Should I become a secret wife, a second wife or get my own man?

Sunday August 20 2017

A depressed woman sitting against wall on floor looking out window. PHOTO | COURTESY

A depressed woman sitting against wall on floor looking out window. PHOTO | COURTESY 

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Hi Mr Kitoto,

I am in dilemma and hope you can help me get out of it.

I met this man two years ago, and during our third year together, his parents identified a girl for him to marry. He loves me very much and I still love him but I let him go anyway. He suggested that I be his secret wife but I refused. I confirmed this with a friend of  his, who turned out to be deeply in love with me although I don’t love him.

Before I met the second man (whose parents identified a bride for him) I  had been in another relationship but the man got married while we were dating. Now he wants to marry me as a second wife and I love him.

What should I do? Should I become a secret wife, a second wife or force myself to love this single guy? I love the two married men, and especially my first love.



Someone once told me that what we love, we treasure. I believe you have certain reasons for believing that the two married men love you. However, my philosophy is hinged on  two statements: “It takes two to make a relationship happen” and  “Two cannot walk together unless they are agreed.” Understanding this helps you  have your game plan right from the very beginning.

First, if these men truly loved you, why did they leave you, only to return later with an offer to make you their number two? If their love was real, then each of them would have treasured what the two of you had together. The truth is that you were not a priority then, and I doubt that you are a priority now. I suggest that you redefine what marriage and love mean to you.

Second, deal with your self-worth  honestly to avoid getting hurt in future as a result of  your current choices and actions. Be a woman with personal conviction who is rooted in her personal beliefs and values. The fact that one of them wants you to be his secret wife means that he does not want other people to know about yur relationship. I suggest that you make an honest self-evaluation.

Here are two men who left you for other women but now say that they want you back in their lives. It is clear that they both want to use you and I guarantee you that in the end you will regret it if you say yes to either of them.


I’m afraid to commit to this man 

Dear Mr Kitoto, 

Thank you for the good work you are doing, helping many people with sound advice.

I am a fourth-year university student and met a man two weeks ago through a mutual friend. He is a fellow fourth -year student but at a different campus. When we met, I felt that he was the one since we have so many things in common. During our second meeting, I went over to his place and we got intimate.

He is also from a different tribe that my mother and other family members do not like. He wants us to start a relationship but I am afraid of commitment. What should I do?



Don’t think I am being insensitive, but getting intimate with someone you have known for only two weeks is a bit hasty. There is a possibility of getting too attached to him for the wrong reasons and getting badly hurt in the end. You need to approach the issue soberly so that you can make a wise decision regarding the way forward. I can see why you are feeling somewhat mixed up.

The basic pointers are: First, get to know what you want in a relationship. However, there is a lot you need to do to ensure that what you are seeing is genuine and not just a front he’s putting on. Sadly, this is where many start on the wrong footing.


Second, allow what you see to lead you to what you don’t know yet. True disclosure comes with time. Dating couples, therefore, need time to dig deeper into those inner attitudes and motives that drive a person. This requires the relationship to remain founded on the right values on which there is no compromise.

What should you do? First, repeat the two steps above as you ask yourself whether you are ready for a relationship. This is crucial to the future you are trying to build. Is a relationship a priority for you now? If so, then do not fear what your parents will  say. True love knows no boundaries. Just be sure about what you want, that you are ready for a relationship and what it demands, and that you can defend the man because you are sure about what you see in him.


Should I take him back after he dumped me?


 I am 21 years old and I happened to date a 26-year-old married man. He had broken up with his wife so I went to live with him. Two weeks later, he told me that his wife was coming back so I had to leave.  At that point I was jobless and my landlady was threatening to throw me out if I didn’t pay the rent. I asked the man to lend me money to pay my rent  but all he did was give me false hope, until the landlady finally locked me out. I called him and asked whether I could go and put up at his house but he refused.

Now that I have a job and am back to my house, he  has apologised for what he did and says he wants me back. I don’t know what to do, please help.



Any person who wants to use you, dumps you, then comes back saying he wants you back has a major problem. Sister, you are not his sex object or some toy for him to play around with.

First, you allowed him to use your vulnerability to his advantage. But you, too, did the same thing. Here was a man whose wife had abandoned him, and you saw a chance and grabbed it.

I am not sure what the issue  between them was. However, two wrongs don’t make a right. Both of you were at points where you needed to stay away from each other.

The issue  for you here is why he wants to come back now. Should he really? Suppose something else happens? I believe what  you need is the courage to say no!

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