MAN IN THE HOOD: The adventures of a smokie

In almost every middle class and lower class estate, you are bound to meet a person selling smokies just somewhere by the road. ILLUSTRATION | IGAH

What you need to know:

  • The smokies are usually just lying there, looking good and relaxed.
  • Sometimes, if the seller is entrepreneurial enough, the smokies tend to have friends. The friends are none other than boiled eggs aka mayai boilo.
  • Once in a while, your stomach fails you, making you do countless sprints to the toilet.
  • Do you have feedback on this article? Please email: [email protected]

There are a few things that are certain in Kenya. Whenever there is a sudden build-up of cars on a Nairobi road, someone will give himself the task of directing traffic yet he is neither a police officer nor a traffic light.

Out of every two times he addresses the media or the public, Cotu secretary general Francis Atwoli will mention the words ‘yes’ or ‘mshenzi’; and in almost every middle class and lower class estate, you are bound to meet a person selling smokies just somewhere by the road.

The smokies are normally placed in a white, not-so-clean, movable metal box that has a transparent glass at the topmost section. The purpose of the glass is to tempt passers-by into making an impulse purchase.

The smokies are usually just lying there, looking good and relaxed; not seeming to mind the unhygienic environment that their trader has placed them in. They never seem to be bothered by the fact that their counterparts at fast food restaurants and homes are enjoying posh settings.

They just sit there and when you look at them, they appear to look back at you. Each one of them engages in a mystic conversation with you, saying “Hey you right there, I know you are hungry. I know you are lusting over me. Admit it. Don't be too proud. Don't be too shy either. Come here and get me.”

SNACKING

Sometimes, if the seller is entrepreneurial enough, the smokies tend to have friends. The friends are none other than boiled eggs aka mayai boilo. They hang out together in confinement, probably chatting. Maybe they gossip about us humans.

“I hope I don't get bought by one of those over-muscled gym guys,” one mayai tells a smokie. “Those guys don’t even exhibit some decorum while eating us. They just throw salt at us and swallow us whole like we are Panadol tablets.”

Hi hi hi! Heri nyinyi”, the smokie says. “Personally, I hope I don't get bought by a broke person. Those people eat us so slowly because they don't want the precious moment to end. They take small bites like mice because they don't have money to buy another.”

Eventually, the chitter-chatter gets cut short unceremoniously when a buyer shows up and separates the friends forever.

Then there are the free, roasted smokies. These ones are never in confinement. Their seller makes them bask in the sun as he continues roasting others via a foil. These smokies wrongfully think they have it good because they are not imprisoned in a white box. However, they face more hardships than any other snack.

These smokies have seen more dust than a Sahara Desert camel. They have also been attacked by endless exhaust smoke from vehicles, further justifying their ‘smokie’ name.

When you buy them you are usually aware of this fact but you convince yourself that it is no big deal. You trust your stomach to deal with all germs the way action movie heroes from the 1990s used to deal with 500 bad guys without needing any help.

CEREMONY

Once in a while, your stomach fails you, making you do countless sprints to the toilet. After that, you incur medical bills. Sometimes you quit for a while then you eventually go back.

But if you are hardcore enough, no harm ever comes your way. Your stomach is Rambo hence you enjoy smokies in all their glory.

You can always choose to eat them plainly but by doing that, you end up missing out on the full experience. Smokies are at their most delicious when they are paired with kachumbari. The seller normally preforms a minor surgical procedure on the smokie by slicing it in the middle before placing some pieces of onions and tomatoes in there.

Ready to eat now? Not yet. The seller then sprinkles a few drops of adulterated tomato or chilli sauce and hands it over to you.

At this point, you are now permitted to commence assaulting the smokie with your canines and incisors.

Consuming a smokie without kachumbari and sauce is like driving your first Mercedes and keeping your tinted window shut at all times. I mean you have to roll it down so that everyone can see the successful human behind the wheels. They better recognise.

The price of smokies varies from estate to estate but if anyone charges you more than Sh30, you have every right to throw a tantrum. Hiyo utakua umegongwa.

So don't be too proud for the smokies. They need your love. Buy them, eat them, digest them and make them a part of you.

Bon Appetit!!

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