KITOTO: Where does a beautiful, decent girl find a man? - Daily Nation

Where does a beautiful, decent girl find a man?

Sunday June 22 2014

You are where you have reached with your studies and your career because of the discipline you have regarding issues like relationships. Take pride in who you are.

You are where you have reached with your studies and your career because of the discipline you have regarding issues like relationships. Take pride in who you are.  

By PHILIP KITOTO
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Where does a beautiful, decent girl find a man?

Hi Sir,

I am 21-year-old student nurse. I cannot get the right man to start a relationship with. I am about to finish college and want go get married immediately after graduation. Almost all my pals are in stable relationships despite their reckless lifestyles. In contrast, I am beautiful, live a clean life, but have no man to call my own.

I am approached by many men at work and even outside the institution, but all of them are after my body and sex. When I don’t give them what they want, the relationship starts changing and eventually ends.

Do I have to sleep with the men that come my way to have them forever? What could be wrong with me? Please help.

Hi,

There is nothing wrong with you. In fact, let me commend you for your great morals and value-driven life. You are where you have reached with studies and career because of the discipline you have regarding issues like relationships.

You are in a better position because your colleagues might have boyfriends and look stable, but you have no idea exactly what makes their relationships look stable. Could it be just a temporal phenomenon.

When one will say, “Sorry, I cannot sleep with you until we get married,” it might spell doom for that relationship. I don’t think that is what you would want for yourself.

I suggest that you take pride in who you are: beautiful, value-driven, about to finish college and focused in life. What else would a right-thinking man be looking for? Right there, you are the right girl any man ready for marriage would want to have.

Second, Remain focused and refuse to compromise. Compromise will rob you of the very dignity you are striving to protect. You sound like a nice, decent person who should take pride in what she has achieved.

Third, there is more to a relationship than sex. I would be reluctant to recommend to you a relationship in which one partner demands sex before marriage, because the question is, what would happen if, shortly into the marriage, something happens that makes it impossible for one partner to have sex for some time? Would such a person remain faithful to their spouse?

Finally, being married does not make one complete of forever fulfilled, although marriage is a great institution. There are many people who have lived fulfilling lives as singles. In short, do the best you can for now – advance yourself and let the relationship come naturally.

Are there any honest, mature men out there?

Dear Sir,

Thank you for the advice you give people.

My case is different. I am looking for companionship from a man who is single, widowed, divorced or separated. He should be 55 years and above and not looking for children.

I was widowed seven years ago and have been trying to meet a loving, honest, mature man, to no avail. I have decided to use this forum, hoping it will work for me.

I am very lonely since I have grown-up children who no longer live with me with me. I work and live in Nairobi, so that man should also be living in Nairobi.
Adhiambo M.

Hi,

Your desire to re-marry is noble. However, you probably know as well as I do that marriage is a choice a man and woman make to live together based on certain agreed-upon values.

It is, therefore, hard for one person to make such a choice for another. The heart can be deceitful and what we see outwardly might not be the real thing.

I advise that you do your homework thoroughly on the kind of person you want, including the values they hold, and be willing to socialise by involving yourself in varied activities where you can meet people.

Two issues that seem to stand in the way of remarriage are finances and children. Counsellors and researchers on failed second marriages show that the two issues most cited by divorced men and women as the causes of the break-up are money and children.

I suggest that you consider where these two issues fit in your desire to find a companion. It would be foolhardy to ignore them since they play a major part in how the marriage fares.

I’m 18 and she’s 16; will our relationship work?

Hi,

Thank you for being there for people like me. I am 18 years old and waiting to join university. I fell in love with a 16-year-old girl who is now in Form One. She is also in love with me. Do you think this relationship will work? Please help.

Alan

Hi,

Falling in love is not a bad thing. However, two things came to mind as I read your mail. First, your girlfriend is still young and needs to concentrate on her education. Second, you need to complete college and get your career started.

Therefore, a friendship with no strings attached is what you need. This will give each one of you the opportunity to mature and begin a career. This means you must get your priories right. What you feel as love for this girl is part of a normal stage of growing that could change with time.

Meanwhile, I have met people who had known each other from childhood who built a relationship of love and respect and then decided to give each other space to grow who ended up getting married in their late 20s when they had already established their careers.

But I also know cases of other who ended up not marrying other because, somewhere along the way, they realised that they were not meant for each other.

At your age, I would suggest that you: 1) Keep the relationship strictly exploratory 2) Prioritise what you need to do with your life and let her do the same 3) Avoid premarital sex and encourage each other to work towards achieving your respective priorities 4) Avoid putting pressure on each other.

If you do this well, you two could end up happily married in future.

Is it okay to date a woman my age?

Hi Kitoto,

First, let me commend you for the good job you are doing with regard to guiding people on matters relating to real-life issues.

I have been in love with this girl for more than three years. From what I can see, she also loves and trusts me. Recently, I discovered that we are almost the same age since I am older than her by months. I have been thinking seriously about this age difference.

Since she discovered that the issue is bothering me, she occasionally asks whether it will make me leave her, and I have nothing to say. Please advise me so that I can make an appropriate decision on how to carry on with the relationship.

Is there any harm in being in a relationship with a woman of your age? Will she not grow older than me physically?

Erick

Hi,

There is nothing wrong whatsoever with being in a relationship with a woman your age. I have met many couples who are age mates, others where the man is older, and yet others where the woman is older.

