YOBBY: You can say no without being brutal

Wednesday August 14 2019

If someone has a genuine and harmless approach, there is no reason to be brutal with the no. PHOTO| FILE| NATION MEDIA GROUP


I was once rejected because apparently, my skin is too soft. She said she wanted a man built like a quarry, and my petroleum jelly skin wasn’t her idea of how a man looked like.

I wanted to tell her that I eat my greens and stay hydrated, but she had kicked the fight out of me. You can be the most solid, dependable, manly man there is, but as long as your skin is smooth, you are disqualified.

I went home that day thinking what she really wanted was not a man, but a piece of sandpaper. Because her heart was so rough it needed smoothening.

What had the roughness of my skin got to do with my ability to be a good boyfriend? This is how people miss their blessings.

Rejection sucks, man. There are excuses women tell men that are a little palatable. They will reject you with ‘you are too good for me’, ‘you are too handsome, I do not want to die of stress’, and ‘I will pray about it’.

These are rejections that send you away while leaving you intact. You don’t develop esteem issues.


Once, I hit on a Tanzanian, and in the sweetest voice, was told ‘Siko tayari kwa uhusiano’.

Then there are rejections that come with ancestral thunder. Rejections that talk about things you cannot change. Like ‘your skin is too smooth’ (I am still annoyed), ‘I can see the top of your head and I am not in heels’, ‘you are so light skinned, pretty man’ and ‘your name is Marto’.


Look, approaching a lady is hard enough. You basically have one shot, one opportunity to seize everything you ever wanted.

Your palms are sweaty, knees weak and arms heavy. You steel yourself, decide to risk it all and tell her, ”Akinyi, all my life, I prayed for someone like you, and I hope that you feel the same way too. Yes, I pray that you do love me too.”

Akinyi does not know sweetness, so she will chase you away.

A man needs to constantly be aware that he will either be accepted or rejected, and it takes immense courage to do something which will more likely than not end up in a wounded esteem.

That, however, is no excuse to turn abusive or violent. Do you beat up or insult a potential employer who sends you a rejection letter?

Ladies know the pain of rejection because they are they are the ones who serve it hot. Perhaps it is the reason many would rather go to the grave with their feelings than approach a man.

Often, the average woman’s idea of showing interest in a man is liking thirty Facebook posts in one go and asking ‘How is your mother?’

If ladies are trying really hard to show interest, they will start calling you sweetheart or baby by the second conversation.

If they come from the shores of the lake, that will be aswito and abebo, names which are grounds for rejection without debate.


I know the formula of approach determines the formula of rejection. If someone has a genuine and harmless approach, there is no reason to be brutal with the no.

There are so many people walking around with esteem issues because of the things they are told. They carry your words to their jobs, their platonic relationships, to bed at night.

People walk around feeling like they are not enough, and not by their own design.

People have the freedom to choose whoever they want based on their own personal biases. There is no problem in wanting to have the village beauty queen as a wife, or the tallest, most rugged man as a husband.

However, there is a problem with making other people feel unworthy of courtship and love.

There is a new wave on social media bashing men who aren’t well-off as undeserving of love. Funny thing is the loudest of these voices are also broke.

But social media is a game of taking souls. The harder you bash, the stronger you seem.

The point is, if I reject you because of my personal preferences, I should not then strip you down and leave you with questions about yourself.

Because guess what, someone else will come, accept you, be amazed by the person that you are, and want to spend the rest of their lives with you.

Even if your name is Marto.