MAN IN THE HOOD: Some friends have perfected the art of showing up at mealtimes

Growing up, my parents always emphasised on the valuable lesson that is “Never forget to say thank you.” So, I’d like to begin by thanking everyone who spares a few minutes of their time every week to read this column as well as ‘Celeb Buzz.’ You people rock.

I also want to thank those who go the extra mile to share the links and text me smile-triggering words like “your stories are so captivating.” Nothing gives us writers more joy than seeing people appreciating our work.

And before I forget, some of you have even been asking what transpired with the relative who had refused to leave my house. I even got a few messages from a few able-bodied people offering to come and help me kick him out. How kind.

Well, gladly, my gym buddy came through and bulldozed him out of the house. No one was hurt in the process. Only a few harsh words were thrown around. I am glad to say that Mr. ‘Cousin of My Cousin’ is back in his hut in the village. Alijua hajui. 

I know he’ll tarnish my name among my other relatives but I’ve never been one to care much. I was born with an iron heart.

MEALTIME VISITORS

That being said, there’s another issue that has been bothering me lately. Does anyone else have friends who have perfected the art of showing up just when you are about to eat? Just as you are about to treat yourself to your home-made delicacy, you hear a knock on the door.

Sharing is not a bad thing, the issue is planning – that pesky friend who has made a snap visit was simply not in your meal plans at all. The importance of planning in life cannot be emphasised enough. Nations have plundered into irreversible debt, people have gone bankrupt and generals have suffered devastating defeats due to lack of planning. 

If a full plate of rice and a quarter kilogramme of meat are what keep you charged, sharing half of it with someone who showed up without notice will clearly put your tummy at a disadvantage. Cooking more to accommodate the other person also puts your pockets at a disadvantage.

Worse still, it’s always your most distant of buddies that tend to drop by when no one was expecting them, like an Eminem album. Most of us wouldn’t mind if a close friend showed up just before a meal. We’d gladly share whatever we have with them. However, distant friends need to adhere to visiting hours. They ought to treat your house like a hospital.

Not everyone has a surplus of meals and can cater for visitors on an effortless whim. Any friend with a speckling of decency should mind the time. If you want to visit in the morning, show up after 9am when the owner of the house has already had breakfast and leave by 12 noon. If you’d like to visit in the afternoon, show up after 2 pm. In the evening, any time from 5pm to 7pm is allowed. Showing up at 8pm when the owner of the house is busy slicing onions is indecorous. 

DEAL WITH IT

There are multifarious methods of dealing with unannounced guests at mealtimes and they are all inhumane. The great Swedish playwright, novelist and poet August Strindberg once said, “When necessity speaks, it demands.” That means you shouldn’t be implementing these methods but you just have to.

The first option when there is a knock just when you are about to grab the frying pan is to not open the door at all. Lay still and act like there is no one in the house. Hold your breath and don’t make a sound, like you are a horror movie character hiding from a serial killer who is sauntering a few metres from you. The disadvantage of this method is that if you had already started cooking or eating, the aroma will betray you.

If you hadn’t started cooking, there’s always the option of sitting it out and pretending you are not hungry until the guest leaves. It’s called kukaa ngumu. However, this is treacherous territory too. The guest might not want to leave, ever. They might just sit there talking and talking while in their minds they are thinking: “Kwani ataenda kupika saa ngapi? Niko na njaa sana. (What time will he start cooking? I am very hungry.)”

You could also allow the guest to sit for a few minutes then you suddenly come up with a loosely tied together constellation of reasons why you need to leave the house and rush somewhere immediately. After you leave with the guest and they go their separate way, you quietly sneak back into your house and enjoy your meal.

And if you are badass enough, you can just serve yourself and eat as the guest watches. I wouldn’t advise this method though because you might lose the friend. Or perhaps it would be good riddance?

Be at liberty to pick whichever method works for you.

Either way, every person should know that being a drop-in visitor is never cool.  Don’t knock on people’s doors before mealtimes. Sort yourself first before you visit someone. Don’t rely on them to feed you, unless they really insist on feeding you when you are at their place or invite you over for a meal in advance.