Navigating the marshland of millennial relationships

Afenny Wando is a student at Moi University, Eldoret. PHOTO | COURTESY

What you need to know:

  • Love among millennials is compartmentalised. These compartments are mostly tied to sex, money, fun, experimentation and companionship.
  • Most young people are after instant gratification.
  • Few get into a relationship in the hope of finding a life partner, which is a worrying trend.

Dating is certainly one of life’s most exciting experiences. New couples often derive immense pleasure and fulfillment from being in a relationship.

However, romantic affairs can be dicey. Nuances such as personality clashes, divergent goals and aspirations, mistrust and infidelity can make things quickly turn ugly.

While older generations contended with similar challenges, smart phones and the internet, larger pool from which to choose a partner, unwillingness to commit, future uncertainties and the pressure to build and grow their careers have made millennial relationships something of a potential minefield. Today, it seems as though young people get out of relationships as fast as they get into them.

‘‘Love among millennials is compartmentalised. These compartments are mostly tied to sex, money, fun, experimentation and companionship. Most young people are after instant gratification. Few get into a relationship in the hope of finding a life partner, which is a worrying trend,’’ says Tabitha Mwai, a relationship coach.

Tabitha says that many young people fear the relationship will end in a heartbreak. This makes them approach relationships with trepidation and a ‘‘ready for failure’’ attitude which makes it hard for young partners to commit fully. Some even end up having multiple partners.

So, how do the successful ones avoid the pitfalls? Four youngsters, who are madly in love with their partners, tell us how they are managing it. 

DENIS MBAU, 29, COMMUNICATION CONSULTANT

Dennis Mbau is a communications consultant. PHOTO | COURTESY

I was once very insecure in my relationship. I’d spend a lot of time worrying about who my spouse was with and who she was speaking to. Work trips and nights out with her friends made me frightfully uncomfortable.

As such, I strived to be everything to her. I wanted to be her best friend, her boyfriend and her go-to person too. At the time, I didn’t realise that I was merely a cog in the gear of her life. I learnt that insecurities can make one clingy and unattractive. As a man, you can control the relationship.

Now, I’ve learnt to trust her. However, I am on the lookout for any signs of a breach of trust. Looking back, I realise that my insecurity was as a result of my own inadequacies, including my weight. To change that, I started working out and learning new crafts. You can overcome your insecurities by doing the right thing.

There’s always the feeling that there could be someone better for you. I’ve felt like this so many times. There is a lot of pressure to keep up with those who are seemingly doing better than us. This has often made me feel inferior.

I once took several bank loans just to impress my girlfriend. Yet this did not deter her from leaving me and settling down with another well-to-do man in a different neighbourhood. She left me devastated, but I learnt that if someone can’t care to understand your life’s journey, they don’t deserve you.

Rule 4 in Jordan Peterson’s book Twelve Rules for Life teaches us to compare ourselves with who we were yesterday and not what other people are today.

Whereas my family doesn’t meddle in my personal affairs, my parents forbade me from taking home any women who I don’t plan on marrying. My grandparents have particularly been pushing me into settling down. I understand that my family members have my best interest at heart, but navigating marriage in today’s world calls for maturity, wisdom and lots of grease.

Things are even more difficult for men because so much is expected of them. Uncertainty of the future and other types of anxieties affect your relationship with your partner. We live in a world where one gets a job today, only to lose it the following day. Your spouse may love you today, but there’s no guarantee they’ll feel that way tomorrow. This has made me realise that I have to make informed decisions when looking for a life partner. I need to choose someone who will stick with me for the long haul. I’ve also learnt to be patient.

To manage the uncertainties and stay grounded, I strive to do my best in my career, love life and in relationship with God. I believe that these three elements make you even more attractive to your partner. A man who knows where he is going is able to take charge and recover from any downfall.

MUGURE MWANGI, 25, DIGITAL ANALYST

Mugure Mwangi is a digital analyst. PHOTO | COURTESY

My dating experiences have sometimes been affected by mismatched expectations between me and my partner. At the beginning, it was difficult and even awkward for me to talk about my expectations. I would rush into things, sometimes blinded by lust and infatuation.

I didn’t understand the importance of communication, and this often bred anger and resentment. He and I would waste a lot of time arguing.

Now, I’ve learnt to listen more to my partner. I have since articulated my expectations clearly, and this has made things easier for both of us. Author Jason Lauritsen says that clear expectations result in great relationships.

Limited finances too have been a thorn in some of the relationships I’ve had. I tend to be hot-headed, particularly regarding my financial openness with my partners. I have sometimes held back from sharing my financial status and plans.

Over the years, however, I’ve realised that a relationship can’t thrive where there’s no financial accountability or mutual respect. Budgeting together and sharing financial obligations helps minimise financial disputes.

