OFF MY CHEST: He promised the world but turned violent - Daily Nation

OFF MY CHEST: He promised the world but turned violent

Wednesday December 13 2017

I am anxious and I can’t recognise myself anymore. The tears I cry every night are far more than the tears of joy you’ve brought to my eyes.

I am anxious and I can’t recognise myself anymore. The tears I cry every night are far more than the tears of joy you’ve brought to my eyes. ILLUSTRATION | IGAH 

By BELA V. MUGALA

The first time I fell in love was exciting. The world came to a standstill and I was vivacious.

My head was always in the clouds and my naivety led me to believe that I would be in this state forever. Descriptions of love in short stories like the one you are reading now all seemed shallow compared to mine.

Everyone around me could tell what was going on since the new man in my life was now the centre of my universe. My love promised that I would soon be his Mrs, bear his children and live in a house near the ocean. How romantic! I would now find myself always online shopping for wedding dresses.

Selfies were the order of the day when we were together, starry-eyed, creating memories to last a lifetime. I had seen so many pictures of my parents when they were dating and I wanted to follow in their footsteps.

From pulling out a chair for me on dinner dates to frequent phone calls during the day, this man made me believe he was the perfect gentleman.

WHAT WENT WRONG

Our love ship that I had nicknamed "MV L'amour" was suddenly caught in a storm. I could no longer see the once beautiful horizon and every day doubts filled my mind about where we were headed. We were no longer the happy couple, madly in love and desperate for each other's company.

My love stopped calling and neither would he return my calls. We would plan dates but he would never show up. When he found time for me, it would be with his friends who no longer had to bear long introductions of me as his future wife let alone girlfriend. It was obvious he no longer worshipped the ground that I walked on.

Sadly, as typical love-struck women do, I made excuses for him and convinced myself that all relationships go through tough times. One Saturday night, I called to check up on him but it went straight to voicemail. I told myself that he was probably watching football as usual and would call me back when he got the chance.

Whenever he stood me up I would go back home and cry myself to sleep only to wake up the next morning and continue pretending that everything was okay. Our dates became less and less and each time I would look at his eyes the only thing that I could see was a blank stare. We would sit in awkward silence with no stories or future plans to share. Where did the love go? Was it still in there somewhere? I dared not ask him.

BEGGED ME TO LEAVE THIS VIOLENT MAN

Some people are meant to be in your life for a season and it is unfortunate that I realised this after we broke up five times and ended up getting back together. At one point our fights became so bad that the police had to be called in to intervene. My friends eventually got tired of begging me to leave this violent man.

Alone and with no one to turn to life finally caught up with me. I turned back to my relatives who I had abandoned when I fell in love and thankfully they embraced me with open arms. I would visit a cousin in Utawala, an aunt in South ‘C’ and a uncle who lived near the Northern by-pass.

I slowly began to learn how to love myself and be okay with spending time alone. I admit there were times I would succumb to feelings of self pity and loneliness but I am stronger now after summing up the courage to break up with him for good. This time however I did it over a WhatsApp message for the sake of my security:

Honey, we never know, perhaps ours was love or something close to love. At this point I have to choose between two things; the uncertainty that is you or the sanity of my mind. You have become a slow poison, toxic to all my cells and killing me slowly because surely every day, I am anxious and I can’t recognise myself anymore. The tears I cry every night are far more than the tears of joy you’ve brought to my eyes. I wish it turned out how we had envisioned but I can’t take the lunacy anymore. Every time you promised me you would change but your harshness and indifference continues to cut through me. I don’t know what love is but I’m sure it shouldn’t hurt this much. You were the first man I ever loved or maybe the first man I ever thought I loved. Whatever the case, THANKS FOR THE MEMORIES.”

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