MAINA: Why is it so difficult to make friends in adulthood?

It used to be so easy to make friends.

PHOTO | FILE

What you need to know:

  • They are people who we sort of know about, hang out with once in a while but that's just about it.
  • We do not have a strong bond with them, we do not share any intimate details about our lives with them and chances are they have never seen us without filters or make up.

One of the many things I miss about my childhood was how easy it was to make friends. A few minutes at the playground was all one needed to strike a rapport with a fellow child and that friendship would be nurtured steadily through shared snacks, more play time and let’s not forget those tiny discreet notes passed in class.

I remember crying my young heart out when one of my kindergarten friends relocated to the United Kingdom. Two days later I had made two more friends, piece of cake!

Flash-forward to adulthood, it has often been difficult to really tell where I am at with several people who cross my path. Often the people I thought are friends turn out not to share the same sentiments. And that stings.

Then the people I assume wouldn't give me the time of day turn out to be those people Bruno Mars sang about, the ones who would catch a grenade for me. It is all very confusing.

I was telling a friend the other day over coffee that maybe social media is partly to blame for the uncertainty when it comes to friendship. You see, social media gives us the illusion of many friends but where the rubber meets the road, these friends are actually just acquaintances.

They are people who we sort of know about, hang out with once in a while but that's just about it. We do not have a strong bond with them, we do not share any intimate details about our lives with them and chances are they have never seen us without filters or make up.

There is nothing wrong with having many acquaintances. My Facebook friend list is almost hitting 3k "friends" of which if you remove family, I have only met like 100 people from that list.

NOTHING WRONG WITH THAT

Nothing wrong with that, if you ask me. The problem begins when we start mistaking acquaintances for friends.

Often, we expect too much from the people in our lives because we assume they are our friends and are obliged to help us out in times of need. Other times we pour out our hearts to people with whom we haven't taken time to build trust and nurture friendship.

We burden random strangers with our emotional luggage and when they do not seem receptive, our feelings get hurt. As a result, we may harbour grudges that make us ticking bombs with pent up anger and bitterness.

Have you heard of people complaining how they were deserted by their friends when they needed them the most?  I have come across people who swear that there's nothing like real friendship.

They believe everyone should “pambana na hali yake” because so-called friends are just backstabbers.  Well, I beg to differ. Real friendships exist, they are a product of invested time, deliberate communication and gradually built trust.

I feel that we should, for starters, make a distinction between our acquaintances and our friends based on our level of involvement with them, strength of the bond we share and how well we know them.

Before expecting them to help us out or share intimate information with them how about we pause and evaluate whether they are truly our friends, or just people we happen to know? Have you ever been taken aback by a random hug or someone called you by a certain name that left you muttering, “I don’t know you like that?” Now that is obviously an acquaintance.

And by the way, acquaintances have the potential to become friends, you just need to give the relationship some time to get there. So how do you identify and gain a real friend? You can start by being one.