OFF MY CHEST: Why I’m against HIV self-testing

I had been contemplating taking a HIV test for a while. But every time I made a plan, I made an excuse to not see it through. After all, wasn’t I safe? Hadn’t I been careful? Hadn’t I been tested before? And wasn’t I healthy?

It had been almost two years of planning and failing to execute my plans. I would make a date on my days off from work then come up with some excuse such as laundry, weekly or spring cleaning or running errands for people.

Sometimes I would even get to town or near a hospital or testing centre, and I’d suddenly be hungry or need to use the bathroom.

And after I had eaten or used the bathroom, my mind would tell me that I needed to go home. And go home I did.

MET A MAN

But new events in my life were forcing me to come to terms with the fact that I would have to get tested. I had met a man.

A wonderful man. And he was serious about me. When I said I wasn’t ready for intimacy, he told me to save it for our wedding. And later, he proposed. But I couldn’t answer him. How could I when I wasn’t sure of my status?

So I made a plan. But every time, my legs became jelly. And then I heard of the home testing kit. I walked around looking for it.

And when I finally found it, I bought both types: the one that uses saliva and the one that uses blood. I went home, read the instructions carefully, and with every sentence, my heart beat faster.

I was panicking, my hands were sweating and my legs were shaking. I couldn’t test myself. And the instructions say you shouldn’t test yourself if you are not in the right state of mind.

I stared at the self-test kits for several days. And one day, I decided it was time. I had been ignoring my boyfriend and I needed to give him an answer on his proposal. But I couldn’t do that before I knew my status.

So I set up everything in my bedroom; I wanted to hide from the rest of the world. And I began, first with the gum swab test and set it up. I tried to prick myself but my fear of needles wouldn’t let me. So, I waited. When the 20 minutes were over, I looked at the result of the saliva test. One line. I looked again and again, switched on the lights even though it was during the day and checked it against the bulb.

I cried and cried. It really was one line. I cried so much, I didn’t have the strength to move. I cried myself to sleep right on my bedroom rug.

I woke up later and left everything on the dressing table.

SECOND LINE

The next morning, I woke up and looked at it again just to ensure I wasn’t dreaming. But the result was not what I expected. There was a faint second line. I panicked and looked the strip against the light. Yes, there was a second line. Am I positive? Am I? I wanted to scream, and cry, and I wished the ground could open up and swallow me. But I felt so weak I did none of that. I slumped back on my bed and just stared at it.

I decided to use the other test, the one that draws blood. I told myself that there was no way the saliva one is accurate. I had to do it. But I was too scared to be alone. I decided I have to visit a clinic.

On my way, I passed by a pharmacy with a big poster on HIV self-test being sold there. I walked in and asked whether they do instant tests; I figured it would save me a trip to the clinic. They didn’t do HIV tests, so I bought another self-testing kit using the saliva/ gum swab. I was too afraid of pricking myself and I had the blood test one at home anyway.

I left the pharmacy and turned to go back home, but something urged me to go to the clinic. I was crestfallen. And I trudged the lonely road to the clinic. At the clinic, I was counselled before taking the test. And when it turned negative, I insisted on having another test done. The medic, realising I was distraught, decided that I needed more counselling. I did talk to him for a long time but I still insisted on a second test. He finally conceded and I did a second test. It was still negative. I sighed with relief and went home with a lighter heart.

ACCEPTED MARRIAGE PROPOSAL

That weekend, I accepted the engagement proposal and we went out and had fun with my now fiancé.

Four months later, I decided to do another test -- just to be sure. I took out the saliva-based self-test kit. And this time, I read the instructions carefully and followed each step. After 20 minutes, I checked the test result. One line. I knew I was safe. I decided on an experiment and kept the kit for about two hours to see what would happen. After watching a movie, I checked it out again and saw a faint second line. Then I remembered the instructions said ‘Do not read after 40 minutes’. I laughed and realised my initial mistake with the first test I had done. And for good measure, I took another blood test at a VCT centre. The results were the same. My fiancé and I went to test together in preparation for our upcoming nuptials. We went to a VCT centre. I had decided that doing the self-test was not going to be a good idea. I didn’t want panic and blame games or any negative feeling in case of anything.

I wanted a place with a counsellor who would help me see things clearly and calm me down. But I am just one person. Recently, a friend of mine said she did the self-test and preferred it to going to a testing centre because she doesn’t like people in her space.

That’s what I felt at first, but the panic and fear was disturbing and now I would rather go to a testing centre.