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YOBBY: How to amass followers on social media

Thursday August 22 2019

 People now try to look cool by posting suggestive photos, sensational status updates and trying to be as brutal as possible on Twitter.

People now try to look cool by posting suggestive photos, sensational status updates and trying to be as brutal as possible on Twitter. PHOTO| FOTOSEARCH 

MESHACK YOBBY
By MESHACK YOBBY
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For most people on social media, the more attention they get from total strangers, the better they feel.

People now try to look cool by posting suggestive photos, sensational status updates and trying to be as brutal as possible on Twitter.

Find an innocent post, post a mean reply, take a screenshot and share it. Wait for virtual love.

Some people have utilised this attention and started calling themselves ‘influencers’. I can’t blame them. They make pretty decent money and get freebies from various companies looking to make use of their large followings.

By the way, many of these accounts are bots. I have a friend who used to post in Sheng’ and get a hundred likes in a minute, all from Asians. Companies don’t care to look if the followers are ghosts of not.

Over time, I have noticed a four main ways through which people attract virtual followings. So, if you want to be a social media bigwig, here are three tips:

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Content

Debauchery sells. It gets most attention, because it is evil pleasure. It did not start with Facebook and Instagram. Long before we had these social media accounts, we had 2go.

To get any attention on 2go’s chat rooms, you had to have a suggestive name like Dig Bick or Fat Cat. If you went there with a name like Obonyo, no one would talk to you.

It is difficult, but more respectable, to build an audience based on sober posts. If you cannot allow yourself to go the debauchery way, you had better be very funny. Humour also has an audience.

Bad puns, anecdotes, funny family stories attract people. There is so much to be stressed about that people look for anything that is funny. Hence, the rise of memes.

If you don’t have content, just post photos taken while you pretend you are totally unaware that there is a person with a camera in the room.

Then immediately upload it with a quote from the Bible. Or Mahatma Gandhi. It helps if you are visually appealing.

Phrases and terms

Learn 'woke' words like ‘privilege’, ‘unlearn’, ‘unpack’, and ‘centre’.

You don’t even need to know their meanings. Just use them in an angry tone, and people will believe you know your stuff.

For example, if I say a man should be free to speak about his emotional experiences without being ridiculed, you can quickly say, “Stop centring yourself. You are speaking from a point of privilege. You need to unpack that mentality and unlearn those ideas that you have been socialised into.”

Many words, no meaning. But it sounds heavy, right?

Also, learn a lot of English so that when you use these key words, people feel like you have thrown intellectual punches. English intimidates a lot of people. How can you argue with someone who says they will pulverize you?

Another useful line to always arm yourself with is ‘I will not perform intellectual labour for you’.

Use this when you have thrown everything you have got but the opponent still has some heavy points. Or when you feel you are about to be trapped and defeated.

Importantly, make sure you always have the last word even when you are not saying anything substantive. In case you feel you are losing the fight, tag your squad and say 'I can't even'.

That is their cue to take over the fight as you lick your wounds and wait for the person you are attacking to say anything that is slightly wrong.

If all else fails, go to their photos, look for the worst one, then say something nasty. Talk about everything but the points your opposition has raised.

You will win very many arguments and gain many followers. Trust me on that.

Never praise a man

In fairness, I should title this ‘champion a cause’ so that you get many followers. Among the most popular recent causes is to never praise a man. Never praise a man.

If a man is praised, attack him as being basic. If a lady speaks in glowing terms about men in her life, or how she wants to treat her man, call her a ‘pick me’.

Never let a man be praised in your presence. ‘Never thank a man for doing his job’ should be your mantra.

A good example is that of a man who posted chapattis in a Facebook food group that is known for having fun in the comments section. His only mistake was that he included his face in every photo, perhaps to discourage photo thieves.

The ladies in the group forgot the chapattis and in good cheer, praised his looks.

On another page, the food post was referenced with the refrain ‘the standards are too low’. The man just posted a food photo and ladies were attacked for saying he is handsome.

If you praise a woman, no one will pay attention at all. That is normal. You only have to compare Mother’s Day and Father’s Day posts to know it is a fact. Praising men is a rare, unwanted thing.

Remember, If you want followers, play victim sensationally all the time. Cyprian Nyakundi became famous this way.

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