Total commitment is a huge investment and at the same time a big risk. It takes time and a lot of reassurances to build trust. No one should ever judge you for your choices or those of your partner.

My worst dating experience so far is when I was trapped in a relationship with someone who was so disinterested. He was always bored. Spending time together seemed like a jail sentence for him. There was no spice or surprises in our relationship, and I didn’t know how to make it fun anymore.

One of my friends talked to me about it, but I didn’t pay much attention at the time. Being in a relationship can be tough, especially for individuals with nasty past experiences. I’ve learnt the importance of first working on myself and loving myself before trying to change or love others.

CLEOPHAS OLUOCH, 24, DIGITAL CONTENT PRODUCER

Cleophas Oluoch is a digital content producer. PHOTO | COURTESY

My partner and I have been dating for three years now. We met back in university. We are both believers, and our relationship is anchored on Christian doctrines. Disputes sometimes arise between us, but we embrace our differences because if we don’t disagree, we can’t understand each other better.

My partner and I have cultivated a culture of openness. We, for instance, don’t ever go to sleep without apologising whenever we wrong each other. This has helped us prevent the problems from running out of hand.

That said, the distractions of technology, social media, family and friends and the pressure to grow in our careers and achieve our goals have all significantly affected how we relate as a couple. I’m a digital content producer and I spend most of my time online. While this does bring us closer, the diversity of technology has often created rifts between us since we can’t both be chatting all the time.

My partner takes offense when I’m unable to engage her online due to work commitments. It’s something we’re working on, through communication and constant reassurances.

We both acknowledge the need for family time. With the understanding that friends can make or break us, we’re very deliberate about who we let into our lives, and how much control we allow them.

Is time a challenge in our relationship? Certainly. Our work schedules clash always. I work between 2pm and 9pm, and this limits the amount of time we spend bonding every day. By the time I’m home, she’s usually already in bed. It was particularly tough when we started out. Before Covid-19 forced us to work from home, we virtually had no time to catch up.

There are times when we are unable to meet, mostly because of sudden assignments out of town. It’s disappointing, especially when a lot of planning has gone into setting up the date.

But we compensate by making the most of our time together, by discussing our careers, fears, expectations and fantasises. Although few, such moments help us reflect, challenge each other and strengthen our bond.

My partner is passionate about journalism and I’m her biggest cheerleader, and so is she to me.

There are also times when either of us has to back off to allow the other person to be by themselves. When grieving, for instance. Apart from that, we support each other all the time. On when we will settle down, that hasn’t been decided yet. We are yet to approach our parents formally, but we shall do so on God’s good time.

AFENNY WANDO, STUDENT

Afenny Wando is a student at Moi University, Eldoret. PHOTO | COURTESY

My biggest dating problems so far are anxiety and insecurity. I tend to worry too much about my partner’s intentions, his feelings and whether I can depend on him. Sometimes I fear that he’s with me just so he can recover from his past breakups.

I also keep wondering whether my partner and I are truly compatible.

A stable relationship is meant to make you feel loved, secure and happy. Sometimes I hold onto these feelings and hope that nothing disrupts the relationship.

Sometimes I hold back when my partner wrongs me, fearing that he might get annoyed if I brought it up. But what worries me the most is my doubt of our long-term compatibility. Sometimes I’m not sure if I am as happy as I think I am.

I have a tendency to overthink my partner’s words and actions. It got to a point when I asked myself: am I worrying too much about this relationship instead of enjoying the good times?

On finances, I don’t involve myself in his expenditures or anything to do with his income. I only lend my views when he consults me about an investment idea, for instance.

When it comes to paying bills, rent, shopping and personal expenses such as salon money, I handle it all by myself. Unless I don’t have money at all, I’d never ask for his help. I rarely ask for money from him. He does surprise me sometimes with gifts, and so do I. We’re still not stable financially, but I understand that he is a young man trying to put his life on track. To grow, we need time and each other’s support.

We had planned to have a joint account early in our relationship, but we shelved the idea so that we could study each other’s financial behaviour. This will help us to budget and save with ease in future.

Given the demands of our careers, we’re unable to spend as much time together as we’d want to. My boyfriend and I, however, always create time for each other. He’s my favourite person to hang out with. He’s chirpy and fun too. Whenever we can’t meet in person, we hold long video calls.

The desire for most people is to have someone who shares in their aspirations, hobbies and outlook in life. My perspective is different. I consider it monotonous to want to acquire what you already have. This can be exhausting coming from a life partner, and can limit growth.

I want to take risks and explore different experiences in life so that I can learn more. It is also an opportunity for me to face my fears and find new ways to love my partner. In the long run, I might fall in love with his passions. Life is only fun when you explore it together.