concerning your past. Be true to yourself before others are true to you.

You cannot expect to have full disclosure from others while there are issues from your past that you are holding back. Three, the issue of your first girlfriend’s mother will always be a problem unless you are sure that in reconciling, your former girlfriend will ensure that her mother does not interfere with your relationship.

I can see that you really do not love your current girlfriend. She was your love on the rebound. Question the motives that led you into a relationship with her in order to be sure of your feelings.

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Hi Philip,

I am 22 years old and have been in a relationship for one year now with a 29-year-old guy. After four months of dating, I realised that he was married with two children. I confronted him about it and he did not deny it. I stayed in the relationship because he makes me feel as though I was the only woman in his life — spending a lot of time with me and “prophesying” about me bearing him a child (even though I have no plans to have a child before I am stable).

Last month, I asked him for Sh5,000 to help me pay for my shopping, rent, and electricity. He told me that he did not have money. I felt bad because just a few days later, he spent Sh7,000 on himself, and he earns over Sh100,000 a month.

I now want to leave him, not because he is not giving me money, but because he has proved that he cannot provide for my basic needs. The problem is that every time I break up with him, he always comes back saying he is sorry. Even though he can never leave his wife, I love him but I also think I am wasting my time because other than getting intimate, nothing serious is happening between us. His wife has also been calling me, asking whether I am having an affair with her husband, which I have denied.

We are currently not on good terms and he has asked me to return all the money he has spent on me, which I cannot. On my part, I asked him to repay the time I have wasted on him since there is no chance of me becoming his wife. Should I give this man a chance or should I quit the relationship?

Hi,

I think that the writing was on the wall for you months ago when you found out that he was married. From a man’s perspective, I can assure you that this man is just using you. He has already told you that he is not going to leave his wife. In fact, my question would be, are you with this man for his money?

It looks to me like you are the one who is giving him the chance to waste your life. I would suggest that you move one for two basic reasons: to give him a chance to repair his marriage, and to save yourself and his wife further pain. Put yourself in his wife’s shoes; the pain you would experience is exactly what she is experiencing. Do not give him a chance to continue wasting your time and using you.

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Hi Kitoto,

I have been in a relationship for the past two years. Recently, my fiancé stopped communicating. I am now stressed, even after church elders visited me at home to console and advise me. I am beginning to think that the relationship was sabotaged by someone. Please advise.

Hi,
I am sorry for the pain and anguish you are going through as a result of the abandonment. When a partner suddenly breaks a relationship without clear reasons, it leaves the other person feeling lonely, abandoned, and rejected.

To deal with the situation you find yourself in now, you must first accept the fact that the person has left and that he had his reasons for leaving. Second, you must accept the fact that it takes two people to make a relationship work. There is no way you can force him to stay or return to you. Third, you have to deal with your resultant inner feelings of rejection, pain, or abandonment.

If you feel there was sabotage, approach the issue only if you have evidence. It would look odd for you to follow the man if he is unwilling to return. Try not to force things to happen since this would only cause you further pain.

Finally, it will be important for you to evaluate your relationship before the fallout. Were there any unresolved issues? Had he complained of any unresolved matters? Was he unhappy in the relationship? Did you notice any unfamiliar habits?

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Hi Philip,

I am 22 years old, in school, and have dated a football player for five years now. I love him but there are many issues that are stressing me.

We have had many misunderstandings because of petty things like my giving out my number to other men or going out. He feels insecure because he thinks other men will make a move on me and that he will lose me.

I have tried working things out with him but it is difficult because it is as though we are not reasoning on the same level on some issues as I further my education. There is another guy who likes me and treats me right. He is well-educated and my family would be happy if I decided to marry him.

I am confused who to choose, although I think I have settled for the second guy. I want to get your advice on what to consider in a guy because I would like to have a stable relationship, although I do not plan to get married soon.

Hi,
I am of the opinion that you need to make up your mind on two serious issues. First, at 22 years and in school, what is your priority? You need a job and an income to take care of yourself and your family. Second is the need to clear your confusion. I would suggest that you pull out of this “love maze” before you get messed up. Decide what you want before making any serious decisions.