LIFE BY LOUIS: Genesis of my fear of water

Heavy rains have been pounding various parts of the country and with the rains come the promise of water availability and a bountiful harvest.

However the person in charge of the water ministry in the skies seems to have left the taps open a tad too long, and the results have been disastrous.

I have witnessed houses in our Leafy Suburbs that have been partially or wholly submerged in water.

SMALL MERCIES

From the comfort of my humble abode on Eighth Floor, I could only get a birds eye view as my estate was turned into a beach plot and thank God for the small mercies.

My neighbours on the lower floors have had to relocate as their houses were turned into water ponds and frogs invited themselves for dinner.

Every morning I have had to convince my KVX to act as a small boat so that I can manoeuvre through a small lake that engulfs the estate all the way to the main road.

I consider myself hydrophobic, and so far I have been lucky to escape any unnerving encounter with the water body in the estate.

Thanks to my elevated position on Eighth Floor, and the fact that KVX has so far acted on behalf of a boat and taken me safely in and out of the marooned estate, I have not had a nasty experience with the flooding menace.

I always shiver when I talk about my anecdotes with water bodies.

I was young and frolicking in a coastal town with a bad company of friends. When I look back, I reckon that those days I had a lot of time and possibly money at my disposal to perambulate around the country violating all rules and looking for trouble.

I had not been outside Nairobi before and I was thrilled by the lengthy ride to the coast aboard an overland truck that felt like driving from Cairo to Cape Town.

Among other illusions, I was foolish enough to believe that swimming as a skill would get me dream dates.

To make this illusion more foolhardy, I believed that by swimming, I would get a chiselled body that would draw the sisters towards me like moths to a lonely light in the night. 

As a result, I was audacious enough to adopt swimming as a hobby, albeit to rescue myself from a miserable life of chastity.

Because my career was struggling, I was hopeful that my swimming would evolve from a hobby into a fully paying career. With exposure and the right connections, I would cut it to the team representing the country in international swimming competitions.

If I landed back with a haul of medals on my neck, not only would I be assured of dining in the big white house on the hill, I would also be rewarded with a big cheque. During lean times I would probably smelt some of the medals and become a dealer in precious metals.

GLAMOUR AND FAME

The swimming pool in the cheap hotel where we were being hosted looked inviting with calm water that looked invitingly blue from a distance. This was going to be my launching pad to a life of glamour and fame.

In this particular instant and in a moment of fleeting insanity, I jumped into the deep end of the pool despite the fact that I had never been into a full cup of water before. 

Although I had a premonition of a disaster, there was much more at stake. The girls were in the house and waiting to be pleased, I had an ego to boost, plus I had tons of raw boy child foolishness. 

Ignoring the foreboding sixth sense that was telling me to behave, I ventured in deeper. 

My first gulp of the pool water basically drained the main pool, baby pool and the adjacent underground reservoir tanks. 

The second gulp made the entire coastal strip a water stressed region. Before I was rescued and left there sprawling on the pool bed with my distended stomach, I saw Jerusalem and other cities of old and I was sure that this was heaven I was seeing.

Two gentlemen held me down and squeezed my stomach, and the water came gushing out. The water that I regurgitated was warm, and it flowed back to the pool, turning it into a hot water spa.

I bet I had caused them enough trouble already, and the last thing they were going to do was let me go back to Nairobi with their pool water in my stomach.

I have since relinquished my swimming rights to Brian because wisdom comes with age. My interaction with water now is just perfunctory.