LIFE BY LOUIS: End of year party intrigues

We were treated to more drama when the dancefloor was opened. ILLUSTRATION| IGAH

What you need to know:

  • I had not even bought myself decent clothing to attend the party that had a white theme, a very foreign concept to me that time.
  • The venue was a popular four-star hotel located in the outskirts of the city, meaning the company directors must have read the end of year results with wide smiles.

Companies that have not been infected by the cost-cutting fever will throw end of year parties to remind their staff to come back in January.

During the party, some staff members may be lucky to receive some vouchers for their Christmas shopping. If the company books are looking good and the directors are feeling generous, the workers may receive an end of year bonus. .

But it is the end of year party that is the most talked about despite its short lived gratification.

Normally, the preparations will have kicked off in earnest a few months before the December date. In this city that is comprised of walking citizens, booking a decent venue for the December party can be a nightmare, therefore you need to start early.

ADVANCE BOOKING

If you need a decent party facilitator also glorified as the master of ceremony, you need to book him or her in advance.

The MC does not come cheap, therefore you need to lock their steep fees in advance before the government wakes up one day and introduces an MC tax.

I was newly employed and had not even chewed more than two salaries when the festive period came around.

I had not even bought myself decent clothing to attend the party that had a white theme, a very foreign concept to me that time. The venue was a popular four-star hotel located in the outskirts of the city, meaning the company directors must have read the end of year results with wide smiles.

The party that year remains as a standard operating procedure on what not to do during your end of year party.

We arrived early because the company was ferrying us the venue for those who did not have cars. Senior managers always arrive late for parties and always pretend that they had better things to do in the office on that day like sending many emails and reading newspapers.

THIN-WAISTED BOTTLES

The well-dressed waiters ( they were better dressed than me) were waiting to show us our tables, and before we could say party, several bottles of red wine were already gracing our tables. I had not interacted with wine before, and it struck me as an overly sweetened fruit juice that came in fancy bottles and a cork that requires some level of magic to open. The wine came in glasses that had thin waists and wide hips, engaging me in a struggle on how to hold the glass and not drop it or injure its fragile waist.

Because our palates were convinced that they were dealing with juice, the wine bottles were soon being emptied into our thirsty throats at a rate that the waiters could hardly cope with. Thanks to the good company books, more full bottles with strange names from France kept reappearing on our tables while the empty ones gave way.

When food was finally served, you could tell that this was not a welcome idea because our blue collar throats were still inclined towards the sparkling liquids served in magnificent glasses.

By the time the senior managers had finished their important businesses in the offices and finally showed up, most of us were in varying states of inebriation.

FIRST VICTIM

The wine claimed its first victim as soon as the lunch tables were cleared. One of the young men seemed to clutch his throat as he hurried from his seat, and minutes later the contents of his stomach were colouring the well-manicured lawns outside the restaurant. He was soon to get company because the lawns with imported grass continued manifesting more coloured patches.

The next victim was our MC of the day who had been selected from the marketing and activations department. Thanks to copious amounts of wine, he was completely incoherent when he addressed the managing director, and he made an insinuation that one of the reasons why he was not a rich man is because our human resources director was not looking at his payslip with the favour that it deserved. Unbeknown to him, these were career threatening statements that he should not have made if he had spared the two bottles of wine that lay empty at his table.

MORE DRAMA

We were treated to more drama when the dancefloor was opened. I remember this young intern who had never uttered a word in the office unless spoken to. He was seen innocently dancing with the matronly lady who worked at the reception who was old enough to be his grandmother. The innocent dance could have gone on unnoticed had the lady not raised her voice in a manner likely to suggest that she had encountered the devil himself.

It later turned out that the wine that the young man had swallowed had misled him to think that he was dancing with his age mate, and he had stopped short of making a marriage proposal to his elderly dance partner.

While the human resource manager intervened, the irate lady was whisked away by the company driver and driven home before she uttered a curse that would poison the company books for the next ten financial years. Needless to say, the young intern did not report for work when we resumed in January.