MAN IN THE HOOD: What would life be like without movie shops?

My date told me that her biggest hobby was watching movies. I, in turn, told her that I had the best movie and series collection ever. ILLUSTRATION | IGAH

What you need to know:

  • To get the best experience out of movie shops, you have to know what you really want otherwise you will really be short-changed.
  • Movie guys are experts at recommending movies that aren’t that good.
  • When the movie shop is full, you will always be at a disadvantage if the movie guy is not your friend.
  • Do you have feedback on this article? Please email: [email protected]

In the hood, a movie shop is a very iconic place. It’s where you go to purchase your dose of riveting foreign cinematic and TV productions when you are still too broke to afford your own Wi-Fi.

It’s also a place where you go when you don’t have enough cool friends who keep up with the latest movies. In short, you have no one to borrow from. Maybe your friends only watch telenovelas and “Papa Shirandula”. Apparently, very many people fall in either of those two categories. That’s why movie shops are always full.

And when the movie shop is full, you will always be at a disadvantage if the movie guy is not your friend. He will serve his buddies and all the beautiful ladies before you. You will end up waiting longer than someone queuing to apply for a passport at Nyayo House.

BIG DATE

For a while now, I have had my own Wi-Fi so there hasn’t been a need for me to go to the movie shop. I can simply download or stream whichever movie I want. However, I still find myself going to the bootleg shop once in a while just to experience the culture.

To get the best experience out of movie shops, you have to know what you really want otherwise you will really be short-changed. Movie guys are experts at recommending movies that aren’t that good.

Hii movie ni latest, na ni kali!” he will tell you. But when you finally sit down to watch it you realise it’s as boring as washing utensils.

I remember several years back when I had just completed high school, I invited a certain lady over that I had met on Facebook. There was no Tinder and I was still too shy to ask a girl out face to face, so what option did I have? And no, I was not one of those guys who send “Hey beautiful” texts every day to the same person even when they are getting ignored. I kept it moving.

So I invited the lady over but I didn’t even have my own place. I brought her to my big brother’s place. I was living with him and lucky for me, he had gone to ocha (upcountry) for a week – perfect circumstances.

On the days leading to the home date, I spent most of my free time chatting to the girl. She told me that her biggest hobby was watching movies. I, in turn, told her that I had the best movie and series collection ever. If it were today, I would have told her I was a walking Netflix. Smooth? No? Okay.

She was impressed and even suggested that she would like to spend the whole weekend with me. You should have seen me dancing “Mukangala” at that point. I was shaking my shoulders and thanking the heavens. A whole weekend? My goodness! Life had never been so good.

TRIP TO THE MOVIE SHOP

The morning before she came, I made sure everything was sorted. I rushed to the butchery and bought some meat. I didn’t forget to remind the butcher not to include fat. I also passed by a chemist to buy some ‘protective gear’. I wasn’t sure whether anything would happen but a responsible man has to be prepared just in case, right?

When buying ‘protective gear’, you have to be really strategic about it. First, it is not advisable to go to a chemist that’s near where you live. You need to go to one where the attendant doesn’t know you too well. The purpose of this is to avoid gossip. Otherwise, the next time you might be passing nearby and the attendant says to the M-Pesa lady next to him, “Huyo kijana wa pale gate ya blue si anapenda hii maneno. Jana amenunua pack tatu. Imagine!”

Second, you have to do some surveillance before entering. You can’t just walk and ask for it when an old woman is standing there. Ideally, you can pass by the chemist around two or three times while peeping inside. When the coast is clear, you move in and out quickly like a diamond thief.

Anyway, so I got the protective gear and finally, it was time to get some movies. I went to a movie shop that had just been opened. It looked very beautiful with graffiti on the outside and coloured lights on the inside. Hip-hop was playing from bass-heavy speakers and wherever hip-hop is, I follow.

I made the first big mistake most people make when stepping into a movie shop – asking the movie guy for recommendations.

He gave me a couple of series and movies and then pointed to one saying “Hii imefika hadi season six. Si nikupatie tu zote… (I have this one up to season six. Let me give you all the seasons).”

Uko sure ni poa? (Are you sure it’s good?)” I sought confirmation.

Yea! Hii hata hautatoka kwa nyumba hadi umalize. (Yes. You won’t even leave the house until you finish all of it.)”

REGRETS

His name was Brayo. I should have known not to trust someone called Brayo.

Of course, I had to wait for him to burn the movies to the DVDs first. Those days there was never a ready copy available so you had to sit and wait. I sat and waited impatiently since my date had already told me she was on her way.

Luckily, he finished on time then I went to pick the lady and took her to my brother’s house. After having a meal, we began watching the movies.

None of them was captivating. I had to change to a different film about four times. Eventually, she aired out her frustrations.

Si hizi movies zako ni boring (Your movies are boring). I thought you said you had the best collection.”

I was left scratching my head. Eventually, I had to admit that I didn’t have the best movie collection. Sometimes, honesty is just the best policy.

“My bad…I don’t have the best movies. I only said that to impress you.”

Lucky for me, she was the understanding type. The weekend turned out to be great eventually despite the fact that most of the DVDs that appeared to have good movies had scratches somewhere in between.

Unfortunately, my brother ruined the fun the next day by calling to say he was on his way back from ocha. He had cut the trip short so I had to escort my date to the stage quickly before he showed up.

I thought I had dodged a bullet until my brother stepped into the bathroom and came out holding a brown braid. “Hii ni ya nani? (Who does this belong to?)”, he asked. Apparently, one of my date’s braids had detached itself when she was around and now I was really going to have a hard time explaining myself.

I don’t remember what I said to get out of that situation but what I remember was that the next day, I was back to the movie shop, arguing with Brayo; me telling him his movies sucked and him telling me “Wewe ndio hauna taste.”

I still kept going back nevertheless. I still kept going because what would life be like without movies? God bless movie shops.

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