My art is not worth my sanity

''Your art is not worth your sanity." Zosha Millman

The online discussions on mental health that have been happening of late have led me to examine my own mental health as an actress.

I can’t help but wonder how many people would have been saved had we realised the harsh reality of mental illness earlier.

The stakes are much higher for those in the entertainment space who are constantly seen as pawns meant to maintain as an image of perfection at all times.

One chink in their armour and we start to bash and drag them without looking at the backstory.

I remember my first audition. I had been home three weeks bumming after the KCSE exams with not much to keep me busy. My friend had managed to get her first audition after staying at home for just one week.

CLUELESS

From her account, the best place to get started was at Kenya National Theatre (KNT). I went to KNT, and to my surprise, there were three auditions running concurrently. I randomly picked one and entered the hall with no idea of what the audition was about.

Imagine having to face 20 people, mostly rowdy men, who cheered and laughed at you as they ‘auditioned’ you. They asked us to sing for them, make them laugh or cry. It was so intimidating that most of us could barely utter our names in introduction.

Until that moment, the only acting experience I had until was high school drama. Therefore, I performed what I could remember from high school (I was playing someone’s dad in the school play, in an all-girls school).

FIRST ACT

After putting up my act, everyone fell silent. I left, everyone went quiet. I left, embarrassed. Plot twist, I got the lead in my first ever play, An Enemy of the People, where I played Mrs Stockmann.

We did a good run with that travelling theatre group. However, it soon came to an end and we returned to Nairobi. I was back to square one.

I had to transition from being the crème de la crème of a theatre group to queueing for hours just to get an audition. The people in those audition halls had no idea who I was and hardly cared to find out either.

After going for my fair share of auditions (or so I thought), I took a break from acting. I would do church and school skits but would not try my luck outside. The reason? I was tired of the rejection.

It made me feel inadequate and question whether I was meant to act. Looking back, I wish I had not quit so easily, but my self-esteem had taken enough bashing.

REJECTION

All actors know that you are only as good as your last show. What this does is keep you on a ladder where you are constantly trying to get to a higher rung.

On the outside, it looks like a set up for great motivation but what it does is keep you in a state of constant worry and panic.

Just like any other job, acting can get really competitive. Depending on the level of production you are participating in, you will do whatever it takes to get a role. Whether that means losing or adding weight, going bald, learning accents, mastering an instrument or learning a dance routine, there is no limit to what actors will do to maximize their chances at success.

The cutthroat competition in the theatre industry is on a whole new level. Now imagine going to such great lengths to get a role only for you to be rejected with no safety landing.

DEEP END

If you do get that role, you may have to work even harder to truly get into character. Sometimes the results of this effort are completely disastrous.

Heath Ledger, who is critically acclaimed for being one of the best jokers in the Batman franchise, once locked himself in a hotel room to get into character.

“I sat around in a hotel room in London for about a month, locked myself away, formed a little diary and experimented with voices – it was important to try to find a somewhat iconic voice and laugh. I ended up landing more in the realm of a psychopath – someone with very little to no conscience towards his acts. He’s just an absolute sociopath, a cold-blooded, mass-murdering clown,” the actor said this in a 2007 interview withEmpire magazine. The following year, he died from an accidental overdose of a combination of prescription drugs.

DEPRESSION
Some actors end up landing the iconic role of a lifetime which at first is a blessing that quickly turns into a curse.

Take the case of Henry Cele, the actor famously known for his role as Shaka Zulu. According to Buzz South Africa, Henry’s sister Ruth reportedly told the press that “he was depressed because he was broke, and that it seemed South Africa had forgotten about him in his time of need.”

Closer home, it is no secret that actors are struggle with addictions such are alcoholism with most of them admitting that it is a coping mechanism to deal with acute stress.

Popular actor James Chanji, aka Mshamba, was once quoted saying “alcoholism is one of the thing that brings down careers in theatre. I have seen brilliant acting careers go down the drain when artists turn to alcohol. Alcohol has never solved any problem, if anything, it makes things worse. When the money is not coming as expected, and they are unable to live up to the public’s expectations, they turn to alcohol for solace.”

As if the anxiety of not knowing where your next gig will come from and your damaged self-esteem and depression is not bad enough, there is the added burden of knowing that you are constantly being watched and judged.

In one of his publications, Dr John Moore says, “Part of being in the entertainment world means being super mindful of your public image. This means being extra careful about what pictures you take, where you go and who you are seen with. Even local actors who aspire to one day make it big are careful about this. How they are portrayed today has a big impact on the work they might receive tomorrow.”

Having been privy to casting conversations and seeing actor’s profiles on social media being scrutinized for certain roles I can attest to what Dr Moore says.

DE-ROLING

De-roling can be explained as the process by which actors take off their roles after rehearsals and come back to themselves once they are done performing.

Examples of de-roling techniques include shaking limbs and body to literally shake the character off, or ritualistically stepping out of a performance by handing back a character's specific prop or costume piece to a director.

I once played the role of a girl who was abused by her father. She decides to kill him and paint using his blood. (Creepy, right?) Performing that piece scarred me in ways I can’t express and perhaps de-roling would have helped me heal had I known about it.

With all these odds stacked against this vibrant community of actors, is there a light at the end of the tunnel?

Earlier this year, I produced the play My Better Halves written by Justin Mirichii and staged at Alliance Française, in Nairobi.

The play took a humorous look at the life of Mike, a psychiatrist who is suffering from a split personality disorder that threatens to ruin his already fragile marriage.

He eventually comes clean to his wife and agrees to seek help for the condition, and they begin their journey to reconciliation.

In real life this process is far more complex, but seeing stories highlighting mental health issues is a start in the right direction for dialogue. Therapy, especially in the African context, is still a fairly new concept but it is slowly but surely being accepted.

To be realistic though, it might be a pricey affair for an actor who does not have a steady stream of income. Perhaps support groups could come in handy as outlets for the pressure that we are subjected to.

For some people having a relationship with a higher power might help one to cope with the pressure of rejection.

Knowing that your life has more purpose than just entertaining people and that you are enough as you are can keep one grounded and prepared emotionally for the transition away from the limelight.