MONEY TALKS: When your partner sends ‘too much’ money home

I carry on with responding to the second of three questions from Annette. Second question Annette asked is:

Hello Bett,
Thank you for your article on managing money as a couple. I enjoy reading your money articles and I have learnt a lot from them.

I feel like we send more money to his [my partner’s] family, money that we could have invested elsewhere. Anytime a family member asks him for money he simply sends. He doesn't know how to say no and it has become a constant problem between us.

Your number one fan,
Annette

Do you know how I imagine this, Annette? I imagine that you and I are sitting across from each other at a table in some uppity bar, having glasses of rosé wine.

And it’s Friday. And they’re playing 90s old school music, exactly what I like. And the crowd around us is mature.

And we’re chatting like girls.

So let’s chat.

MAKE MORE MONEY

I used to have the problem your partner has – I used to send so much money home that I’d end up broke in the middle of the month.

The kicker is, I’d ask GB to bail me out. Then he’d ask me why I’m broke, then I’d tell him I’ve sent money home. Then he’d ask me why I’ve sent so much. And I’d mumble some evasive nonsense to get out of his question then next month the cycle would be repeated.

I was frustrating him, I could tell.

Do you know how I got around my own problem, Annette? No, I didn’t stop sending money home. Because I have to – I figure that by the time sometime is reaching out then they’ve considered and reconsidered other options.

If I have, I give. If I don’t, I say so.

This applies to immediate family, though.

Anyway, I found a way to make extra money so I could send it home without my personal budget being knocked unconscious in the gut.

Your partner should consider this make-more-money avenue so he can take care of his duties back home.

TAKE CONTROL

The other thing to do is for you to take control of the household’s finances. This is the healthier, more long-term solution to your quagmire.

Have you and him put your money in a basket every month, after payday. (I don’t mean this literally, by the way, ha-ha. It’s a figure of speech. )

You take the basket – you, not him – and from there settle the household’s expenses, and your joint savings and investments as a couple.

Budget for it comprehensively so that it’s sufficient for all your needs and wants as a couple. Budget for it together.

Also, have investment projects lined up that you both see the need to putting more into the basket. Sometimes people fall off the investment wagon because there’s no urgency or immediacy to the cash set aside for it.

Whatever remains in both your pockets, after putting into the basket, is for you each do as you please.

If he wants to send it all home and have nothing left for himself, that’s up to him. Just let him know that you also have your personal budget to address, too, and you may not be able to bail him out.

Also have a rule that neither of you should withdraw from the joint savings account unless it’s extremely urgent. If the family’s favourite cow in his 'shagz' has fallen into a hole and they need money to pull the cow out, ask yourselves if that qualifies for a withdrawal.

You should be the only one with access to the savings account, that way he won’t squander it pulling cows out of holes.

HIS PERSONAL BUDGET

You can also tell him to have a strict secondary budget for the cash he’ll be sending home.

This secondary budget is listed in order of priority:

Primary budget: Family – Sh40,000.

Secondary budget: Parents – Sh20,000. Njogu (big bro) – Sh7,000. Maish (small bro) – Sh5,000. Aunty Wairimu’s chickens – Sh3,500. Uncle Kinuthia’s borehole spare parts – Sh7,000. Jirani’s mothers union kitty – Sh4,000.

On and on it goes.

The line items in this secondary budget will likely change by the month but the bottom line shouldn’t. If he’s budgeted to be sending home Sh40,000 in total, then that’s what he should work with.

If someone who hasn’t been budgeted for approaches him for money, he has to turn them away and say pole.

SAY NO

Lastly, your partner should learn to say no.

Is there a way to teach people to say ‘no’? To be honest, Annette, I don’t know.

Folk like your partner are burdened by their own heart of giving and caring for others. My big sis is the same way.

Saying no puts in her is such a funk of guilt that she’ll even deny herself stuff so she can give to those who’ve asked of her. She won’t admit it out aloud but hearing a ‘thank you’ from others affirms her need to feel wanted. It’s her language of love. Do you know what I mean?

With your partner, I suppose he gets an ego boost when his family comes to him for help. Then he wells up with pride – his chest like a frigate bird – knowing he’s the reliable, dependable man in the family. Unlike his big brother, Njogu.

EGO

What you can also do, Annette, is acknowledge and appreciate him at home so he doesn’t have to seek it elsewhere.

When you sit down to talk about this problem, your first line of conversation should begin from, “I really like how you take care of kina Mum at home. The cows also look very healthy. Let me see the photos again, where’s the one of the newborn calf? You’ve done well, my love.

“I think we can do more for the family, yours and mine, if we put our finances together and budget for what we’ll be sending to them.” Then pause and look him in the eyes. “That jacket really flatters your shoulders, by the way. Roar.”

Hahaa.

Don’t start with, “I think you love kina Mum’s cows more than you love me. Or is it because you think I look like a cow? If l look like a cow it’s because you’ve forgotten to take care of me. You send all your money home and you don’t even leave me something for my hair. Look at how Timo takes care of Shiro, why can’t you do the same for me?” Loud click.

It’ll be downhill from there, Annette.

We don’t want things going downhill. We want happiness and solidarity and laughter and people expressing their love to their lovers.

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