6 REASONS TO: Be comfortable with being friend-zoned

When I was 14, I had this staggering crush on a certain young man called Ngatia. PHOTO | COURTESY

What you need to know:

  • My favourite days were when he was the one running the shop.
  • On those days, I would make several trips to "buy" a fruit.
  • I would eat more than five different types of fruits.

When I was 14, I had this staggering crush on a certain young man called Ngatia.

He had the whitest teeth I have ever seen plus a dimple on each cheek. His mother had just rented the stall next to my father's butchery and my heart couldn't keep calm. I was a permanent fixture in the butchery over the weekends and school holidays, hoping to catch a glimpse of Ngatia.

My favourite days were when he was the one running the shop. On those days, I would make several trips to "buy" a fruit.  I would eat more than five different types of fruits and when he teased, " Heeh! Si ununue tu fruit salad!" I blushed deeply and thought to myself: “So you think I will trade five chances to see you with one measly salad. Funny!”

One day my cousin Marion, who is older than me, came to our butchery.  As we were chatting, I saw him saunter towards us. He was coming to our butchery! My tongue ran dry and my knees felt wobbly. Oh! Finally, he was here to declare his love for me. My silly teenage heart went berserk, doing all manner of flip flops in my belly.

FRUIT LOVER

" Hey, I haven't seen you around, I am Ngatia," he said his voice a cool refreshing breeze. It is not until my cousin shook his hand that it hit me. Dude was here for the older Marion. He turned to me and smiled as he ruffled my hair.  Like I was a toddler.

Or a pet he was fond of. Yes, that's what Ngatia did to me. Then he quickly reverted his eyes to my cousin and started entertaining her with silly stories about how much I love fruits. It was a horrendous experience.  They actually dated later on.

I remember him hugging me and saying, "Awww sweetie, we may actually become family! I can let you eat all the fruits you want for free. How cool is that? "he gushed. " So cool," I muttered.

Even then, at only 14 and very naive, being friend-zoned like that stung like hell. I was made the ice-breaker of their awkward moments outside the butchery.

However, after sometime I begun to enjoy the little bribes and treats from Ngatia in exchange for information about my cousin. At the sight of chocolate, I would sing everything I knew about her from her favourite colour to food to music genre blah blah. As their love flourished so did my friendship with Ngatia grow. Mercifully, I outgrew the crush.

What I did not count on was that scenario playing itself out several times way into my adulthood.  Although I have friend-zoned a fair share of hopeful admirers, I have also been slapped with several friend-zones.

Of course it feels great when I am the one breaking it down gently that " I just want to be friends” but when tables turn? It is akin to swallowing a whole hot potato!

One time, this wonderful creation of God who stood in front of me in all his dark skin splendour and said to me that I was such a cherished friend, always would be. I could hear none of it and before I could close my mouth, it spluttered, "Why won't you love me romantically?". He was quite confused.

My father used to tell me: "You cannot marry everybody. Some of these fine men are destined to be just friends. " If he had read Paulo Coelho’s Alchemist he would probably have added," ...It is predestined. It is all written by the hand." And these words have never rung truer.

Today, I am more appreciative of this comfort area dubbed friend-zone.  In fact, I believe that it is not as nasty as people make it sound and you should not be sulking if she replied to your " hi beautiful" with an " Aww...you are such a sweet FRIEND."  So why should you embrace the friend zone?

It is an opportunity to nurture and enjoy a deep fulfilling friendship.  The name of that zone tells it all. He or she may not want to be romantically involved with you but they do not want you out of their life either.

They value your presence in their lives and more so your friendship. You are not some random acquaintance to them so go ahead and receive that blessing of friendship, nurture it and enjoy its fruits. After all isn't the world a better place with friends?

 

It is a clear indication of honesty in the relationship. I don't know about you but for me, nothing sucks like being led on. Thanks to my inquisitive nature, I have never been led on in all my previous attempts at dating. Have you met these girls who ask you to DTR (Define the relationship) on the second date?

Those girls are from my clan. I am actually in the friend-zone with many brothers because of this very thing; coming on too strong. Or maybe it is because of calling them brothers, like I just did.

Ha! When someone refuses to lead you on and baptises you friend, it's a good thing to note that they were honest with you.

 

Saves you from wasting your time and chance to find love elsewhere. Sometime last year I got a call from this friend of mine and he wanted some tips on healthy eating and workout.

I had always known him to be thin so I innocently and playfully asked, " Haiya you added weight?" I shouldn't have asked. In addition to other things that are quite irrelevant to you dear reader, he let me know that his new girlfriend was hoping to shed some weight. Yes, he went on to add, he now had a girlfriend even after I refused him.

I was choking from holding back the laughter because his sense of humour is questionable and he sure wasn't going to laugh along with me. I sent the tips very quickly and moved on with my life. I am glad he found love...he is a nice guy, stiffness aside.

 

Strengthens mutual respect and builds trust. Once you overcome that phase of rejection and asking him --" why won't you love me romantically!" -- after that stage, you may actually get to appreciate how much respect he or she had for you, to let you know that she didn't love you in that particular way.

By the time you are getting the friend-zone slot, it is most likely because the lines were beginning to get blurry yet one of you was not ready for a dating relationship.

Chances are you had shared a lot and had plenty of great moments together. Go ahead and swallow that hot whole potato and let the friendship flourish with that fantastic head start of trust and respect.

 

Great way to stay in touch with reality. I recently came across the phenomenal Mona Ombogo on Facebook and her page gave me a whole new lease of life; so much wisdom.

The other day she was talking about how women we have a tendency of creating relationships in our head. We go out on one date but by date three we are already picturing that picket fenced home and making him pancakes.

How could I argue with Mona when I have tuxedoed every guy I have had a simple coffee date with within the first five minutes of settling in my seat?

Then he turns out to be an insurance sales person? Reality check!  Not everyone is potential Mr Right... sometimes it is just coffee, and maybe a policy sale.

 

It provides a wonderful and solid foundation for something more in future. Just so we are on the same page, please do not settle into the friend-zone with hopes of winning him or her over.

That is lying to yourself and cheating on the friend-zone concept. Don't go carrying any false hopes my friends because they will be shot down in the most heart retching manner and I won't be there to help pick the pieces.

That said, should the odds change...you know how we go looking far and wide yet all along it was this brother right under your nose? This brother you used to give updates on how bad your blind-date turned out?

If that happens, that relationship will have been based on friendship. There are three couples in my life that have shared 34years45years and 52years respectively of a happy marriage. They all tell me that they married their friends. Do numbers lie? I don't think so.