MAN IN THE HOOD: Why I quit watching football at my local pub

A man selling Nigerian World Cup jerseys is seen in Balogun Market in Lagos on June 14, 2018. If you don’t love football, just be you. PHOTO | STEFAN HEUNIS |

What you need to know:

  • We find it irksome to listen to these counterfeit football fans airing out their uninformed opinions.
  • I was anticipating that his next question would be “When is Manchester United playing Germany?” Luckily that one didn’t come.
  • the barmaids expect me to down sodas at the same rate as someone who is downing beers.
  • I’ve been a staunch fan since the 1998 World Cup. At that time, I was still a kid who didn’t have a crisp understanding about the inner workings of the game but I followed keenly anyway.

We are in the middle of another World Cup season, that season where people who normally don’t enjoy watching a ball get kicked around a field by twenty-two men often pretend to have encyclopaedic knowledge of the game. It is funny and infuriating in equal doses.

Understandably, the fans whose sectarianism goes way back don’t like the part-timers who wield their interest only when there is a major tournament. We find it irksome to listen to these counterfeit football fans airing out their uninformed opinions.

Make them stop, we wish, but our wishes are never granted.

Normally, such fans tend to exist in tiny portions but there’s currently an outbreak. The density of fake fans has increased manifold; you’d think Kenya qualified.

Somebody do something!

This is partly the reason I have quit going to my local pub to watch games. It would have been pleasant if the pretend fans kept quiet and just followed the proceedings. Sadly, they cough out soccer thoughts at the same rate with which an Uzi rifle spits out bullets.

FAKE SOCCER FANS

“Why is Roberto Carlos not playing? I think he would bring some speed into this game.” That’s what a sharp-looking gentleman wearing a Burgundy tailor-made suit and a Hublot watch told me a few days ago at a pub.

Roberto Carlos retired from Brazil’s national team in 2006.

I was anticipating that his next question would be “When is Manchester United playing Germany?” Luckily that one didn’t come. Phew!

I’ve always enjoyed watching football from the comfort of my house but my friends find this preference awkward. They keep insisting that the beautiful game can only be enjoyed where there’s a crowd. The shouting, conviviality and communal celebration in public places cannot be equated to dancing in front of your TV. I figured they had a point so I bowed to pressure and decided to be accompanying them to the pub to follow the globe’s biggest sporting tournament - huge mistake.

I understand that Freedom of Fandom is an unwritten right but the fake football fans are just too much. The other day, I just heard a guy shouting Wa Wa Wa!! Ona venye huyo mse amepita uyo mse! Yet it was Messi dribbling past Sigurdson. You don’t know Messi? You are calling Messi huyo mse? If you don’t even the name of the most popular players on the planet, shouldn’t you be doing something else?

BARMAIDS WON'T GIVE ME A BREAK

My disgruntlement with pubs is also because barmaids won’t give me a break. I 'm a teetotaller. However, the barmaids expect me to down sodas at the same rate as someone who is downing beers. They keep passing by and asking if I’ve finished my bottle so they can add another. They aren’t at peace with seeing me just taking two sodas for the entirety of the match. Surely, how many sodas can a man take in one sitting? Help!

Back to fake fans. They are really overdoing this support thing. You take one look at them and you can tell what’s in their minds. Hey look, we’re having a wonderful time, watching the World Cup, we’re just like you. Yaaay!

I don’t understand why anyone would fake being a soccer fan in order to fit in. It’s not like our president is a Hitler knock-off who has declared that non-football fans shall be sent to concentration camps for torture.

If you don’t love football, just be you.

STAUNCH WORLD CUP FAN

I’ve been a staunch fan since the 1998 World Cup. At that time, I was still a kid who didn’t have a crisp understanding about the inner workings of the game but I followed keenly anyway. I was fascinated by a lot of things. I loved the Brazilian Ronaldo. I felt he was the greatest human that God had ever moulded from soil. I loved the World Cup theme song too, it was infectious. Then there was a brand of chewing gum that had pictures of soccer players inside. Not a day would pass without me buying some.

I remember the night of the 1998 final between Brazil and France. The game was taking place late in the night and my parents wouldn’t let me watch it because I was a child and children are by default supposed to sleep early. I pretended to go to bed and while everyone was asleep, I sneaked back to the sitting room and switched on the TV.

Ronaldo and his team lost. I was dejected. Just as I was about to switch off the TV and sneak back to my room, my dad appeared. I froze.

That night, I was subjected to the double tragedy of seeing Ronaldo lose and getting heavy beatings. And from there on, whenever English teachers in primary school would ask us to write a composition titled ‘The Day I Will Never Forget’ I always referred to that day right there. I never forgot to include the phrase ‘I run as fast my feeble legs would carry me.’ That phrase was a staple in every composition. I actually did try to run but my dad caught me in two steps. Woeful night!

Since that year, I’ve followed football keenly.

TEAM ENGLAND

I support England and Chelsea. I know, not the best combination. England disappoints in every world cup but I am a hopeful guy. I believe that one day, change will happen. Like an Arsenal fan, I understand the importance of loyalty.

Being a writer who loves the English language so much, I have always been fascinated by the English people and their culture. So let me see how my team will disappoint again this World Cup.

I am glad I will face the disappointment alone in my house, with no one to laugh at me and with no fake fan to tell me we lost because we didn’t bring on the retired David Beckham or Ferdinand.