SHAGS TALES: When December and Queen come knocking

The much awaited month of the year in the calendar of the countryside is here with us again. The very air we breathe smells like it.

As usual, emotions run very high in the Palace, my humble abode in the western prairies of the Aberdare countryside.

This has been the unfortunate routine for the years I have been married to Queen, except for our first year of marriage, when we were in a bed of roses.

AUTOBIOGRAPHY

To put you into the picture of my life and times in the Palace will require acres of the space of an autobiography, a privilege I do not have for now.

However, a nugget per time will do, hopefully making a hilarious autobiography in the fullness of time.

My working title for now is, The King and Queen of the Countryside: How to Make a Marriage Last. Watch this space.

I meant to tell you why the month of December raises the temperatures in the Palace, before I digressed to my day dreams.

Back to the point, December is meant to be a month of peace, love and joy as the whole world celebrates the birth of one Jesus Christ to one Virgin Mary, wife to a carpenter called John.

A grass-to-glory kind of a story, if I you ask me. Such kinds of stories are a great source of self-help and inspiration, particularly in such times when all else one hears is about Chinese, loans railways to nowhere and BBI.

Toxic and depressing stories of our times, but I digress again.

As has been the routine in past Decembers, Queen has already tabled a long demand list of items that I should buy for her.

It is not that she is in great want but Christmas happens to be the best time to blackmail me in to spoiling her with goodies. She has gone further to incite my, nay, our boys to table their own want list of items that I should buy for Christmas.

If you are a married man and a hustler at that, then you know that there is a whole world of difference between a demand, a want and a need.

Queens demand list is just that, a demand which I have to fulfill if I hope to have peace over the Christmas holiday. Luckily for me, I know how to handle the boys and I shall negotiate with them on their want list.

Yours truly is a peace and loving variety of a husband and father. In that respect, I am going to attend to both the demand and want lists without bitterness. That is what a loving husband and father does to his wife and children to prove that he is king of his empire.

After all, Joseph the carpenter was neither a briefcase contractor nor an employee of a county government, yet he provided for his lovely queen Mary and son Jesus.

For all his troubles, the world has never been the same again. He bequeathed us a Christmas season to prove our love to our ‘entrustees’.

Queen is demanding a dress, a cardigan, a pair of shoes and other items of clothing that I cannot tell you through this medium, all new. She also wants a touch screen phone to match the tastes of wives of the who is who in the Aberdare countryside.

As if that is not enough, I have to accompany her for the shopping spree, so that I can make comments on the suitability of the items on her, then pay and carry them to the back seat of my Volkswagen Beetle.

UNDERSTANDING

I do not require a professor of mathematics to tell me that on the lower side, I shall be Sh50,000 poorer by the end of the demand journey. On the other hand, my boys want bicycles, jeans suits, and safari boot shoes among many other items.

I negotiated with them and they agreed to share one bicycle. I will however buy the suits and shoes. I have very understanding boys, despite the incitement from Queen.

You can now understand why I became depressed when December arrived uninvited. This is at a time when my Beetle is demanding for a fresh supply of re-tread wheels if I have to survive the month without unnecessary fights with the men in blue. But there is one saving grace.

I am a financial gymnast. I just have to sweet talk Wa Kanesa and get re-tread wheels on credit and I shall be good to go.

It is raining like never before in the countryside and all the plastic second-hand imitations of cars are out of use. Only my hardy metallic beetle will make it along the countryside tracks that pass for roads.

Nairobians will be coming home and they avoid rain like a plague. You can now see why the Beetle is the only Uber of choice in the length and width of Aberdare countryside.

And that is how I shall give both Queen and December a big surprise. I shall also have greatly frustrated all my enemies of marital bliss who have never get tired of reminding Queen that she made the wrong choice of a husband, but that is a story for another day.

Long live the rains, long live my Beetle. In the meantime, Come December come.