OFF MY CHEST: I regret taking the life of my child

I never once thought that one day I would be staring at the screen of my computer trying to find words to lay down my feelings – these really painful feelings.

These feelings of regret, pain, loss and shame have become a part of my life because I killed you. A dark cloud hangs over my head.

Why did I listen to them? Why did I take their bad advice? My sisters told me to keep you, my friends told me to get rid of you. I listened to all the advice, but I heeded the bad ones. And because of this, you are not here with me. If I had kept you my child, you would have been one or two months old.

Life has never been the same since that day. Sometimes I cry a river when I think of you. I wish I had made a different choice.

REGRET

I did not hate you my child. In fact, the moment I find out I was expecting you, I was elated. Believe me, I was really excited. The morning sickness was awful but I knew it would be worth it when I got to hold you in my arms.

But things took a twist. Your dad and I were suddenly not on good terms. One day we were so in love and then the next day things got toxic. I remember vividly that Thursday morning when we began arguing and to my shock what followed was blow after blow. He beat me up not caring that I was carrying you. I packed my bags and swore never to go back to him.

That’s when reality hit me – I didn't have the means of taking care of you, of us. I decided to get an abortion after listening to wrong advice. I felt it was my only way out. But this was a mistake; one that I regret.

I did not go to any hospital or to a medical professional. I did it in my house, alone. A friend bought me medicine – one to put under my tongue and another to insert in my vagina.

At one point it was so painful that I thought I was going to die. And I swear I could hear you scream and beg me not to do it. But I was selfish; I only thought of myself at that moment.

I CRY FOR YOU

You were three months old and still developing, and I suspected you would be a girl. I felt it in my bones. I knew you were going to be a beautiful girl.

But now all I have are regrets. I feel guilty and ashamed. I cry almost every day and wonder how it would have been if I had kept you, if you were born and I held you in my hands.

Many times when I see pregnant women or sometimes scroll through Facebook or Instagram and see people posting baby bump pictures and photos of newborns, I cry wishing that I had kept my child.

I believe you are in heaven now; that you are in a happy place. I will forever remember you.

Please forgive me my sweet angel for my inhumane act. You deserved better, you deserved to have a taste of this life. But I took it away when it had hardly begun.

My angel, I have never forgiven myself. And often times I get angry with myself and angry at my friends who encouraged me to get an abortion.

I know I need to deal with my emotions and let go of the hurt and anger, and hopefully, I will forgive myself and my friends and let it all go.

My baby girl, I am telling your story so that girls and women who find themselves in a similar situation do not kill their babies. Abortion is not the way out. And the guilt is more painful than even the abortion itself. I regret taking the life of my child and I would not like any other woman to go through the same trauma.

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