The power of speaking up, speaking out and rising up

Shock. Often, this is how most people react upon learning that someone they know sunk into depression, or worse, took their own lives.

“How did we not notice? Why didn't she say something?”

Many suffer silently yet mental health is an issue of great concern in Kenya. Recently, health Cabinet Secretary Mutahi Kagwe revealed that one in every 10 Kenyans suffer from a mental disorder. He also expressed concerns over the rise in cases of suicide.

“Some are afraid to speak up because of the stigma associated with this issue, some feel like they will be a burden to others if they seek help, and some feel that nobody understands them. However, it is important to speak up,” says Isaac Maweu, a counselling psychologist and the founder of Greatness Assurance Consultancy Limited.

We speak to four individuals who have endured excruciating difficulties that pushed them to the brink of suicide. They share candid stories of their struggles, what they did to cope with the challenges, and the benefits that came with speaking out.

Wandia Kagema-Office admin and humanitarian

I have struggled for long with low self-esteem and inferiority complex that stem from years of battling acne. I was so obsessed with how my face looked and to make it “beautiful” I went for over the counter creams.

I used so many of these beauty creams that the acne became worse, and I became a soft target for bullies. Then I got a chance to travel abroad. When I returned, I instantly became popular in my neighbourhood! Everyone wanted to be associated with me. It made me feel good and it helped erase my insecurities.

I wish my parents had affirmed me and told me that I was beautiful when they saw how troubled I was. I wouldn’t have gone to such extreme lengths just to seek validation. I became a rebel, got several tattoos and tens of piercings.

My final awakening call came after some of my friends were killed because of crime. I came home late that night and received a few slaps from my father, after which he chased me away. I could have gone to one of my friend’s place but I begged my dad to let me stay.

After that, I disassociated myself with the bad company, went for counseling, and became more spiritual. I know that I may not be beautiful and I am okay with that because we are all unique.

Advice: Talk. When you speak out, you realise that some of the thoughts you have been harbouring are not even real.

Bill Ruthi-Writer and photographer

One of my favourite uncles committed suicide when I was eight years old. I once attempted suicide when I was 14. It wasn’t really connected to my uncle’s death, but I remember thinking, I want be with him.

Many years later, I was diagnosed with a mild strain of anxiety disorder. It unspooled after a failed marriage – my wife left with our daughter. There were nights when this tape of my sad life would play out on repeat, highlighting my shortcomings and my inability to keep my family together. I remember thinking, is this all there is to life?

One day in 2017, I sat down and wrote my “will”. My nephew who loves photography would have my camera, my laptop would go to my daughter, and the family album would go to my wife. I had the end figured out – a handful of pills.

It was my eldest sister, who lives in Qatar, who noticed that something was wrong and called. Through her support, I was able to pull through.

What is incongruous is that at the time, I was writing a lot, yet there was this really deep emptiness inside me. I sat and said, okay, I got a few stories I have planned to write, and I want to tell them. Then I got on the road and kept wiping out the fog. I remember listening endlessly to Mike Passenger’s song, Holes.

I did not go for any counselling session but I was determined to get well. I went outdoors. I wrote more. Now, the weight is off my shoulders.

Advice: Seek help from family or people you trust. Above all else, your own will to overcome your situation must be unshakable.

 Stantal Kisimba: Environmentalist and mental health advocate

We were one happy family, and then my parents separated in 2012. Initially, I was shocked. But after some time, I realised that it was actually happening. My parents weren’t going to stay together. That transition from a complete family to a broken one was difficult. There were so many adjustments to make.

I didn’t speak about it because I didn’t think it would make a difference. Before I knew it, stress was bogging me down yet I had just joined the university. I turned to alcohol and drugs and by the time I got to third year, I was behind with my school work and I skipped too many classes.

Help came in an interesting way. My friend and I were having a conversation one day when a duo interrupted us and requested us to join them for a church service. They had come to preach about various life issues, and many students shared their stories.

My heart had been yearning for that environment. I got to share my story too and that became my turning point. I became hopeful and realised that I was not the only one walking around with emotional baggage.

Shortly after that, I started to preach in church and write articles on Sunshine, a Facebook page I created so I could help others come out of their broken shells. Praying about it also helped. I became more committed in my classwork and eventually, I quit drugs.

Advice: Do not keep to yourself or say that you are okay when you are not. Before my healing, I was a very bitter person but after facing my reality and accepting what happened, I become more amiable.

Aggrey Omboki-Journalist

My battle with depression began manifesting as periods of inactivity. I was simply unable to write, yet I am a journalist and writing is my primary source of livelihood. Sometimes I would stare at the computer for hours without typing a single letter, or I would stay indoors with the doors and windows closed and the curtains drawn.

It was such a dark period. I felt like I had nothing to live for. I thought about quitting my job, and twice about taking my own life. The more I entertained these thoughts the deeper I sunk into depression. I kept away from my colleagues and family members. Most people did not know what I was going through and I did talk about it.

“What will people say?” I thought. I was a health journalist. I was expected to be knowledgeable about mental health. I was supposed to know how to take care of myself. In May 2019, I decided to seek help. The human resources officers at my workplace referred me to a counselor and I attended six therapy sessions.

The psychologist and I tried to get to the root of the problem. One of the things we discovered was that there were a set of triggers that caused my depression. I learnt to recognise them, and how to handle them.

With a lot of determination, I managed to get out of my depressive state. I still have my moments, only that I can now respond better to the issues, and even talk about them. If I had remained silent, I am almost sure that I wouldn’t be alive today.

Advice: We all need a shoulder to lean on. Reach out and speak out to somebody. Not everyone will understand your situation, but don’t give up. Help is at hand. You don’t have to lose the battle.

Expert’s Input:  Coping mechanisms for those who find it hard to speak out:

• Journalling, art therapy, music therapy and long  walks can be helpful.
• If you have a weak support system, you can share your experiences with acquaintances. I have even heard of people who talk to strangers and nowadays, some people are finding help on social media platforms.
• Others turn to spirituality. They pray and connect to their maker, which helps to relieve stress.

Why do young people avoid seeking professional help?

• They could be overprotective of their emerging self. They feel insecure and are therefore unable to open up even to their parents.
• They don't like formal procedures. They detest leading questions and being probed, which happens in therapy.
• Stigma: In Africa many people battling mental illnesses are viewed as being weak or bewitched, so young people may shy away from taking any mental health assessment tests and diagnoses. One of my clients stopped coming for sessions after the third one because we found out exactly what had been bothering her for years, and she wasn’t ready to handle it.
• Some feel that they will be a burden to others if they speak out, so they choose to suffer silently.
• Feeling that no one understands them, including the therapists.
• Some have trust issues and are not bold enough to talk about their feelings.

What are some of the triggers of mental illnesses among young people?

• Sexual abuse and molestation. These traumatic incidences linger for long and if not addressed, can cause post-traumatic stress disorder, suicide, depression and self-body harm.
• Family conflicts or a dysfunctional family. Bullying in school, colleges and in the community.
• Being in toxic relationships.
• Drug and substance abuse.
• Stress as a result of psychosocial, economic challenges especially during these uncertain times.

Isaac Maweu, a counselling psychologist and Founder, Greatness Assured Consultancy Limited.