Doctor Kanyari, the marketing genius

I know I should have a problem with Bishop Dr Victor Kanyari, but it’s hard to.

The man is a marketing genius. I’m not too sure why he went for the Sh310 mass market; he should have ventured uptown with his bag of tricks.

I can tell you now that if he made my feet “bleed”, I would have handed him over the keys to my house!

For those not privy to this pastor’s shenanigans, he would rub potassium permanganate on his hands and wash your feet. He would pray as he did so. When the potassium permanganate comes into contact with water, it turns into an intensely pink or purple solution.

He had parishioners sobbing their eyes out believing they had witnessed a miracle! Now thanks to him, every fake pastor in town will probably enlist the services of a chemist.

I hated Chemistry in school but after watching Breaking Bad (Chemistry teacher turned Meth dealer extraordinaire) and Kanyari make a fool of everyone, I’m thinking it’s a pretty cool class to take. Not necessarily to live a life of crime, but to see it coming and avoid getting conned.  

FEW GENIUSES

Marketing geniuses are few. There was a time when radio was a cultural asset free of advertisements.

A guy called John Brinkley changed that. Lily Langtry invented Celebrity Endorsement. André-Gustave Citroën invented the Electric Billboard (He rented the Eiffel tower and had the Citroën brand name emblazoned with lights).

George Wilkes was the first to understand the concept that sex sells and put scantily clad girls alongside advertisements.

Mary Kay Ash invented network advertising, enlisting housewives to sell make-up. She encouraged the housewives to build and manage their own sales force.

Then there is viral marketing – word of mouth. This is credited to Conrad Gessner, who way before the Internet, spoke highly of the beauty of the tulip. So rousing were his words and so eloquently did he put it that it was passed on and on, leading to a tulip craze in Europe.

All these geniuses did great work. But none of them can hold a candle to Kanyari.

This guy has an army of followers willing to fight for him. He has a congregation that will allow him to run his hands all over a woman’s breasts in church.

Which guy gets to feel you up in front of a crowd and then takes all your money? The other marketers I mentioned had a commodity that you will go home with.

WHAT DOES KANYARI SELL?

But what does Kanyari sell? Some say hope. When someone says you are cured of Aids or cancer, do you take their word for it? In Kanyari’s world, yes.

If you go to the hospital, he will say you did not get cured because you did not have faith.

Kanyari was given a gift by the same Maker he mocks with his actions. He is very talented. I would love to see him apply himself in the selling of legitimate goods and services, or perhaps theatre could use a chap like him.

I know a pastor (we share a name, fill in the blanks) who wrote me a scathing letter because I called him out on this column. Forget Kanyari and his Sh7 million truck, this guy works out in a gym in a five-star hotel, holidays every Christmas at the Serena Beach hotel with his family, drives a Range Rover Sport and lives in a mansion.

His congregation pays for this lifestyle. His letter to me was not very Christian. He used insults you would be hard pressed to find in any bible. Before you throw stones at Kanyari, take a long look at your own pastor.