MAN IN THE HOOD: My January survival master plan

If you fail to plan, you plan to fail.

Today, I find it appropriate to unveil my master plan for survival in this 100-day month of January aka Njaanuary. Feel free to use it as a template if your life is similar to mine.

Why did it take me so long to come up with a plan you might ask? We are already a few days into January.

Well, only now is it hitting me that my monetary reservoirs have been depleted and I am heading into an economic crisis.

It’s only now that I realise that I might actually go broke by the January 15. I thought I had a lot of money left. At this rate, I need a refresher course in financial planning.

MY PLAN

Anyway, here is what my plan entails.

First of all, I am suspending my friendship with Kevo until February 1. I’ve realised I spend too much money when I am hanging out with Kevo. Why do people called Kevo always have the best plans? You might be going to buy milk at the shop then you bump into Kevo and the next thing you know, you are in the other side of town spending some money you didn’t plan on touching. If my wallet could talk, it would say Kaa mbali na Kevo (Stay far away from Kevo).

Don’t call me, Kevo. You are hereby banned from even searching for my number on your contact list. I will look for you when the time is right.

In case any other pal invites me for a plan, I am going to pretend I have been rendered bedridden by a great malady.

I have just lied to one right now that I am suffering from Smallpox. When he sounded concerned and asked to see me, I told him that it was best if he stays away because he might get infected too.

Smallpox hasn’t existed since October 1977. Not many are aware of this fact so the lie will keep on working. Awesome!

VEGGIES ON CREDIT

Next, I am working on getting very close with Mama Mboga. I mean really close.

I have begun flirting with her, telling her that her hair looks good and that she has the most beautiful smile in the world.  This is meant to make it easier for me to take groceries on credit when I run out of cash.

The flattery is working by the way. You know how I know? The discounts are now common.

Two days in a row, I have asked her “nyanya ni ngapi?” and she has said” “tatu ni 25 bob but unaeza chukua tu na tatu mbao.” See?

I also intend to avoid all nyama choma and mutura joints in my hood. I am currently researching for short cuts that I can use to get in and out of my place without passing near any of those joints. Hopefully, I’ll get one soon. If it were possible, I would walk blindfolded like the characters in the latest overhyped movie Bird Box.

In the meantime, I just have to resist the urge. I am thinking I should say The Lord’s Prayer every time that nyama choma aroma hits my nostrils. Especially the part that says “Lead us not into temptation……”

I also plan to bargain for each service or product. Just yesterday, I tried bargaining with an M-Pesa agent. “Hii thao lazima nitumie 27 bob kutoa? Uko sure siezi toa na 10 bob?” I inquired. You should have seen the look on her face. Next, I am planning to bargain with the supermarket cashier. When I see the total is 500, I’ll be like “Nifanyie 450. Wewe ni mtu wangu.” This might not work but it never hurts to try.

LOAN APPS

And lastly, thank God for all the loan apps that exist in this beautiful country of ours.

I have installed like ten of them in preparation for the mass borrowing that I am about to embark on. In case anyone knows any other loan app that I might not be aware of, please feel free to let me know. Don’t judge me. We are a borrowing nation anyway.

Hey China, in case you are looking for someone else to lend money, I am right here. I probably won’t pay you back but the Kenyan government won’t either, right? Hiyo pesa ikam. Thank you very much.