Surprisingly, their marriages are strong and exciting. I also know other couples between whom age became an issue and this affected their relationship greatly. My wife always tells me that age is in the mind.

That said, I believe a man or woman can have a great relationship regardless of who is older, so long as they decide not to make an issue of it and refuse to let it become a stumbling block. Where age is becoming an issue, I normally ask the concerned party to determine the reasons why they feel the way they do.

As to whether she will grow older than you physically, I believe if you love her, treat each other well, eat healthy and exercise as much as you can, ageing will be a mutual feeling and experience. There is nothing to worry about. Take time, discuss the issue, and give each other the necessary assurance.

He didn’t tell me he was also dating my workmate

Hi Philip,

I am 27. I’ve been in a relationship with a man for four years. However, he never told me that he was married with two kids, until I found out.

We’ve been breaking up and making up. I broke up with him for good late last month via a text message. It really hurts because I gave my all to him.

I didn’t lose hope, though. I met another man and we fell for each other. What I didn’t know, and which he didn’t tell me, was that he was also dating a workmate of mine. I only learnt about it much later, when I had gone far with him.

I don’t know why I am so unlucky when it comes to relationships. Could it be because I have a five-year-old child? I really love my son and if any man hates me because of him, then I guess I have to be alone. Kindly advise me.

Consolata

Hi,

I really don’t think these men leave you because you have a child. Your problem is two-fold. First, your style of dating has to change. I have a feeling that you are not taking time to know the men you are “falling in love” with.

I guess if you took time to know them and involved some relational intelligence, these issues would have showed up and saved you from the pain you are encountering.

Second, I believe you are not giving yourself enough time to heal between relationships. When this happens, the affected person normally finds himself or herself making mistakes, driven by anxiety to get into the next relationship before they deal with what ailed the previous one.

Your first priority is your son. This is one responsibility you must bear personally. I am glad that you love your son very much. Therefore, any man who wants to love you and leave out your child is not worth your while.

The man I'm engaged to stopped communicating

Hi Kitoto,

I am a regular reader of your column, and I have realised that you give very good advice.

I am 32 years old and got engaged through a friend to a Kenyan man who lives abroad. Before we met, we communicated for a year. Then he came for a brief visit, and we met for two days because he had only a week’s vacation.

After he went back, he would call occasionally and declare how much he loved me. But after about six months, he stopped calling or sending me e-mails. But he would respond if I sent him an e-mail, and his responses were reassuring.

He would tell me to stop worrying because he was all mine and that I was his queen. He even promised to come for me. Then, all of a sudden, he stopped communicating, but since he was working across many countries, he would give me the phone number he would be using wherever he was.

Hi,

There is definitely something happening that he has not told you. From what you have written, I am not sure that there was a true, thriving relationship. Many relationships die because they do not have what it takes to cement true love and care.

Two of the values that characterise growing relationships are: 1) Commitment this where both partners decide to stand by each other no matter what. This guarantees the relationship the longevity and endurance it needs. 2) Trust which involves the ability to cultivate honesty and truthfulness in our dealings with each other.

Trust ensures that the relationship grows in a secure environment in which each partner feels protected. Sadly, many relationships operate amid a lot of untruths and inconsistencies.

People go silent on others for no reason, particularly in relationships where the two parties had what appeared to have a healthy and fruitful coexistence. Get the cue from the trail of information you can gather now.

First, he has refused to respond to your e-mails. Second, he is not calling like he used to. And finally, he is not expressing his feelings towards you anymore.

I suggest that you give it time, heal, and be ready to move on. Don’t wait to discover what might add insult to the injury you are already facing. But then again, it could be that he is extremely busy or unwell.

***

Ways of demonstrating love

Love is what we do for someone else and not what we demand for ourselves. Dr Lawrence Crab, Jr, in his book Men and Women: Enjoying the Difference, names two things that help a husband and wife be great with each other.

First, he says that “marriage is a stage on which real love can be enacted for the world to see.” In relationships, this the kind of love is what enables us to endure wrong with patience, to resist evil with conviction, to enjoy the good things with pleasure as we give richly of ourselves with humility, and nourish another’s soul with longsuffering.

When we embrace this kind of love, it enables us to deal with wisdom with the chaos that occasionally seeks to destabilise relationships. Crabb adds that, when the virtues of love like patience, longsuffering, endurance, and kindness are present, “Not only is the spouse incomparably blessed, but also, a young couple about to get married can catch a glimpse of what the marriage relationship could be a glimpse that won’t let them settle for anything less.”

However, wanting a relationship to work is one thing; getting it to function under such virtues is quite another. If well executed, such values become the fuel that drives any relationship forward so that it does not stagnate.

In addition, our focus should also be on the real “foxes” that kill the virtues of love, such as self-centeredness, pride and a self-serving attitude.

On the stage of love, a relationship that is not others-focused becomes inconsistent with the purpose of marriage. A marital stage that is characterised by deceit, impatience, lack of honesty, and driven by pride closes the door to mutual understanding, consideration and the common good.

Sadly, we can have these negative traits without realising the pain they cause the other party. The truth is, much of the rage we feel in marriage when something bad happens can be sorted out through love. When we choose not to display this kind of play on stage, we will be less concerned with how other people feel and become more protective of our own needs.

Therefore, the greatest place to begin scripting the play of marriage is the need to replace self-centeredness with others-centeredness, and selfishness with selflessness.

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