How can I tell if my mistress genuinely loves me?

Dear Pastor,

I want to thank you for the excellent advice you render. I’m 32 years old, married with two sons. I love my wife very much.

I work in the city while she lives in the village. My problem is that whenever I am away from her, I always find myself with another woman. There is a woman I met last year whom I fell in love with, and we have been dating for about six months. She knows about my wife, but she still wants me to marry her. I’m not ready to have a second wife, yet I also love my mistress like I have never loved before.

 My problem is that I feel she may not feel the same way.

She is extremely secretive and sometimes she doesn’t get concerned about my pain. For instance, she will sleep even when she knows I’m not okay. Is this really how love is? I have tried to leave her but I always end up coming back because I miss her so much. How do I know that she means what she says about her love?

And how do I leave her without hurting myself and her also?

Hi,

There are several issues here that we need to deal with. First is the confession that you love your wife, and it looks like there is no problem you can point the finger at in as far as your relationship with her is concerned. My opinion, therefore, is that; you need to revise your definition of love.

(a) Love is defined by sacrifice. You may need to question your level of sacrifice by determining that you do not lack this attribute.

(b) Love is expressed in faithfulness and honest behaviour. What I sense is a man driven by selfish desires and lacking true values that define a healthy marriage.

The second issue that comes out is the lack of mutual trust. I wonder what would happen if the mother of your children who you claim to love to get to know about your private city love life. To flip the coin, I wonder if you would be happy if you discovered that your wife is not trustworthy.

The doubts you have stem from fear and the insecurity which those who get into such relationship may face. Because this woman knows that you are cheating on your wife, there is no way she will trust you completely. She will desire to take advantage of the door you have opened for selfish gain.

Because you are cheating on your wife, there will always be this fear in you that this new lady will cheat on you just like you are doing to your wife. This is what will breed mistrust and possibly toxicity. The truth about affairs is that what is happening in them soon spills over to your wife.

Once an affair has started, the effects become difficult to deal with. An affair will leave behind people who feel distressed and emotionally insecure. The emotional tie becomes a prison even if one person wants to go.

Emotionally, we can end up becoming erratic or feeling distant in our behaviour and actions towards others. The feeling of self-doubt and questioning everything that happen can lead to stress and anger.

As for you, you know that your wife is faithful and that you claim to love her, but there is this other woman you say you love but don’t trust her.

This is starting to make you feel anxious, but you lack the emotional will to separate yourself. Many people in your situation harbour feelings of doubt and guilt, and they desire to liberate yourself from your current inappropriate relationship.

Serious consequences

Infidelity can have serious consequences one’s mental and physical health. As for you, there is tension between leaving and the emotional tie you still have. This could quickly develop into feelings of stress, anxiety and depression; or anger that could lead to physical confrontations due to heightened harmful emotional activity. At times, the temptation is to slide into unhealthy coping mechanisms like keeping away and associating with alcohol.

Affairs have been known to open the door to further promiscuous behaviour and even emotional trauma. Being away from your wife, you have to deal with your vulnerabilities arising from loneliness and maybe a level of depression that could be associated with working away from home. Exposure to other intimate sex partners complicates the sexual health of your relationship. Comparison and fear will slowly settle in and create further doubts.

You have not shown remorse

Finally, you have to come to the realisation that most married men use the affair as a medium to fulfil their desires and wishes. Unless you deal with this, breaking away will be a challenge emotionally. A betrayal of the marital vow by one party should never be taken lightly.

I really do not see this perspective from you. It appears you are happy with the affair as long as she acts in a particular way that you want. Breaking away must also be the result of a conviction of what this affair could do to your marriage and family.

If you continue the relationship, it will continue to complicate your life and could easily destroy your family.

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I lied to her. Should I let her go?

Hi Kitoto,

I’m 27, and in love with a woman I lied to. I thought it was going to be just a fling, but she was serious about me. She has been pursuing the relationship relentlessly. This makes me confused. Should I let her go? Letting go would be tough for me.

Hi,

It would help to know what you lied about. Trust is the foundation of a good relationship, so you have already started on the wrong foot. Lies always come back to haunt relationships. They also reveal a lack of respect and can damage a relationship irreparably. Lying is also an act of selfishness.

Two paths ahead of you

The two paths ahead of you are: First, the need to heal your relationship and move to build it of honest practices. Second, the need to part and seek to develop values that help create a great relationship. Your issue is how to let her go and move forward.

If she is the one who is persistent about the relationship, then it may be difficult for both of you to build a healthy relationship. However, if you genuinely love her, then you need not be confused unless there is something else you are not telling us. Also, if you genuinely love her, and it is hard to let her go, then determine what draws her to you.

Find root cause

I suggest that you revise the issue you talked about lying to her, determine the motive and deal with it before you work on re-establishing the relationship. When you know what draws the two of you together, both of you must be willing to build the relationship. If you want her and she does not, then it will be a futile effort.

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