How to handle Whatsapp groups

You know not the day nor the time. There you are, enjoying life and without a  care free when your phone alerts you that you have a Whatsapp message.

You rush there and find some name you don’t recognise. A name you have never even thought you would be associated with: Menge’s Wedding Committee. You click on the Menge’s Wedding Committee message and right there, your worst nightmare becomes a reality.

“Menge (not his real name) has added you to Menge’s Wedding Committee” it  announces.  You look at it and discover you are now part of a “small” group of friends that consists of 79 people.

You don’t know who Menge is, but when you click on his display picture, you realise he is some nobody you sat next to during a soccer match, started talking and even exchanged phone numbers. Now he thinks you are close enough for you contribute to his wedding.

You don’t know what to do; if you leave the group, Whatsapp will alert every person that you have left, but it is the way it does it that makes all the difference. It announces your leaving with a “This person feels so special he does not want to be part of whatever it is you minions are planning. He thinks all of you guys are dumb and cheap.”

QUICK EXIT

Welcome to the 21st Century nightmare, people. Whatsapp groups are the worst things to ever happen in technology.

It is right up there with the person who decided to put pineapples and bacon in one pizza and somehow managed to make snotty people like it.

If you are on Whatsapp, chances are you are in more than three groups. I believe the average Whatsapp user is in four groups and he/she prays for the day Whatsapp will introduce an option to quit stealthily.

Can they also give me an option not  to be invited to groups? That would be great.

We hugged and praised the Lord when they did away with the dreaded time tamp, but we need them to remove the “Philip Mwaniki left” announcement. Only politicians like it when people their exit is announced to all.

If you want to leave a Whatsapp group, you have to do so exactly three seconds after you have been added. People are still excited about being “chosen” to be part of a group and they are looking at who else was lucky enough to make it, so your “so and so left” message will go unnoticed.

But if the three seconds are up and you are now part of this dreaded 21st family setting, you have to settle in and accept that henceforth, your phone will be busier than a traffic cop at a matatu convention.

There are certain characters to be  found in every group. For instance, mother superior. This is probably the “owner” of the group, she brought you into the group and is the one who will take you out.

She sets the agenda,  disciplines errant members and her main job is always asking, “Mbona watu wamenyamaza hivi? Sio fare (sic).” She treats this as a full-time occupation or uses it as a training ground for the day she becomes CEO at her workplace.

Then there is the guy who always sends porn. It doesn’t matter if this is a church-based group or there are very senior people in the group, he will always send images or videos with a “Wah, guys are nuts, check this .…”

SILENT MEMEBERS

People who have at some point handed their phones to a young child, only for her to loudly ask; “Daddy, kwa nini huyu hana nguo?” will tell you how much they (secretly) hate these people.

There is the clueless person who never knows what is happening. He always shows up late, says “Hi guys”, then vanishes. My friends will recognise this character.

Then you have the silent members. No, it’s not that they hate being in the group; they just don’t share anything but they know everything that is happening. These are creepy people, the guys who stare at women shamelessly in public.

I am still in Menge’s group but I muted it for a year with no option for notifications. I wish him all the best with his wedding but I don’t know why I need to be that involved in his life.

I am sure there are many people  in Whatsapp groups that they desperately want to get out of but  can’t. I believe there are millions of them, and we might just field our own candidate in 2017. Should we form a group for this?