MAN IN THE HOOD: A date with Mama Jayden

I found myself staring at Mama Jayden as she munched on the nyama choma pieces with care.

She had the focus of a cytologist studying cellular anomalies keenly via a microscope in an effort to see every minor detail.

Her canines and incisors sliced every string of flesh from the bones. Not even an ounce of protein was spared.

Her tongue and her lips moved in coordination like belly dancers carefully sashaying through a sweet melody.

My God, she was beautiful. She had the allure of renowned French siren Marquise de Pompadour and the magnetism of a GQ magazine cover girl. Physically, she was like a blend between Bernice Burgos and Rihanna.

Oh wait!.......and Brenda Wairimu. How can I forget my crush Brenda Wairimu?

Or maybe I just see Brenda Wairimu everywhere. I should stop being obsessed with her, now that I have Mama Jayden.

WARM HUGS

Just in case you are wondering who Mama Jayden is, you can quickly read my previous story ‘Neighbour’s child could be a matchmaker’ before jumping right back into this one.

During our brief conversations at her house, we had discovered that there were a couple of key things we had in common. We both liked nyama choma and we were both Chelsea fans. Coincidences don’t come better than that.

So, this past Sunday, we went to a popular choma joint in the hood to watch a Chelsea game and consume roasted meat together.

Whenever a goal was scored, we would scream and hug each other. Those warm hugs still linger in my mind. She knew even the opposing team’s players by name. I couldn’t believe my luck. She was clearly a heaven-sent soulmate.

I finally felt like the stars were getting aligned in my favor. Mama Jayden had all the qualities of a good woman. She was sweet and kind. Maybe she was too nice to her precocious and wild son but she was a good person in general. I figured that if everything went well, we’d finally settle down together. Then Aunty Agnes and others would stop asking “Utaoa lini?”

Even more impressive was Mama Jayden’s profession. She is a doctor. My mum has always wished for one of her sons to marry a doctor or a nurse. I understand her. She wants someone to talk about Tramadol and Acetaminophen with since all of us, her children, refused (or were too dumb) to pursue Medicine.

It was now my duty to make sure both my dreams and my mum’s dreams come true.

SHE LIKES ME

I have read enough dating books and articles to not mess anything up during a date. Everything went well. Mama Jayden and I had a really great time and when the it was finally over, she said the words that cause the heart of every man to leap with joy,

“Thanks for the good time.Do you have any plans after leaving here? Ama we can go back to my place and chill?”

It was clear that she really liked me and I had no idea what I had done to deserve her. I was all too glad nevertheless.

“Jayden isn’t around?” I asked.

“No, I dropped him at my friend’s place. She lives on fourth floor and her son is having a birthday party. I’ll go pick him at 9 pm.”

Perfect! Wonderful! Fantabulous!

At her place we talked, laughed, giggled and did everything that new lovers do. When we were out of stories, we knew there was just one thing left for us to do – kiss.

We were both mature people so we knew what time it was. It was ‘Consummation o’clock’. We looked at each other deep in the eyes and moved our heads closer. It was time….it was finally time.

Just as the kiss was about to happen, someone very little opened the door and burst through the curtains like Eliud Kipchoge on the finish line. It was Jayden.

 Aaargh!

“Mummy mummy….nataka kuwatch TV!” he shouted.

“Why have you left the bash? I was to come pick you at 9?”the mum inquired angrily.

“Hawana hata food poa. Nimeboeka!” Jayden responded with impunity.

What?

He didn’t even wait to see if his mum approved of his urgent desire to watch TV.

With much entitlement, he grabbed the remote, dumped himself on the couch next to us and started watching cartoons. Just like that, a beautiful moment was ruined.

REFUSED TO GO BACK TO THE PARTY

The mum tried to persuade him to go back to the party but he refused. I even tried to bribe him with money for chocolate so he could go out and buy it but alikaa ngumu. He wanted to watch cartoons and no one was going to tell him otherwise.

Eventually, I had no choice but to leave. I figured we could try again on Monday before Jayden came back from school.

On Monday, I texted Mama Jayden!

 “Are you free this afternoon? You can come over. Or I can come over so that maybe…we finish what we started yesterday.”

“Hey Phil. I am sorry but we can’t do this anymore!”

“What do you mean?”

“Baba Jayden, my baby daddy, has apologised for hurting me and he wants us to get back together. I really love him and think I am willing to give him a chance.”

And here I was, thinking I was going to be the next Baba Jayden. I have never been so heartbroken in my life. I cried. I cried tears that were capable of supplying the whole of Eastlands with water.

I am kidding. Me? Crying? Never! I am as tough as…….okay I’ll admit it. Maybe water welled up in my eyes a little bit but no tear rolled down the cheeks.  

But why? Why did things have to happen this way?

I am now re-reading the book Life Is Not Fair and Everything Else They Forgot To Teach In School by Bill Bernard.

Maybe the real Baba Jayden read my previous story and decided there was no way he was going to let this bloody writer win the heart of the mother of his child.  So, he came back from wherever he was hiding and claimed his Mama Jayden.

Too bad!

Maybe instead of sitting here feeling sad, I should stand up and fight for Mama Jayden’s affection.

Many noblemen in history have fought to be with the women they desire. King Edward VIII of Britain chose love over kingship when he abdicated the throne to be with his American sweetheart. This was after the church and public opposed the relationship severely. There was Paris too. He was the prince of Troy who didn’t mind causing a decade long war because he had to be with Helen, the daughter Zeus and Queen Leda.

I won’t be in bad company after all.

Should I fight for Mama Jayden or should I not?

Again, we will see!

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