Strange obsession

Aggressive pursuit of one’s desires can deliver success in a woman’s career and business, but when applied to love, the same trait could land her in court

What you need to know:

  • There’s a difference between letting a man know how you feel… and stalking him. Four men describe their experiences with women who just won’t quit. By

Aggressive pursuit of one’s desires can deliver success in a woman’s career and business, but when applied to love, the same trait could land her in court – for stalking.

That is exactly what happened to a 50-year-old businesswoman who was put on her defense in a Nyahururu court last week for stalking a 36-year-old man.

She stands accused of offensive conduct after bombarding him with love messages, waiting for hours by the roadside and then stopping him, demanding that he listens to her incessant pleas.

In her defense, she said she did not know what she was doing was wrong, that she loved the man and did not want to harm him but only wanted a chance to love him wholeheartedly.

As she waits for the judge’s ruling next month, it begs the question: when it comes to pursuing a man, how far is too far? Ken, Simon, Robert and Mungai* opened up to the Saturday Magazine about being stalked by women whose attention they initially enjoyed.

They all admit that a little female attention every day keeps their egos well boosted. However, what began as exciting incidents left the men feeling harassed when the women became overly aggressive in their pursuit. They agree that when a woman goes overboard, it turns harmless and pleasurable pursuit into harassment.

Emotionally unstable?

36-year-old Ken admits that initially, it was heart-warming to see Facebook comments and messages from his stalker. Then it became uncomfortable. “It got tedious and even scary when I started feeling like she was going out of her way to get me,” he says. “When a woman does bizarre things like following all your affairs on Facebook to know all about you, she is invading your privacy, and you worry about your personal safety,” Ken explains.

Robert and Simon have had to switch off their phones and hide their chat statuses online to try to keep their stalkers off their backs. Robert is particularly infuriated by the barrage of texts he gets from a childhood acquaintance turned stalker whom he gave his number in good faith.

She checks his updates on social media and shows up where he is, calls him up to four times a day and sends him “dangerous” messages that could jeopardise his current relationship.

She also shows up around his workplace claiming she was in the vicinity, trying to see him.

“Every time I see another message from her I feel nauseated. Her behaviour portrays her as emotionally unstable. I think she is the kind of woman who would burn your house or smash your car if you dumped her. She probably has delusions that she is dating me, and that kind of woman scares men off,” he says.

“If I want a woman, I look for her. But when a woman throws herself at me it worries me because I imagine she has an infection she wants to spread. And unless she is a prostitute, an aggressive woman is an assault to my manhood. Why push yourself on me as if I am dumb?” Robert poses.

The men also get irritated when the offending woman shows up at their favourite clubs or social events without invitation. The women check the men’s social media updates and follow them to the places where they mentioned they would be. Mungai, a 35-year-old communications consultant, was shocked when his stalker showed up drunk at an invite-only wedding he was attending.

Apart from the incessant calls and messages in the wee of the night, the beautiful career woman he had met at a supermarket had made it her business to follow him around to declare her love for him.

“I don’t know how she found out about the wedding, but she came and caused a scene. I did not want her to disrupt the wedding, so when she told the guards she was with me, I obliged and took responsibility for her.
“She was attractive, had a good job, and I thought she would be a good woman to know. But instead she gave me three months of hell,” he recalls.

In Ken’s case his stalker would send a message inviting him for a drink and when he did not respond, she would show up at his favourite club and act surprised to find him there. “She once found me with my girlfriend, left, came back very drunk and caused a scene. At that point I worried that she may become violent,” he says.

Workplace torture

Ken’s stalker went as far as going to his workplace and pretended to bump into him there. Worse still, Ken suspected that she was behind the random messages his girlfriend was getting from strange numbers. Robert, too, has had an incident where his stalker showed up at his favourite pub without invitation.

“She was not a patron of the pub and I had not told her where I drink. So I was shocked to find her sitting in my favourite chair. I told her my girlfriend was joining me, but she refused to leave and assaulted me with unwanted caresses. She only left when my girlfriend came in,” he says.

The men all say that the stalkers are relentless; they may take a break when their minds are consumed with other things like work, but they come back with a vengeance. When he was being stalked Mungai says she would disappear the whole day then resurface with intense messages and calls in the evenings and at weekends.

The men still enjoy female attention but only in moderation. Ken offers that ‘too far’ is when women misinterpret a man’s friendliness and go all out to turn a harmless acquaintance into a romantic prospect against his wishes.

“Some women just do not realise they are harassing you because they misread the signals,” he says. However, Ken explains that women who know to pace themselves and to slow down when the man slows down are not likely to find themselves in such situations.

Aggression is not romantic

And there is always the impact on current relationships. Simon says it takes a toll on his relationship. “When I’m disturbed about the endless messages, it upsets my girlfriend, too. She offered to call my stalker to tell her off but I told her not to because if she did the stalker would just taunt me about being weak because I have to get my girlfriend to fight my battles for me.”

Robert hasn’t told his girlfriend. “I worry that she will think I led the woman on. I have to delete messages as soon as the stalker sends them, and I worry that a message may come in when my girlfriend has my phone. When a woman sends you a message like: ‘I’m thinking of you my love’, early in the morning, it can cause problems because your girlfriend may not understand if you explain it’s from a stalker.”

While Mungai still encourages women to be aggressive in their careers, he believes that when it comes to romance, women should stick to dropping signals which, if the man is interested, he will pick up and respond to. If a stalker keeps sending gifts and bombarding a man with calls long after he stops responding it becomes overbearing.

“If there is nothing wrong with her, why does she have to follow me obsessively? Be seductive in a calculated but subtle way and if he is interested he will see the signs and follow up,” he advises.

James Mbugua, a counseling psychologist and dean of students at African Nazarene University, concurs that the Kenyan man is still conservative and feels uneasy if a woman becomes the aggressive hunter in the game of romance.

However, he adds that if she is compulsive and focuses on nothing else but chasing the man, it is likely that the woman could be suffering from a personality disorder. It could also be an indicator of a psychological void she is trying to fill, and thinks that being in a relationship with the man she is pursuing will fulfill those needs.

*Names have been changed.

Go to nation.co.ke to hear a lawyer describe the legal consequences of stalking, and what actions the victim can take against the perpetrator.